Anger

How do we react when we feel different things?

Emotion is a very personal and selfish trait of human nature. In a way. The past couple of days I've been getting tired of listening to every aspect of society being judged as wrong. In my opinion, we need to remember we are all just animals programmed and instinctively designed to keep surviving. The rest is just fabrication we have created to reassure ourselves that there is some meaning in such a short existence.

That sounds pretty sombre, but I don't mean it negatively. It's a natural and simple point of view on a world full of endless complications and problems, hell even a simplistic view on the good stuff.

But back on topic, when I feel angry it manifests quite similarly to being upset. I've been wondering whether this is a similarity between the two feelings and what they do to your psyche. Being mad makes me want to reach out to people, in a way which would be totally destructive. It reminds me of every little thing that was never sorted out with people. Every unanswered question. And it makes me want to shout at them all.

One of the main things I want to pass on to any children I may have is that there is nothing worse than not sorting out un-finished business, any queries which remain unsolved. You cannot lead a life unable to move on from the past because you never had the information you needed.

This is probably all coming out as a weird stream of consciousness but sometimes that's all thoughts really are. I just feel like I lost a small piece of respect for the world.

The Only Way Is Up

  What a day. And what a week this will be. Yesterday I had a lovely day off, sat in the sitting room under a duvet with one Kelly twin either side of me watching film after film. Felt so good to be doing absolutely nothing.

  There have been steps forward with my gap year in the past couple of days, today I had an email from the editor of Salisbury Journal. It looks like they may have some opportunity for me... early days but all good experience. This week I will be receiving a quote from a representative of a student travel agency, telling me how much the travel will be for my chosen route. I have been stressing about how people I want to go with keep pulling out or not being able to come. So I have decided the best thing to do will be to book the flights and then it's no going back.

  I couldn't deal with the idea of being stuck at home for the whole year in Salisbury, earning money just to buy hundreds of drinks next year.

  So it's exciting! To add to that, my parents have moved into their Welsh home today and I hear they are both hugely happy, which is great news. I was worried it would be a stressful day but it seems to have gone smoothly (still glad I wasn't there to witness this for sure though).

  I have made myself a promise that my life will be extraordinary. I think it already has been to be honest. When I think of all the experiences and challenges I've faced in the past couple of years, hell, months! I feel deeply amazed that so much opportunity lies ahead of me. All the times I'm yet to have next year as well... eek!

So again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

Pub

I have noticed that when you go into a pub and ask a barman/woman his opinion on which whiskey you should try, they do not know. This interests me for a couple of reasons.

1. They are not specialists, nor do any of them really care about the alcohol they are serving. I think it would be nice if all pubs or even some had servers who knew a lot about taste and could advise you. 'This one is popular' is not something I care to hear.

2. The reason I am even asking this in the first place is because I'm new to this drink. It's the first alcohol I have ever enjoyed and that means that a) I do not know which brands are nicest and b) I would like to try a multitude of them.

It is hard for me to resist the 70 year old bottle the Kelly's have stashed in its box here. I suppose I'll have to stick to fruit tea and water for now.

Thinking

Thinking is a very dangerous thing. Everyone has one place where their faults originate from and I think I've determined that mine is my thoughts. You know how when someone else gives you advice it's always brilliant but they can never apply it themself? That's the same for most people so I think it's a common thing. I am still aware as I think things and do things that there might be better ways of saying something or handling something, etc. But that's not always enough to control it.

When you let yourself think about something you've been trying not to think about, that's bad. I always used to struggle with that but now I've learnt to limit it. It's surprisingly easy to turn your thoughts to something else.

The only time you can do the right thing is to stop thinking and start seeing, then you'll know what to do. That might sound confusing but it's pretty simple, I hate the phrase 'try'. Don't try, just bloody do it.

Welcome Home

  Well it's been a while since my last post. Ish. And that's because the past week has been CRAZY. This time last week I was moving out of my house, boxes and mouldy sandwiches gallore. I also forgot a rather embarrassing hidden engraving in the far corner of the floorboards under my desk, but we won't go into that.

  I am now kitted up with a double bed, fairy lights and a lovely new home with lovely people. James Kelly is, as ever, supplying his time with quips and incredibly fast come backs. Mr answer for everything. The dogs are finally accepting me, and their parents have been lovely. I feel a bit bad at the moment because they've done all the cooking and I'm a useless lump. Next wednesday will reveal all. (I've even employed James as my Sous Chef).

  My 'book' is coming along bit by bit. I like it so far. I find it very easy to fall in love with words on a page and I think I'm having an affair about my own characters. And more than anything, I've had time to reflect.

  When I left my house my parents and I were a weepy huggy mess. It was not normal. But since they've been gone I've been able to realise how much I appreciate them. I have had an happy childhood and a peaceful adolescence. Every parent's dream. I always used to think to myself whenever my parents complained or acted annoyed with me about anything, how lucky they were that they didn't have some of my friends for children. I never answer back, argue, lie, not reply, drink and drive, drive fast, sleep with everyone, etc. (I have decided I can sneak in the 'sleep with everyone' bit because we're adults now and adults are allowed to say things like that).

  I am forever grateful and am already missing them, and especially my dog, heaps.

  But right now, I have fruit tea to drink and made in chelsea to watch. And I'm wearing a hat in bed (quirky) because it's cold. Indieeeeeee.