Reflections

I've been feeling pretty continually anxious and panicky for a while now. I think it's not helped that I've embarrassed myself a couple of times by being mindless with what I say - completely not maliciously but none the less thoughtless and at the expense of others. It's mortifying and I've no one but myself to blame which is an uncomfortable mental state to be in. The apologies are almost easier than the internal turmoil about my actions. I feel guilty and am questioning whether I'm becoming a nice person or not. I'm not sure I am really if I'm honest. I've always suspected it but I seem to be landing myself in it a lot.

It's the concept of forgiveness I struggle with. Well so many others do; it's a combination of hoping and trusting others to forgive you whilst struggling to forgive yourself. I imagine the people you upset forgive and forget even log before you can settle your conscience. So I must be kinder and more positive because really it all stems from my pessimism. Be kinder and do some kind of act of good will, whatever that may be. I will have to try and think of a way I can feel I've done some good deed, as a symbolic step in the right direction. Or is that just greed? And self-centred? I'm not sure: but perhaps it would make me feel better, meanwhile people I've affected have already moved on and don't care. Horrible to think I might be nasty. 

I think of Neil from Marvellous here: "I've always wanted to be happy, so I decided to be."

I don't want to be nasty. So I shan't. 

God it's good to vent somewhere again. I feel better already.

Blogging

What a time it's been since last posting. At the end of first year I had a real confidence low. My two best friends in that year were drop dead stunning and a few people were constantly comparing me to them (not in a good way). By the end of first year it really got my self esteem down, I had a fab summer meeting new people at work in Wales, and when it was time to go to a festival with some friends, I spent the first night in the tent alone while they went to party, crying. I can trace back to that moment where it all started to go wrong at uni.

Since then, I had a massive low in second year: the house was a headache in terms of organising new tenants and shitty landlords. I even considered and spoke to my parents quite seriously about dropping out. I started talking about Reading in past tense even! But weirdly I began to withdraw into myself, a complete shadow of the confident gimmicky girl I always have been. I believe I ran out of passion: passion for my subject, passion for my life in Reading.

Then in my second term of university last year, I became involved with somebody from back home, and he has become a massive part of my life. A buddy as well as my rock and partner. So perhaps I have been exploiting my need to run away by using him as an extra excuse - a reason to explain my absence. (Although I always want to be with him when I go home, and I would be running all the same without him.) Missed the end of last year pretty much entirely, and then this term I've spent the majority of term time in Wales.

You don't hear the voices of people who didn't get on with university life. About people getting up at 5:30am to get back in time for a lecture, and return home the next day as early as possible. I've heard many more stories from people in my home town who used to do the same, or put off going back to uni, cry every time they went back. The worst thing about it all, is when I considered dropping out we (my parents and I) discussed the dent it would leave in my CV. Three years, roughly 40 grand of debt and if you leave early you seem like a failure.

So it can be tough, especially when you are having an internal battle that you have failed socially and you pin all the blame on yourself. That's not a healthy state of mind at all. But the truth is I never met enough of the right people here, not many real friends I can count on to care about me. And I don't care back, because it's not right, the chemistry has faded. First year was extremely fun, and now I feel like a very old student who's hanging behind.

Which is why I haven't posted for so long. Ultimately I figured that I never blogged for people to read it, I'm not sure why anyone wants to read about what someone else has been up to. But it's such a release! To say everything you're feeling inside. I just haven't found my place or my passion yet. But that's ok, most people don't even realise they should be seeking it. I complained through sixth form, through travelling, (at the time), and now I've complained through uni. And that's fine, I just need to keep looking forwards and stop questioning myself. I'm not unfriendable, which I am just going to have to take time convincing myself of.

And breathe.

Home

 Happy Christmas!

It's so rainy here it feels more like early autumn that the night before Christmas. I was thinking recently, (actually when I was ice skating in Reading), remembering how intense it used to feel when you were slightly younger and falling for someone. If they didn't want you, it felt like your heart was being suffocated. I remember the intensity. It made me realise that nothing has made me feel that way in a long time.

It makes me ask questions. Questions about what I want to be doing. I'd sell my soul to easily walk away from my degree and go far away. Not for any reason other than to see everything and learn. To work for my day to day life, to meet extraordinary people once more. To meet myself maybe, I know that whole 'finding yourself' sounds corny, but I have no clue where I want to go and I have come to realise recently that I don't really like myself. I don't think I am kind, or generous or extraordinary. I am in fact - extra-ordinary.

If I come across that way, I think it is because acting kindly makes me feel less guilty about who I really am. I should go and meet people who make me feel less cocky and self-centred. I want to learn to live without that guilt about who and what I am. Who I am underneath everyone's perception of me. Then I can look my few close friends in the eye and not feel like I ought to be apologising to them.

I'm not sad about these thoughts, because I believe they are a necessary beginning of any journey. Whether that be me taking some time or continuing this path with a new attitude. I am unclear, but I am feeling positive.

Honesty.

Wales!

One exam, one night out and a 3 hour car journey later, I am in Wales again. It's been extra special by the fact that my dog has been to the groomers, and he smells like talcum powder it's so good. I'm in my lush bed with a hot water bottle having eaten the best eggs for dinner.

Also have my staff party tomorrow night - SO excited to see everyone and have some drinks! Just ecstatic to be back so far. I feel like this Christmas is going to have a lot of good things in store. It's a perfect time for a fresh start, and keeping up the new attitude I have about everything. Next term is so much quieter work wise, which is perfect. None of this is particularly interesting, but it's out there anyway.

Ooh! Actually I do have a funny story, my flatmate left his phone on bluetooth connected to a speaker in the kitchen, and porn started playing out of it. It was so funny, he didn't realise for ages.

Good Places

On another note, I just surprised myself by starting the first drawing in about 4 years. No wait... how old am I? 3 years. I've really forgotten how to do it, it's sort of comical, but I'm glad to see that my patience for it is still there.

Trying to juggle the exam revision, prep for tomorrow, exercise and eat what's left in my fridge so we can switch it off and clean it before I leave. It's all very stressful. AND in a bizarre turn of events, I saved money today. Like this: I got paid, and I transferred some of it into a savings account. I KNOW. Just before Christmas and everything! I don't know what's got into me. Probably a bloody good idea.

Bought another Christmas present today and feeling hugely successful. It's one of the sad parts of being a student, I feel like Christmas is happening somewhere else because we can't watch proper tv adverts, and the house is not decorated because we all leave this weekend. It's really going to hit me when I get home and the house is freezing and there's mistletoe everywhere.

Like a dream come true.

Meanwhile, Milly's mum forgot to pick up their passports at the gate in Heathrow, so she is currently stranded in Dubai waiting for their passports to be flown over so they can get through immigration. Honestly, I despair. So so so funny.

One Exam, One Group Presentation and One Test.

So today was my first exam, it went terribly but apparently everyone else's did too so hopefully it'll be alright... ignorance is bliss.

Now I have one test to complete, a group presentation tomorrow and finally an exam on Friday night to go! I'll be in that car driving home before I know it. Cannot WAIT to see my mum, my dogs, the decorations in the house, the fires, the music. Gives me shivers thinking about it!!!

I feel like Wales has turned me into a country girl. Words can't describe how at home I feel there, and how much I love the community and the people. Coming from where I was before, it's just nice that everyone looks out for each other. Salisbury was great, but it was too big to feel as homely. I'm a very lucky girl.

Just got to plod on with my work now!!!

8 days to go

 This last week has gone impressively quickly! One week to go, this time next week I hope I am already lasagned with my course mates. Did I mention I was grateful for them?

 And then Waaaaaaales yaaaaaay. Words can't describe how excited I am. Can't wait to get back to the cafe... drop some more cups, spill some more stuff and generally bodge up everything. This is going to be the best Christmas yet.

Plus to top all that off, mum's been to the doctors and everything with her heart is looking really good, medication is doing what it should and her lifestyle changes are making huge progress. Which calls for bubbles and mulled wine as soon as I am home. Can't wait to get my tacky faux fur coat back on and walk along streets with fairy lights arm in arm with mum, while she talks at me about plants and christmas food and keeps pointing out different things in shops.

I swear I'll blink this week and it'll be gone again.

May even crack out the jumper soon...