Swings in Roundabouts

  My gap year is finally slotting into place. (Well, not really finally because it's only just started). I've got myself another job, working monday to friday for Diligenta customer service. The interview was actually really good fun and I'm looking forward to it a lot. Then I'll have L'Occitane at the weekends and any babysitting work during evenings. Now all I need is a place to live... if anyone's got somewhere then... yeah... I'll be homeless soon.

  I was feeling fantastic after the phone-call on the evening of the interview where I was offered the job, which was a massive high. My parents got all soppy and proud, dad sent me an email from his new account, (he claims this is the reason for sending it), saying I was the daughter he'd dreamed of. It's all very nice. And then the next morning my car went in for M.O.T. and was a write off, needed a new part for about 1600 quid or something ridiculous. That was a big low.

  Then, my dad found spare parts on the internet which were about 100 quid and not 1600, so we're going to be able to save Nissan after all! That was a high. But then tonight I'm feeling quite down. I've had an extremely long day, been collapsing into sleep all day, it's been quite scary. I kept waking up from naps and asking what day it was and forgetting how I'd ended up there. Hoping for a good nights sleep tonight. Tomorrow night I'm going to a Lady Gaga tribute evening with my work colleagues and Ollie, which should be a laugh. Another high, another low etc.

  I think it's just stress that does it. My eyes started to really hurt before the interview, and then I did the interview and I've felt drained and ill since. The pressure I guess is what gets to you. But it was such a lovely experience, I had a one to one interview with a woman for about an hour, just talking about myself, which let's face it I loooove to do! And it was really nice and relaxed.

  Managed to accidentally make Mum cry yesterday, I sent her and dad a message saying that I was really appreciating the final time we had living together and Mum texted back saying "You've made me cry you bitch." Whoops. Right now I'm sat in the kitchen waiting for her to come home from choir. Feeling a bit in need of a hug and a sob film. My dad's gone away to Spain for a few days, and it's funny but I never feel like I have accustomed myself to his going away. I find it hard adjusting to the dynamic of mum and I by ourselves. I think it doesn't help that Spud constantly looks at you like: 'We're missing one of the pack, just to let you know.'

I heard this for the first time yesterday, love it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzoS756wb6s

  I will begin with a couple of photos I've been meaning to upload for ages. I forced my dog into the first one. He loves it don't worry:

It's funny because he looks like Dad.

Now this one I really like. It makes me feel powerful and stuff:

  I am free from a place that has tied me down for 7 years. I feel more ecstatic for the symbolic value of leaving school. I have just become a real person, is how it feels. A real person who's looking to heighten their career prospects, figure out money and problems that adults deal with. Freedom! Decisions! I'm having so much fun making decisions. It's been so liberating.

  What's nice as well, and I'm sure many other young people are feeling the same as me, is that every day I feel stronger in what I am and who I am. I can't exactly explain it, but I feel secure in myself at the moment. I think it's an alteration of how you spend your time and what decisions you allow yourself to make. Too many times I've done things and known as I've done it that it's the wrong thing to do. Why the hell do I still do these things? I don't know! But I've started to listen to my instincts and it's a powerful place to be. The hardest thing in life is to learn to control yourself, I think. Taking Poppy down a notch or two...

  It's going to be really fascinating to read these posts back one day and see how I developed and what I became. We'll see what happens. Anything could.

Appreciation

  I've been at a point with my parents where I think we're all equally wanting to kill each other on a daily basis, close as I am to moving out and with their big house move on their doorstep. But at this time I'm taking moments to really appreciate what I can of them. My brother Barney and his girlfriend Charlie, (who I am in love with), have been here tonight and Mum's gone off to a small holding course - which I'm told is something to do with alpacas and goats and milking and farms. We all had a long talk about killers and nazis, which was fascinating. Barney and Charlie went to see Anne Frank's hideout and we all got talking about the inhumanity, and trying to work out how something so evil was so easily carried out.

  Anyway. When it came to bed time, I went and brushed my teeth and had a wonderful talk with my dad. We spoke about his family and his lovely father, my grandfather, who I wish I had met, but who I feel I sort of know well. My grandpa was one of those popular town men. He owned a shoe shop, he knew everyone, was smiley, never had a bad word to say about anyone and was honest and kind. The man that everyone knew and loved. Think Ned Stark, except without the beheading.

  Our parents, (I'm using the term 'our' there to mean each set of parents, not that we have the same parents. Don't panic.),  our parents are extraordinary people. They have lives, whole bundles of memories that we have not seen. It used to baffle me, that we could be so much a part of their life and yet not have lived through all their development and progression. I think it's nice to sometimes ask them about some of it. To learn things about their lives. 

  Every year there is a guest speaker at South Wilts' school speech day, and they invite in these ex-students who talk about how marvellous it is to be a successful pilot and how they remember fondly the rolling of the school kilt. Which is all very well, and har har and so on, but within the school there are incredible stories, that we do not know. Mrs Mackay, for instance, was in the military and felt she was not taken seriously. So she cut all her hair short and dyed it platinum blonde to say 'fuck you' to all the narrow minded men around her. Why do they not tell us about these extraordinary people around us? It would inspire many people at the school to feel compassion towards teachers and to see the teachers as role models and idols. Not to sound too cheesey, but having had a mother who ran the choir there, I have heard some hugely interesting stories behind teachers' lives. 

Anyway. Here are some fantastic photographs taken by Megan Plenderleith's boyfriend on their travels. Inspiring:

http://jackaldridgephotography.weebly.com/blog.html

Parallels

  Why do we always find ourselves in the same positions? What is it in us that seeks out the same people, the same core relationships. Why? What do we think we'll find? I think the most disparaging situation is where you believe you've been much better off and then you realise that actually it's exactly the same as you've experienced before.

  There is something in our beings which seems to look for the same type of person, friendship, relationships, whatever form they come in. We go for the same things. I'm not talking about brown hair and abs, I'm talking about personality, or perhaps it's attitude. Sometimes there is a type of person that looks for people to take authority over them, because they can't handle it. Or people who look for shy people and hope to progress them, projects. Why do we look for certain things in a person?

  My brother said recently, that there are two reasons people can have relationships. Either they have been through a lot together, and are tied together by past but have no common interests, a fascinating one. How is that you can experience the same things and all learn from it differently? Become different people? How strange. It just goes to show, even if someone went through exactly what you went through they might take a great deal different to how you have. It's a nice sense of individuality I think. The second reason, is common interests. A straight forward one.

  I like to evaluate. What do I look for in people? I know really. I want what I can't have, and I am impressed by people in their attitude, which is generally people who give off an air of 'Yeah fucking whatever' two fingers up to the world. Because I admire it and I hope they can teach me to feel it. But actually those people are normally scarred and once you get to know them and go past that point, they're totally vulnerable.

  Why do I want what I can't have? I'm still trying to figure that one out.

  But back to my thoughts on parallel situations, how can we stop ourselves getting to that position? What are the warning signs? I'm a strong believer in following your gut instinct. Every single 'uh oh' moment you have should be given great thought. We should be aware of everything. I'm not saying evaluate, I'm saying be intuitive, observe, learn. A strong believer but often not a practitioner. It's a hard habit to learn, I am trying. But it's surprising how often you suppress such feelings and excuse the person, without realising. Gut instinct from now on Pops. That's my top tip today, something we should all learn.

James Bradwell

Not enough time is taken out of my day to appreciate James Bradwell. We've met many people through our journey in Sixth Form, but some we hold special sentimental attachment to. James has served as a sort of father to me throughout my time these past two years, (James Kelly likes to think that's his role but he's more of an annoying younger brother), and I have huge respect for him. From tissues on desks - mentioned many times - to being protective of me when involving other guys, I've had a lot of emotional moments just feeling overwhelmed by how wonderfully sensitive, giving and caring he is. There aren't enough role models in the world like James; he accepts the faults I have when he has none himself and that astounds me. What a top bloke, I hope to remain in contact with him.

This is an excellent read of his:
http://godlyarse.blogspot.co.uk/

Looking for a white summer dress?

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Evie's 18th

  Well what a splendid day I've had. Evie's parents kindly offered 50 quid per head for 8 people at Evie's birthday meal (a target I did my hardest to meet) and so a few of us went to Prezzos. And what a meal it was. Starting with chicken wings, I ordered the VIPizza Funghi - which means supposedly very large. As I ordered it the woman looked at me and said "Really? It's pretty big..." and I narrowed my eyes in thought and said to her "I accept your challenge." Leo and Evie said they'd pay me 5 quid each if I could finish all three courses.

  I finished my 'large' pizza (though in truth it was more a different shape than much larger) before a few of the others finished their normal sized main and then asked for the chocolate fudge cake, which I admit was a risk. Chocolate fudge cake can often be rich and hard to finish at the emptiness of stomachs. But I thought, let's challenge myself here. So order it I did. By the time it got to 3 mouthfuls before success, every taste of the chocolate cake made me retch and feel like I was about to throw up. People moved away from me. It was nice. But I drank water straight from the jug, (which included drinking a fly by accident, but hey it's all protein), and finished the cake. I am now owed a tenner. Hoorah!

  The sugar kicked in which put me in a rather silly mood. I went to Spoons then with everyone and Evie and Cassie proceeded to get incredibly drunk as Cassie 'tutored' Evie through jaegar shots and glittery shots or something or other. They were smashed. They then moved me and Harry to the Slug and Lettuce, where a bunch of foreign guys walked past Evie saying things like 'Hello boobies' and 'very nice' to which I shouted back 'You wish!' (Which then proved awkward when I walked back past them later, alone. Not a good move on my part). 

Here is a photo of Evie at the Slug and Lettuce - which was a lovely pub actually.

  So there we go. Happy birthday to my best friend Miss Formhalls, who now has her very own Poppy Evans mug and penis glow stick (I am a good friend). Today was the first day I really resented being 18. Really really. Note to self - never get pregnant in February. Who would have sex in february anyway? It's cold. Silly parents.

  It's funny how feelings creep up on you. How up and down we are. I always wonder, if we were still just animals living in caves and grunting, whether we would get the same waves of emotion. Whether other animals get the same waves of emotion. I wonder. But today was a good day, a high peak, which obviously has to balance out with a low trough. Does this high and low mean that I'm just being negative? Is it just me, or is it normal? And am I supposed to deal with it and stop it or just accommodate it? I'm finding all these thoughts are very jumbled up in my head right now.

  I've just plunged into a new life, one with important jobs to be done that effect my living situation and not my intellectual situation. And that's very scary. I'm sure I've said that a lot, but it's these moments when that gets to me. I feel hugely strong and very vulnerable at the same time, which is unusual. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. But at the same time I want to just talk and talk at someone who'll listen to it all and not say a thing. If someone just heard all the thoughts repeating themselves in my head over and over again maybe I'd feel better. But I don't like off-loading feelings on people, it's not fair I don't think.

  There was a film I watched once where Bett Middler played an excellent part. She said "Be selfish. Because in life, if you go around taking care about everyone else and you don't stop to think, what about me? You'll go crazy." Where does the line end from being true to your own interests and being a good friend and a good person. There is much philosophy and contrasting beliefs in this world that it's sometimes very baffling to figure out what doing the right thing is. Are we to trundle through every japanese proverb and philosophical musing and decide, yes or no. I agree with this, I don't agree with this? What if we agree with contrasting theories?

  I tell you want. There is one simple, most basic philosophy in this life. Things begin, and things end. That is the simple law of it. Everything that ever is, was or will be, will exist and will burn out. That's it. Down to a T. What we colour in in-between might be a nice way to calm ourselves and reassure ourselves that there's more to life than that, but when it comes to the laws of science, nothing matters except birth, death; beginning, end; start, stop.

  On the other hand, there should always be happiness, I believe. There should be colour and experience and hurt. All we are really, are witnesses to this current world. We are born, we see, we try to learn and appreciate what we can, or we don't appreciate it and die regretfully, and then we die. It is not a purpose, but a habit of our species. Observe, progress, appreciate, survive.

I saw this as a stand for some chewing gum today, see what you think:

"Ever made out with a watermelon?" Ummmm.... no. And not a massive desire of many I would presume. Is that too judgemental of me? Maybe I missed out on the fruit-fancying gene that everyone else has.

Pfft.

Also if you haven't seen this already, it still makes me laugh:

That's my leaving present to Miss Evans. I know, I am so funny.

Anyway, enough about ME. (Having said that it's quite hard to blog talking about how you are, because I don't know who you are). I am now a free person, practically and actually I think you could strongly argue, a person who is on their gap year. I have a list as long as my arm of things I need to get done, so what did I do today after my last school exam? I made a birthday card for Evie which took far longer than it should've done. When you're learning origami and screaming at the chinese guy on the video to slow down, as my mother says 'It's time to stop Petal.'

I'm excited though, I'm going to hand in some paperwork to a job agency and hopefully get some work going soon for saving next year.

Ooh! Another exciting thing, I went to see The Boy With Tape On His Face the other night, a comedy gig. James Kelly had free tickets so we went with Tom and James' dad. My god was it funny. I didn't think I could laugh so much from something without speech. It was fantastic. Apart from almost crapping yourself whenever he came into the audience, Tom got picked and he thought the guy was pointing at me, turned and laughed in my face and then realised what was really happening. Long story short he was hand-cuffed to a random girl and forced to kiss. I nearly wet myself.

That's all for now folkes, Made In Chelsea catch up time!!

Pranking Mum

So, today I was rudely woken at o-christ-hundred-hours, that's right, 10 o'clock my dad comes in with a cup of tea, then half an hour later my mum comes in and sings into my face until I get up. She wanted me to try her new bread. Fucks sake. Anyway, then Dad made Mum iron his shirt (sexist) and he headed off to work looking very pretty. Then I followed Mum who was in the camperp-van in my car to go to the garage (her lights inside aren't working properly and she likes to have the fairy-lights when she's away).

Anyway, we did some stuff in town, then went back to the garage. I dropped her off, and drove home by myself with our food shopping in the back. When I get home, I spend 5 minutes looking for my other flip flop in the passenger foot-well. I remember her mentioning stealing Dad's shoes before. I kept looking muttering 'you absolute bitch.' So I think RIGHT my turn. I carry the shopping, flowers, baguette into the house occasionally getting a stone engraved into my foot and swearing. I put everything down and take a bowl of water upstairs, wedge it above her office door and try not to laugh too much.

It was so funny. I followed her up the stairs, and she tried to open the door and it was wedged so she was going "Ooh! Ooh! Oh!" and then it fell. Barney had done the same thing to me a few days ago, and it was funny then, so she had to find it funny. She was mopping it up with a towel saying 'you stupid stupid bitch.' it was hilarious.

Apart from that, my chair broke on one side, so I've been doing this all day:

Sat in the sun revising for a bit. Beaut.

Scared

Tonight I am filled with all the things I am afraid of right now. I feel angry, vulnerable and doubtful. I am afraid of my exam on wednesday, I am afraid of my future and I am afraid of my relationships with different people. Of course having begun to learn to suppression technique, it is inevitable that it forces its way out of your throat at various intervals. (I don't know how you suppressors do it, it's exhausting.)

The amount of stress that is both surrounding me and being supplied by myself makes me feel as if I'm stood in a large room and there are invisible forces pushing in against me and I can't breathe. It doesn't help hearing everyone else's troubles at the same time, trouble's that affect you. I would never not listen to anyone, but sometimes it can be a little over-bearing, you know? I just feel rather lonely and more frightened than I think I've ever been. There are so many aspects of life coming closer that I am clueless as to how they'll turn out. And I'm scared.

Sometimes I can't figure out if I'm putting myself in the same situations as well, or whether they're different. It's confusing when people can be so totally different and yet when you question your emotions you feel exactly the same in both cases.

On an alternate note, my hands have smelt weird all day. I keep washing them but they smell like tomato sauce and soap... not pleasant.

Night.

  Well I'm having a mixed day. Half of me is in pure panic about the shear amount of stuff to know for this ruddy exam on wednesday. So, so much. I've run out of cue cards in the right colour! But also it's been a nice day because my brother and his girlfriend came round. They're off to Amsterdam this week- so jealous! But Barney chucked water all over me, so I chucked it back. Then after he left I came up to my room, opened the door and a bowl of water fell all over me.

He will pay.

 Charlie is so lovely though, mum and I said if he doesn't I should marry her. It's so annoying though, I always wish I were older so that I could be friends with my brother's friends and not just the little sister. It's terribly dull. But hey ho, it's still nice to meet nice people older than me and spend time with them occasionally. That way I can be like the exotic mysterious person that they don't see much of... ooh I like that.

However I am still fretting about this exam.

More later.

This was my day...

Perspective

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se38cIQSoIg

  This is an extraordinary documentary if you're looking for an hour of procrastination. You'd expect it to be filled with tragedy and heart break but it's just beautiful. These families are filled with hope, and they have learned to take the beauty out of an appalling situation; I think there's something to learn in that. I hope we're capable of learning it without losing loved ones.

  It's something I've been doing, whenever I feel like I need a sense of perspective on life, I'll watch or research something like this. So lately I've realised there are many events coming closer in my life which I hadn't seen clearly for what they are. And tonight I saw a different angle on some aspects of my life, in a way I hadn't before which has been a little crushing to me. Listening to the people speaking on answerphone messages about the future and giving hope to their loved ones has inspired me somewhat. I feel like I'm going to have to be strong in myself soon and it'll be a challenge but one that must be faced. Life is not about endurance, it is about experiences.