It's funny how feelings creep up on you. How up and down we are. I always wonder, if we were still just animals living in caves and grunting, whether we would get the same waves of emotion. Whether other animals get the same waves of emotion. I wonder. But today was a good day, a high peak, which obviously has to balance out with a low trough. Does this high and low mean that I'm just being negative? Is it just me, or is it normal? And am I supposed to deal with it and stop it or just accommodate it? I'm finding all these thoughts are very jumbled up in my head right now.

  I've just plunged into a new life, one with important jobs to be done that effect my living situation and not my intellectual situation. And that's very scary. I'm sure I've said that a lot, but it's these moments when that gets to me. I feel hugely strong and very vulnerable at the same time, which is unusual. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. But at the same time I want to just talk and talk at someone who'll listen to it all and not say a thing. If someone just heard all the thoughts repeating themselves in my head over and over again maybe I'd feel better. But I don't like off-loading feelings on people, it's not fair I don't think.

  There was a film I watched once where Bett Middler played an excellent part. She said "Be selfish. Because in life, if you go around taking care about everyone else and you don't stop to think, what about me? You'll go crazy." Where does the line end from being true to your own interests and being a good friend and a good person. There is much philosophy and contrasting beliefs in this world that it's sometimes very baffling to figure out what doing the right thing is. Are we to trundle through every japanese proverb and philosophical musing and decide, yes or no. I agree with this, I don't agree with this? What if we agree with contrasting theories?

  I tell you want. There is one simple, most basic philosophy in this life. Things begin, and things end. That is the simple law of it. Everything that ever is, was or will be, will exist and will burn out. That's it. Down to a T. What we colour in in-between might be a nice way to calm ourselves and reassure ourselves that there's more to life than that, but when it comes to the laws of science, nothing matters except birth, death; beginning, end; start, stop.

  On the other hand, there should always be happiness, I believe. There should be colour and experience and hurt. All we are really, are witnesses to this current world. We are born, we see, we try to learn and appreciate what we can, or we don't appreciate it and die regretfully, and then we die. It is not a purpose, but a habit of our species. Observe, progress, appreciate, survive.