Reflections

I've been feeling pretty continually anxious and panicky for a while now. I think it's not helped that I've embarrassed myself a couple of times by being mindless with what I say - completely not maliciously but none the less thoughtless and at the expense of others. It's mortifying and I've no one but myself to blame which is an uncomfortable mental state to be in. The apologies are almost easier than the internal turmoil about my actions. I feel guilty and am questioning whether I'm becoming a nice person or not. I'm not sure I am really if I'm honest. I've always suspected it but I seem to be landing myself in it a lot.

It's the concept of forgiveness I struggle with. Well so many others do; it's a combination of hoping and trusting others to forgive you whilst struggling to forgive yourself. I imagine the people you upset forgive and forget even log before you can settle your conscience. So I must be kinder and more positive because really it all stems from my pessimism. Be kinder and do some kind of act of good will, whatever that may be. I will have to try and think of a way I can feel I've done some good deed, as a symbolic step in the right direction. Or is that just greed? And self-centred? I'm not sure: but perhaps it would make me feel better, meanwhile people I've affected have already moved on and don't care. Horrible to think I might be nasty. 

I think of Neil from Marvellous here: "I've always wanted to be happy, so I decided to be."

I don't want to be nasty. So I shan't. 

God it's good to vent somewhere again. I feel better already.