Cheer Up

Thought I'd post to let everyone know how I'm doing, seeing as I selfishly made everybody at home panic. I feel very bad for that, sorry. The last couple of days it's generally taken me about 3 hours to message everyone back and email people back at the end of each day! Thanks to everyone who's been sending me paragraphs.

You'd be surprised to know that the messages I've had have been very mixed, which is interesting. The majority of people have been messaging me to say keep going for fucks sake! You'll never get this opportunity again blah di blah... The other reaction has been the people who went travelling, felt the same and did go home, saying they know I must feel pressured and to know that there's no shame or regret in coming home early. The only person who would be disappointed and never forgive me, is me. Annoyingly, I can't get away from myself.

Both sides of the argument have helped me heaps, just amazed by how many awesome people have approached me about it. When I was feeling lowest, my parents were in bed because of the time difference and James was on a plane and I couldn't get hold of anyone. So I was a mess and I remembered that this venting helps me and so I posted the last piece. Thanks to all the people who've contacted me and helped me. I never really have had to do this alone, because I have all the people I love backing me up. Couldn't do it without that support.

Last night some really cool girls started chatting to me and today we all went out to lunch together. It was such a relief, when you've been in a hostel where literally EVERYONE (myself included) is sat on their phones and laptops, and you're thinking why are you all here then?! Then when someone gets talking to you it's just the best, after feeling so lonely.

The worst part is being away from James, we've all been on holidays with friends where after a few days you're pissing each other off. James and I had our moments, but we agreed on pretty much everything and he was a massive support to me when I was feeling low or missing home. Back home when we were working we saw each other every day, and we had been with each other constantly for 4 months. It made us very very close and being away from that person now? It's like having a limb removed. Most of the time I forget and expect him to come back from the toilet. Or I wake up expecting to see his face. It's just weird to have to be yourself all by yourself again.

I've booked some stuff to keep me busy and am looking at volunteering in Mexico for when I'm there, to keep me here.

For anyone who has not been travelling, you cannot imagine how surprisingly stressful it is. You have to think constantly about where I'm staying, where am I eating, how much can I afford to spend on that, how do I get there... Etc etc. It's mad. And the lugging your stuff around constantly? Christ it's hard work.

I'm still having moments of being sad to be away, but definitely feel like I'm seeing the perks.

Travel Hell

I have been away from home now for just over three months. Yesterday, James left and went home. He gets into London in about 45 minutes in fact, after a gruelling 33 hours in transit, Fiji to Hong Kong, to Doha, to London.

I haven't loved travelling. It is exhausting and stressful, and I have been pretty home sick the whole time. Now that James is at home with my family as well, it's become unbearable. Tonight I am in one of those hostel rooms where no one talks, so I ate alone and spent the night alone. I was hassled by some bearded arse in Macdonalds (Classic American culture, I had to go there to eat).

When I got into bed earlier I just feel hugely out of place. I would give anything to be going home right now, I am so tempted to book the next flight out. he annoying thing is knowing if I do I will really regret it. But anywhere I walk to or spent time in I just feel like I can't breath and I'm deeply unhappy.

I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I won't feel that, and after a couple of days I'll be thinking oh my god I nearly threw it all in! But right now the massive depressive well in the pit of my stomach, lying across my lungs and making my breathing short, it is so so depressing that I feel like I cannot cope. That I have to leave.

This is the nastiest feeling I have ever had. Not only the sadness, but the sheer disappointment in myself for not being able to cope. It's broken my heart just a little.