I'm very nervous about this because I don't like my singing voice, so please don't laugh at me.

And yeah, that's all you're getting today. Ta.

There Will  Come A Day

There will come a day where you think of me,

A day when someone screams my name on the street.

You'll hear it and find yourself looking around you,

And when you think of me you'll think differently.

Everything that you think I am right now,

Will one day be null and void.

Because that's the day when you'll suddenly realise.

What you had with me 'fore it was destroyed.

You were looking for that somebody perfect,

Who'd change your life in one glance.

But when I was waiting under your nose,

Wondering if you'd ever take that chance.

But nobody is perfect, 

And you're not even close sweetheart.

I knew I could be a stronger person.

That's the thought I learned to believe.

There will come a day when you think of me,

You'll realise what you never had.

And for a change when you think of me then onwards,

The facts will drive you slowly mad.

I found this somewhere ages ago, and it's saved on my computer. It's kinda cute. It reminds me of those moments when you admit you're worth something. I always liked that expression: "Sometimes you don't get what you want, not because you're not worth it, but because you're worth more." I think we all have people that we know will one day realise they got you wrong. I think I have several.

I keep thinking about university and how different it's going to be. I think it's sad, how people come in and out of your lives so easily and quickly. There are so many people you used to be closer with, and when you find old messages from them it's strange. Like you're reading messages from someone dead to someone else dead. Either you're not that person anymore, neither are they, or it's just not something you could imagine them ever saying to you. Sometimes I find old messages from people and it's so uncharacteristic I wonder whether Facebook has broken what was actually said.

It scares me a bit, I'm not sure whether there's such a thing as long term friends. I don't know how long you're meant to stick around with someone, if the annoying things about them or the unpleasant things about them are worth putting up with. Everyone searches for the perfect friend, but I don't think they exist. Everyone has their FLAWS, but it's funny you never expect your friends to have FLAWS. There are moments where a friend will do something and you find yourself smiling at them thinking "I fucking love you." Sometimes when you lose a friend, I think the person you were with them sort of dies out. Or you're learning and growing up. I'd love a copy of the friend guidebook, to know what you should and shouldn't deal with, how to act and how to handle tricky situations. It's especially hard when your friend will never understand the situation from a different context, that's normally the last nail in the coffin I think. You should always see it from the other persons side. Unless of course you're looking for a reason to ditch someone, feel free to piss off in that case. (Joking obviously).  (....)

THIS IS WHY YOU MUST ALWAYS PROOF-READ.

THANK YOU KEELEY.

My Mum pointed this out tonight watching a very sad film about Meryl Streep dying of Radioactivity + a car accident (I cried):

Okay, I haven't been able to put them alongside each other...





















...but do you see what I see? Weirdly similar.











And Evie will never know because she doesn't read my 'musings'.

I've also started to wonder whether emoticons are on their way out... I have to admit I use them a lot. For example, you get a text like: "Are you walking?" and it feels rude to say "Yes." so I always put a smile. But sometimes you'll get in a text conversation with someone and realise they haven't used any, and you've put three in each text. (Bit of an over-exaggeration for effect but roll with me). So I'm starting to wonder, is it time I stopped? Adults don't often use them but that's because people like my parents have no idea how to create them, so Mum gave up after a few attempts at this :] and this >£

Enough said really.

I may try to cut down my emoticon usage from now on.

What else have I been up to? Not much. I've almost finished this darned play. Today I looked like a twat in drama, Miss Shingles asked us to bring in something strange to 'inspire' us for our devised pieces. The one time she doesn't bloody check what we've got, last time I had to pretend the inspiration was my bloody General Studies textbook, which is a joke. So today I was sat in our class with fairy wings on my back thinking how well I'd done, and at no point did she congratulate me or even mention the wings. For about 20 minutes I sat there with people coming up to me and going: "Why the wings?" until eventually I had to turn to James and say "This is embarrassing I'm going to take the wings off now." which is annoying because it means James wins and he always wins so that's annoying.

I've been getting frustrated with my Twitter, because for some reason it won't let me post this photo. So I'm going to write exactly what I was going to IF TWITTER WOULD FUCKING WORK and post the photo here:

@TomSmith_77 slapped @JamesRHKelly in the genitals #thatsgottahurt #hellneverhavechildren

I'm doing this new positivity thing where I try not to let myself think about things so much. I've been coming up with every possible kind of distraction. So right now, I'm listening to incredibly loud music (ish, my dad is still home so it's not that loud) and eating shreddies off the desk whilst typing as fast as I can so my mind is literally hemorrhaging with information but it doesn't have time to process it. So distracting is going well. Recently it hasn't taken this much to ignore everything I want to ignore, but you know when you're low you're more partial to be exempt and let yourself feel emotional things. Well I just watched a sad film by myself, (okay not very sad it was 'New Years' or something but the scene where Robert DeNiro dies and then Hally Berry is talking to her boyfriend over skype on new years because he's out somewhere at war), and now I feel kind of like I'm having a low point in the week but I'm going to keep eating shreddies and maybe have a drink to calm myself.

My arm really hurts. It's how I imagine shooting pains would be in your left arm when your heart is going crazy, but it's in my right arm. But it doesn't really feel like that, it feels more bruised you know?

Tell 'em hey! Give me everything tonight.

Going mad going mad going mad. Okay I may need to get more cereal because I'm running out of shreddies. But then I do feel a wee bit sick. Jeez I feel hyper.

I'm wired and hyper but my head's really tired but for some reason I'm awake at the same time. I was thinking the other day about how everyone is always really tired, and I don't think anyone ever feels properly awake. I mean seriously, when have you ever thought "jesus I'm awake"? Sleeping loads in holidays makes me more tired and not sleeping makes me tired. Maybe feeling awake is just feeling tired but like moderately tired.

I'm enjoying this now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnRqc73QyfI

Woaaaaah I just sat back for a second and took this massive breath and my whole ribcage went really wide and relief sort of washed over me. I think I've pushed past my downer mood now. Gotta keep doing that technique then. That was great. Distractions can be so helpful.

Here are some of my recent adventures at work. I have been working at L'OCCITANE since November 2012 and it has taken me over a year to discover that we have a hand dryer in the loo. I always used the towels, and never even noticed the bloody thing. It's not a very powerful dryer, so I still use the towels but it's nice to know that it's there.

For Christmas there were little touches of the season around the work place...

Okay that was the extent of it. But it was very sad when it went:

Anyway. Sorry for the delay over these past couple of days, I've been trying to think of what to say really.

Um...


I'll get back to you. I'm tired.

Night.

Ps. my desk area smells really nice because I ate a strawberry yoghurt earlier and the smell has dissipated. I'll throw it away tomorrow...

I'm getting an insight into what life would be like if I were to fail miserably. That's what holidays feel like. You know that period of the day in-between revising and sleeping where you sit in front of the t.v. with a bland expression, and you watch some random crap and finish off the rest of the shreddies, without the milk because you forgot to get it from the fridge when you went next door. That, I reckon is how unemployment feels. Without the 3 hours in the morning of drawing Tartuffe in a 19th century french outfit and doing hazard perception until you can practical regurgitate the answers. Alcohol gives an increased, false sense of confidence.

Anyway. On the plus side, tomorrow night I have Miss Evans coming round for dinner. That means I can give her the gin I bought her (or Dad bought her... "I'll pay you back Daddy love you lots and lot forever and thing...") and we can talk about how ugly the school toilets are and how stressful art is. It's going to be a larf.

My Dad went back to work today. He came to wake me at about 11, so I got grumpy at him for waking me early, and he was all like... 'see you sunday' and I was all like... 'yeah whatever' and then he left and I registered what he said and I felt quite bad. Sorry Pa. So he left, Dad and I have a tradition when Mum goes away where we have bangers and mash for supper with real pork sausages without apple or lemon in or whatever crap Mum puts in them. Anyway tonight, Dad went away and Mum made bangers and mash. Except the mash had celeriac in and the sausages were herby fried with onions and beetroot. It made me chuckle.

ANYHOO.

I've had quite an up/down day. I had a bad work shift, because I hadn't worked in over a week and all the new sale stuff had millions of discount codes and confusing dates and things and I totally fell apart. Spent most of the day hiding behind my cleaning and eating the "L'occitane" chocolates. It's one of my lines I use on customers, when I offer wine and they look undecided, I always say: "If you don't drink it I will, and I know which my manager would prefer!" Oh the laughs to be had. I use the same line with the chocolates too. Except I miss out the manager part. Honestly. I am very bad at my job.

At least I spent my lunch break with Bex which made me feel better. And I bought my favourite sandwich from Tesco (red cheddar and tomato) and I have to say that I don't think it's very good anymore. I know today was it's last shelf day, so the bread was a bit on the crusty side, (stepping away from the innuendo there), but I just didn't find myself loving it as much as I once did. I feel quite moved by that, it's time to move on. It's always hard when you don't have a favourite sandwich anymore. I'll find a new one.

After a long day, I went to Izzy's and booked our holiday to Malia, which is SO exciting. Came in around 360 quid as well, we were chuffed as anything. Let's just hope that the room doesn't have cockroaches or anything...

Happy 18th to Barney today, and James Bradwell. Barney, I am horrendously broke but I know what I'm getting you. Sorry for the delay.

I spent most of today in a daydream imagining what I'd be doing if I had a life in London. Imagining being in the next place is keeping me focused at the minute. Here's how London life would go:

So, I'm 24, done my degree in English in London. But I'm working in Proportion 'until I get my bearings' which is what I said over a year ago now, but hey, it's all working progress right? One day I'll get round to banging down BBC's door, but not today. Not now. I'm happy working there with the girls in floaty skirts and straight-white teeth smiles. It's even nice to pretend I'm a bit like that. And my mum is so proud of me now, I drink more tea than her.

I wake up at 7:30... or someone wakes me at 7:30, I'm still impossible to wake.

Make some tea for me and whoever's lying in my bed. (Bit cheeky.) I'll do my yoga and then stumble into whatever outfit I've laid out the night before. My bag is big enough to put all my work in, but I'd rather carry it. I always think carrying work makes you look inquisitive and young and I like that. So I still do it.

Leave the house at 8:30, get the tube to work which is HEAVING and I love it. There's nothing like ruining the perfume you put on this morning by pressing 10 strangers into your body in a steel cylinder. Every time the voice says: "This is the Piccadilly line to... Cockfosters"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEHmVm7kvi4
I laugh, too loudly, then go back to trying to read Lady Chatterley's Lover (which Mum gave to me when I was what...17? A child anyway). I grab a coffee from the coffee shop: "Via-Agra" across the way, because it's been over a year and it still makes me laugh to myself every morning.

Arrive at work, take off my sunglasses and flash that same smile I think the other girls are doing... is that right?

...maybe not. I must remember to practise that at home. I spend the morning unwrapping legs and swearing because Mush has sent us the wrong bloody colour from the warehouse. I drink tea. I listen to Fearne Cotton saying literally nothing of importance as she plays the same songs on radio one that she did yesterday. I always grimace at around 12, because I know she's about to loop the morning playback. Charts music round two anyone? I drink tea.

I cut up some hair really small and glue it to a proto-type. It looks rubbish because I've not cut it small enough, so I start again. Is that time for another cup of tea? At lunch I have an email from Dad. He's got no idea what to get Mum for her birthday and he's sent me a photo of a hideous pair of shoes he's panicked and bought her.

I call him and let him down gently. Then what... drum my fingers... I have an across town appointment after lunch, so I leave early and catch an exhibition on colour. It's relevant right? I take photos and get told off by the security guard.

Then, off to my last meeting. I leave work early and go straight to have drinks with my old school friend. Man I haven't seen Her in the longest time. She reminds of the time She pushed me into the fire alarm. The time we crashed that girl's party. The time we fake tanned and it went wrong. The time we got so drunk we didn't even make it to the party. The time She got humous all over my face. We laugh about the drinks we used to think were 'sick' and the music we used to listen to... sorry, the 'noise'. I still love it and She secretly does too. Another cocktail.

"WKD's actually taste so good though"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bparw9Jo3dk

I get a little bit tipsy and then go to His work and meet him, saying embarrassingly emotional things. He has to take me home leaning on his hip, which is probably hard work for him but it makes me feel blissful. Oh god... that's a word my mum uses. I'm getting older. I have a late supper at home and watch something lame on T.V. it annoys me I've wasted that time of my life if I'm honest.

Bed. Oh, and a last cup of tea.