Tonight I sang a solo in a choir concert. I have never been more terrified. I had to tense my arse to stop my leg shaking, I lost my voice two movements away from it and tried to clear it by coughing, which wrecked it even more. My nerves always destroy me, when I started singing I couldn't hear myself, but I knew it was going well because I looked at Mrs Poppleton and she was mouthing: "YES!" as I sang my very very very endlessly long high note without having to stop for a breath. I am so relieved it's over now, but I got such a kick out of it.
I'm feeling lucky at the minute, my driving theory went smoothly, then the solo, my mock driving test and other little things. Good things keep happening to me, so let's hope that's something that's rubbed off on my exams. Today I wished I'd decided to go on a gap year for the first time. Mum spoke to a girl who has the same birthday as me, and she was really surprised I haven't chosen one and I didn't realise but I think Mum wished I would go on one. I think I had an idea in my head that I'd have to stay in Salisbury for another 6 months and my life would turn into a blur of working, annoying my parents and drinking wine in a field with Ollie. Because I'd need the money to travel.
I guess it wouldn't have to be like that, Tim's going to be a chalet-girl (but with a penis) and he's going on a cookery course, I am insanely jealous. I have always wanted to be a chalet-girl (but without the penis) since I watched that film... what's it called. Oh. I think it's called chalet-girl. That's embarrassing, I genuinely couldn't remember the name for it.
Anyway.
I didn't finish Monday did I?
I could go sightseeing. I haven't done that for a while. There are still places in London I haven't been to- Tower of London, London Dungeons... maybe even the Zoo. That seems to feel like a lot of energy for a Monday after seeing my brothers. The best suggestion I have thought of is to walk along Southbank, see if there's anything exciting happening there. Maybe just sit and watch people skating, as long as they don't ask me to 'try out my blade skills' again. That ankle is still recovering.
On second thoughts maybe I won't watch today. I go onto the tube line. What am I looking for. I pick a place off the map that I've never been to. Sudbury Town. That sounds like a shit hole, yet it's a route on the tube. Of course I'm going to pick it, so I begin to weave my way down into the tunnels. I always think it feels like going into some kind of spaceship, a bit further down into the earth than you'd like to be, no way of getting out fast... almost like you should be wearing some special mask to be down there.
I mean, I love it. It's very London and British, so yay. I'm sat across from an annoyingly public couple... get a room. Seriously.
It's a nice moment to think about my life. I'm hungover, missing work on the tube in London - I've made it!
There's a guy asleep opposite with me with a massive rucksack. It's hard to tell what he looks like, he's got an awful hat on and needs a shave and shower, and by the looks of it he hasn't slept in years. You can tell he may have been attractive a couple of years ago. He's not even that old yet either, I don't think, which is the saddest part. I squint at him and try to work out what his life is like. I don't think he's homeless because... because I like him too much to imagine he's homeless. I think he's quiet, but not because he's shy, he's just the type that'll speak when there's something worth saying, or needs saying. He doesn't waste your time, he just wastes his own. He's been travelling. Maybe he's been hiking somewhere, he has a nice tan now I look at his skin. Some of it is badly freckled, like he's been somewhere without protecting himself. Africa. He's been to Africa.
He's adventurous but he doesn't comment on how things look nice when you're in front of an amazing view... what's the point of saying something that can speak for itself? He appreciates things inwardly, which is why he's not got a girlfriend. They never understand why he doesn't warm to them, but he just does inwardly. He doesn't get that those girls don't get he's not a talker. He's not really a listener, if you're talking crap.
He doesn't listen to crap, which is why he has no good job. His parent's think they've bruised him somehow, he's not normal. But he's lovely and a nice person. And he paints.
I contemplate waking him for a moment... he may have missed his stop. I've decided he is going somewhere specific... to see someone. I should wake him, but I don't. I get off the train. But I do stand and watch him pull away, trapped in that cylinder with the awful couple. I realise I made the wrong decision, but it's gone now.
This has put a dampener on my day all of a sudden, and this isn't made any better when I'm walking along Sudbury Town, which surprisingly, isn't a shit hole. It's small, but pretty.
It doesn't feel like London. I hate that.
This isn't made any better when someone behind me calls out my name. When I turn around I'm greeted by this face:
Now why the bloody hell would I know you, how have you been part of my life.
Oh great. It's you. I never spoke to you, seeing as you were years above me. So what if you knew Barney, I'm not interested in your life. Please don't suggest we have a coffee and 'catch up'.
Who. Are. You.
Sorry I'm actually on my way for a meeting right now, so coffee isn't an option. Um... no thanks I think I'll leave your number.
I walk away quickly, resenting the attention from someone who knows me. I'm in London, it's huge, why can't I be not recognised today. On the positive side, he could've been someone I actually cared to see, so I've not been spotted hanging. I'm a big believer in signs, this is a sign that I should've woken that guy. A definite sign, somehow, I just feel it. I didn't fancy him, I just found him interesting you know? You want to get to know strangers sometimes. Hell, we were on circle line we could've gone round and round, he certainly was.
