Just read back that last post. It was extremely dull. I'll try to come up with something exciting in this next one. For a start, I've decided my font needs to be bigger, agreed? This was the smallest larger size I could find. If it feels like I'm shouting at you, or presuming you are a senile with poor vision, I apologise. I did not intend to make you feel this way.

So, here's an interesting and amusing story about my life. 






Trying to think of one.







Ooh! Okay, um, I can't think of one. Here's a funny video of me instead, taken back in the time of dip dye (aaah what a wonderful look I had going there) and it's me attempting some karaoke. My parents come home, which is why I swear. I've probably built it up too much now, but Bex thought it was hilarious.

http://godlyarse.blogspot.co.uk/

This boy is on his 6th post and he has a stronger voice than me already. Damn you James.

Addicted to this woman's singing at the minute:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ou5uZjDNEko

I've had a whirl wind few days. I had an email back from my relative saying that I should write to my Great Uncle, which I've done. It's funny though, how you can not know someone your whole life and when you actually try to tell them about yourself you can barely think of how to fill the pages. I never know how much detail to go into.

Feeling a bit stressed today, I need to call my university options and ask them if they'll differ my entry. And then I need to work out what I'm doing and start planning. And I need to go through the play I've written and change bits, which is frustrating. And then I have a bunch of small stuff that I've sorted, but still feel panicked from you know? It all mounts up. I'm just terrified of results. I'm really really scared.

You know sometimes you talk to someone, and you don't let them talk completely because you're scared of what they have to say? I had that today and now I feel really annoyed at myself. That's something I need to learn not to do.

It's been one of those days where you keep tripping up on your own stupidity.

On the plus side, I got paid more than I expected today and I've been asked to do more babysitting jobs which is really really exciting. I love babysitting.

It's amazing how the world works. I mean, there I was at the beginning of the evening, whining and being petulant about being in a bad mood for nothing. What really was there to say about that? Honestly?

But there's something out there that can offer a hand when you most need it. I think it's incredible.

I went to work and had a letter which said "personal" on the front which I thought was going to be about the fact that I was homeless for my training in the middle of London. My manager and colleague were stood talking about it and Rachel says: 'I can imagine it being some random relative of yours.' we joked about it being a crazy person who has tracked me down and works for L'occitane as well, or something. I didn't open the letter till I got home.

A few years ago, I wrote a letter to my Grandmother Elizabeth. She and my dad are no longer in contact, and she sent me a vicious letter about my lovely Granddad and ended the letter which a phrase which pretty much said "Have a nice life bye bye." I was so furious I never replied, I did finally write an angry response last summer, which said that I didn't know why my dad and her fell out, he seems nice but he could've been mean, but I would never forgive her for not taking an interest in me. That I had to approach her. And I would never forgive her for bad mouthing my grandpa. I never met him, but I know my dad loved him and he is not a liar. I feel like I know him better than any of my grandparents and I never even met him.

Anyway, after I received the letter from my grandma, I had a letter written on a typewriter from Great Uncle Chris. He's 89 now. He was charming and funny, joked about him and his wife 'swallowing many pills through the course of the day.' Sadly his wife has passed away since then. I never replied to his letter. I wrote the reply on holiday in Wales, when I had been given the letter, but there was no post box around for miles so I forgot.

The letter today was from my 4th cousin once removed, she'd found me on Ancestry I think, I put an account on there ages ago and it must be linked with facebook or something for her to find my job. Which is amazing and I love technology. The letter said that Chris is unwell and that me, Dad and Grandma are his last remaining relatives. He wants to get in contact, and doesn't have long. I rang Dad to tell him because he's away and he was so happy, he always loved his Uncle. My 4th cousin once removed was hugely lovely about this man and I want to know him.

I just think it's amazing, my whole mood changed round completely. It's like the world saying it cares. It picks you up when you need it.

I just feel really grateful for everything tonight.

Here's my grandpops:

Thomas Frederick Evans

Things are changing. The things I used to be good at are fading. Habits I used to have are going and ways of dealing with my emotions are definitely morphing.

When I'm sad or exhausted I'm really quiet at home, hard to imagine but I am. It can be a bit frustrating, because sometimes it's just been one of those days where you don't want to talk at all, you're so tired or numb, and my parents do that whole "what's wrong" thing and often it's nothing. And when I actually am sad, I don't want to talk about it. I guess that's why it unsettles them, whenever I used to have an issue I'd tell them about it but now I can't be bothered. I'd rather just stay silent. It's generally because any fallings out you have with people or situations that make you feel sad are now embarrassingly immature and I hate telling my parents stuff when they look at me like I'm talking about stupid stuff. Then go off on one about how my generation don't care about anything.

Trying very hard to be optimistic right now, but I'm just tired and bored. I'm probably talking complete nonsense. I just want to be left alone for a while.

Bit of a whiney post but these are TEENAGE musings right? Everyone feels like this at times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=MUBnVcy7BIg

This is a post dedicated to Jemma Mackle. The reason for this is stated in the video below:

Couldn't have explained it better myself Jemma. Thank you.

That's right folkes. Tomorrow is the day Jemma Mackle must endure sedation which will leave her conscious and talking shit to the dentist but she will be unable to remember a thing. Sounds pretty fun to me. I wish someone could film her I bet she's hilarious. They're going to do some horrible things to her mouth but it'll all be worth it in the end.

Good luck Jemma!

My day has been pretty basic. I've been putting Ollie's windscreen wipers up on his car every time I pass it at South Wilts and today was brilliant. He was in the car with some people, and I put them up, then on the way back I saw Ollie had left them up, so I thought I'd be oh so amusing and pull the back window one out, which I then did. An old man walked past us and we were talking about Ollie and the fact that it was his car. I knew what this old bugger was going to do.

He passed us and pushed it back down and then turned to us like he'd just made the funniest joke in the world. It was rather strange. I wanted to go back and put it back up and go "No." But I didn't because old people need hobbies I guess. Bless him he was only trying to be humorous.

and whoever is reading this at 3 at night, you're mad. I know you're there.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151580997124307

I watched this and it got me thinking about my first career I wanted to pursue when I was little. I remember it very clearly. When you learn something sad when you are a child it really resonates with you. Finding out chocolate was bad for me was traumatic. Need I even mention Santa? But anyway, I was at school and we had some people come in and show us this video about African people who were starving, and there was this moment, I realised how big the world is. How many people were out there, the diversity and how much people were struggling. And that's when I decided. The first job I ever fantasised about was this:

I would take trolleys of food: roast chicken, jackets potatoes, chocolate pudding. Just piled in a trolley I used to imagine them. I pictured myself pushing the trolley through townships into little mud huts and giving the food to the people I'd seen on the video.

Just imagining I would one day do that made me feel like a good person, who was doing something worthwhile. Since that dream faded away, I've never once wanted to be anything that would benefit anyone. Isn't that mad? The most generous I've ever been was when I was a stuck up little girl with my fringe tied in a scrunchie on top of my head.

Makes you think doesn't it? I want to want to help people again. Might have a think about that. Gap year thoughts.

Just a thought.

I have 103 things to do, so naturally I'm going to blog instead. What a weekend. I've had the loveliest dosage of Bex Mcloughlin these past two days, she came round and watched a film with my parents and then stayed till 3 today. How nice. And she bought me doritos saying: "I know how you like to go back to savoury after sweet" so I think we might be soulmates. And I didn't eat them all but she's left them here for me. I am eating them right now. Thank you Bex.

Apart from that, I had a lovely bath and homework session friday night, worked yesterday and today. I had a nice shift today, it was campaign change and I got to do the windows, which as sad as it may sound, is my favourite thing. No one interrupts me, or offers me help and ruins everything, and I get to stay warm without wearing a massive jumper and looking kind of a chub. Plus I'm not so good at remembering what's in all the products, so I can leave that to the experts.

ALSO I don't know what else is exciting but I had a burst of energy and wrote that. Sorry to get your hopes up. JAMES KELLY STOP TEXTING ME I'M TRYING TO WORK. I've sent him a mean text, that should sort him out.

I swear I had a weird dream the other night but I can't remember it...

Maybe that's enough for you tonight? LOVE YOU ALL GOODNIGHT AND BYE AND STUFF
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

What an interesting couple of days. Miss Evans has signed me up to make cakes for feminism, which have to have feminist-y things on them. I'm thinking of doing boob cakes or something with nipples on. Inappropriate? Naaaaah...

It's been quite a roller-coaster this first week back, (another reason why I hate sixth form), they've put up a box in the common room which has "Things you like about Sixth Form" written on it. James and I were sat looking at it today and he said 'Do you reckon there's anything in it?' I doubt there is to be honest. A few people will have been hilarious and written "Nothing" and put it in I'm sure. I always think surveys are hilarious at school, everyone will take whatever opportunity they can to complain about the standards there. You get the teachers with the students in feedback sessions saying "What does everyone think then?" with great big grammar smiles on their faces and everyone just has a massive rant about how awful it is. I went to one of those meetings it made me chuckle.

Not sure what I was talking about there.

From now onwards I promise to stay away from talking about school all the time. It bores me and it doesn't exactly take your mind off something, badgering on about it now does it?

IN EXCITING NEWS James Bradwell has released a BLOG which is very exciting. He took my name suggestion and went for the celebration of his wonderful bottom. We're all very excited about this new blog:
http://godlyarse.blogspot.co.uk/


Next, I have a remix I've fallen for, which I'm going to share with you. Lucky lucky person you are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=KTYD_kN7rPg

Short one today, will think of something exciting to do tomorrow. Better be excited, I sure am.

I've had SUCH a good day. Now, I know what you're thinking: Oh wonderful, she's going to tell us all about her day in detail and it's going to be just like all her other generic posts. What even is this. - Such stereotypes and set ideals are commonly thought. And, my dear friend, you'd be right. That is exactly what I'm going to do.
























JUST KIDDING.


You didn't see that coming did you?

Ahar.



So.




I have had a good day, and despite one moment of what can only be described as a-lot-of-anger, seeing the young couple on 'One Born Every Minute' with the dad with the incredibly amusing lisp has brightened everything. Although to be fair, he was very lovely to his girlie.

It got me thinking about stuff. But my thoughts didn't go very far so I stopped thinking those thoughts and thought other thoughts.

I think.

I had a really nice chat with James Bradwell last night, who seems to be so in sync with me I think our periods might start to collaborate. (I realise this comment may distress James but he'll just have to remember my crude nature and forgive me). He had some very interesting insights into the form of oppression that seems to be felt by a lot of people lately. And he calls his bum a 'shapely posterior' which is my new favourite phrase. Going into class civ today and learning about Kieran's crazy valentines card sender (5 years running) has really put years on the end of my life the amount I laughed. It's nice to feel like that.

This always makes me chuckle:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XG_0iV2B40

Today I had a sudden sort of epiphany. First day back at sixth form, I was sat in the common room listening to the same girl who always screams about her life and smelling the same gone off milk and I kind of changed my mind about everything. I always used to lie in bed when I was little at night thinking 'I could run away. I could go right now.' I never had anything I was running away from, I just had this extreme urge to go. So today, on roughly my 1145th day of South Wilts I almost felt that it was unbearable any longer.

I wake up every day and do the same thing, which I'm not convinced I enjoy. I'm studying three subjects, one where my teacher hates my group, one where I don't enjoy the topic any more and one which isn't quite what I'm interested in. I'm going from sixth form into a university. I'll learn stuff for another 3 years before I can start my life and I'm not sure I can do that. I always thought if I dropped out I'd have a chance to actually succeed in a spectacular way, because I'd be forced to prove myself. Who knows what I'd do. Everything I suppose.

3 months left, today that sounded like a lot to me. I'm not sure any of it is what I wanted. I just want to find some people on Gumtree, move into a flat in London and begin. It sounds mental, but that's always what I've wanted. Salisbury seems so dark and oppressive.

I want to take a cookery course and be a chalet girl for a year.

I want to go to strange countries and eat food that makes me ill and get spat at by a camel.

I want to learn 5 more languages and learn how to surf.

I want to get away, now. Waiting till summer seems horrendous and far. So I guess my option now if a differed entry, which means I need to work out what I mostly want above everything else and go for it. Which means I need money blah blah blah. I could set up some kind of work for myself, buy and sell. Seems simple enough.


Aaaaaah help me.

So I got back from London last night. 4 days, seems so long ago now. Had the best time though. One thing which I was slightly peeved about was that I never had any time to just sit and chill out, ya know? I spent my time meeting my brothers and catching up with people which was a bit tiring. I wanted to go back to my little room in L'occitane and relax the last night but it turned into a massive hooplah. (I shall explain in a minute). So here is what I got up to in London- this time not fictional.


Sunday I drove to Southampton and caught a direct train because they were all screwed from Salisbury. Had a really really tasty breakfast in Costa across from the station, tasted like a croque monsieur, made me miss Paris (not that I've been in a while). Arrived in Waterloo and went to Hammersmith to do some costume shopping with Barney - he's hopeless. He needed to buy some shoes for himself and he said he hadn't been shopping since 'November 2011' this seemed quite believable when he picked up some weird lace ups from Primark and said "I can't remember my shoe size." He guessed a 9, which looked blatantly too small, but he couldn't be bothered to try them on. When we'd got all the t-shirts for cast, he got to the till and his shoes wouldn't scan so he said "Can I take that as fate and not buy them?" which made the little till woman seem quite nervous and confused.

Carried on trudging through the rain and shopping with Barney and my massive bag, eventually finished and went back to his flat. Finsbury park. Lovely place. This is his front door:

The inside was really pretty, just how I'd pictured it would be. Wooden floors and doors, quirky furniture. Tonnes of book shelves and fancy romantic films. He'd thrown in a couple of manly sounding films to make them look more impressive. Hot Fuzz. Fight Club. We watched some 1970s gangster film and then the Holy Grail, which has the stupidest humour and yet it's still funny. Barney cooked a veggie rice dish, very nice and it took me an entire film to finish one glass of white wine. He drank the rest of the bottle by himself and called me a shit drinker.

We went through his clothes and threw out the rubbish bits, bright blue and grey striped jumpers and t shirts that showed his nips. Stuff that had seen better days. Ultimately, he was left with about 20 black tops and 6 jumpers that looked identical. Only one knitted by my mother. Nice cuppa the next morning, had the best nights sleep. You know when you feel like you've slept for ages? mmm.

Got a lift somewhere from Barney's friend. She had red hair and she was very friendly. Got this photo by accident, I think it's nice. It was snowing as well, which was hugely exciting. It only lasted about an hour before London had melted it all, but it was exciting at the time.

I went to Waterloo and waited an hour for mum to arrive. I had an Italian baguette which had the time it was made printed on the side of it. 8:50 that very morning, and I thought 'that's a nice idea.' Good business and all that, people like to know their food is nice and healthy and fresh. Dropped my bag off and this foreign woman kept asking me if anyone had had access to my bag at all, she repeated this whole mantra of questions and I barely understood a word she said. I kept saying no till she took my bag. I did wonder whether she'd ask any questions about the knitting needles in my bag, which probably looked rather threatening on the scan.

Still had some time to kill, so I went to the Southbank. Always feels properly like home when I get there.

Met up with my mum and we went shopping for a while without me getting all emotional, I even bought a couple of bits of clothes, which is a good sign. (Mum bought me some as well). Which on reflection wasn't good for my bank account. But hey! AND we saw Helen Baxendale in Waterloo station. Normally I joke with Mum and say "That was Alan Sugar!" and she tells me to shut up because she knows I'm lying, but this time I had to be really persuasive till she followed her and agreed it was her:

After that we had lunch near Chelsea in this pancake place, and then two girls came in and I went "OH MY GOD IT'S GABRIELLA ELLIS" and Mum span round and Gabriella glared at us and then she got up with her friend and left. Oops.

Then we went shopping again. We found this shop which I think we might have been in for about an hour. It was called "Anthropology" you know those shops that sell a lifestyle? You run around picking up candles and plates that you think are pretty and by the time you get them home they look naff. Anyway, we were in this shop and they take your name and write them on the changing room doors when you try stuff on. I came out of my changing room to show Mum this top, and I got confused looking for her because she'd chosen a random name for her door:

Apparently my mother is now called Charlie.

We got the tube to Lindsay and Ivan's and she made me take a photo of her legs on the tube:

We had an amazing meal at her place and went to bed blah blah blah.

Anyway, the next day I went to training but there was a huge problem with my accommodation (not sure I'm allowed to go on about that on the internet) but basically, I had to turn up at Joz's flat and sleep there, which luckily I'd been there that evening for the first time so I knew where to go. I slept in the double with him top to toe, and Joz decides to put on 'ambience' music. 45 minutes of weird etherial noises. It was so funny.

Check my brother's blog, he's a comedian so it's funny:
http://joznorris.webs.com/apps/blog/show/23671629-happy-valentine-s-day-from-my-subconscious

Those were the highlights of London. It was so exhausting though. I'm back at home now and I really miss it there. I love London so much, it always feels like home, as soon as I'm in Waterloo everything just calms down and I feel totally calm.

Yesterday was Valentines, and for the first time I actually felt okay about it. Maybe because on the train home I got all tearful thinking about my family and everyone around me and how much I love them. I hadn't really had time to think about my family properly in those few days, didn't think about Spud at all!!! So going home I suddenly realised how important everything was.

But more importantly, I felt okay about where I am and how I am. I'm happier than I've ever been right now, I also was thinking about insecurity and everything, I realised I don't know a single person who isn't insecure. Which made me think actually, maybe most of us are actually fine. I might say embarrassing things sometimes but I'm alright, we all have low moments but we should just get on and enjoy being ourselves. Just something to think about.

Been a while I've been meaning to upload this. WAHEY! GUESS WHAT!!!

Had our first meeting for the play on Friday, which is really exciting. Let the rehearsals begin! Couple of bits I found out I need to go over. But James Kelly was actually really nice about it (in that he only made comments a couple of times). It's made me quite nervous though, having it read aloud I felt really self-concious. It's like my child or something.

Went for a drive tonight with Bex which was really nice. We were laughing so much I thought I was going to drive off the road at one point. It's been good getting more practise at it, you realise you still have so much stuff to learn before you're actually a good driver. Which is sort of annoying. It'll never end. I keep meaning to drop off a thank you present at my instructors, but I keep forgetting.

I've started feeling really good about myself. I kept making up rules for myself to learn to break old habits, and every time I'd start afresh I'd fail pretty quickly, but something in me's definitely changed. I've actually been able to keep my important new years resolutions, but amazingly it's differences that make you feel so different in who you are and not just how you're acting. Making subtle changes really have made me feel so much older. I made the resolutions with the hope that I'd kick old habits, (which has now made me adopt picking my nail varnish off in its place), but I feel like they've done more than that, in that I feel older. It's about growing up and not being silly anymore. I mean hey, a bit of silly yes. Pardy hard and all that (no I can't pull that off) but ultimately I don't want to be as much of a child anymore.

Check this out, I love Dan Smith's voice, so so perfect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZKu_q3qFPk

Keep posted, they'll be a second post tonight.

Our lives are full of making good decisions and bad decisions. There's one way you can tell which is which, if you make a decision you're not sure about, quite frankly it's probably going to turn out as a mistake. When you do the right thing, you just know. Even if you feel like that decision hurts you, if you know it's the right one it doesn't matter.

I always think it's better to be upfront and honest with people. If you have a problem with someone that's unsettling you, you should talk to them, and not try and analyse the situation with someone different. Don't talk to someone completely random about an issue you have with someone else. It's part of this widespread view that people should be seen not to care, and I think it's complete bollocks.

My friend said something to me tonight, she said: "How is it possible that the first person who made me feel good about myself also made me feel shit about myself?" Isn't that weird? It's true though. When we open up, we can get hurt. People who are closed in have their own problems though, by not opening up they'll always hurt from never trusting in anyone. People who open up can get hurt in a more embarrassing. When you completely give everything to someone you care about, you are putting a lot of trust in them. If they hurt you, it'll be bloody embarrassing, because you opened the door for that to happen.

I'm that type of person. But to be honest, I think that's a good way to be. I know I can seem to be a bit someone who has reservations and pre-judgements about people, but I never hold them against anyone when it comes to getting to know them. And actually, it's good to be trusting. You always give people a chance, maybe then you're more likely to hurt yourself, but that'll make you stronger anyway. If you're very trusting, it also means that you're easier to get to know and for people to love you.

Just thoughts.

Or musings, if you will.