What a time it's been since last posting. At the end of first year I had a real confidence low. My two best friends in that year were drop dead stunning and a few people were constantly comparing me to them (not in a good way). By the end of first year it really got my self esteem down, I had a fab summer meeting new people at work in Wales, and when it was time to go to a festival with some friends, I spent the first night in the tent alone while they went to party, crying. I can trace back to that moment where it all started to go wrong at uni.
Since then, I had a massive low in second year: the house was a headache in terms of organising new tenants and shitty landlords. I even considered and spoke to my parents quite seriously about dropping out. I started talking about Reading in past tense even! But weirdly I began to withdraw into myself, a complete shadow of the confident gimmicky girl I always have been. I believe I ran out of passion: passion for my subject, passion for my life in Reading.
Then in my second term of university last year, I became involved with somebody from back home, and he has become a massive part of my life. A buddy as well as my rock and partner. So perhaps I have been exploiting my need to run away by using him as an extra excuse - a reason to explain my absence. (Although I always want to be with him when I go home, and I would be running all the same without him.) Missed the end of last year pretty much entirely, and then this term I've spent the majority of term time in Wales.
You don't hear the voices of people who didn't get on with university life. About people getting up at 5:30am to get back in time for a lecture, and return home the next day as early as possible. I've heard many more stories from people in my home town who used to do the same, or put off going back to uni, cry every time they went back. The worst thing about it all, is when I considered dropping out we (my parents and I) discussed the dent it would leave in my CV. Three years, roughly 40 grand of debt and if you leave early you seem like a failure.
So it can be tough, especially when you are having an internal battle that you have failed socially and you pin all the blame on yourself. That's not a healthy state of mind at all. But the truth is I never met enough of the right people here, not many real friends I can count on to care about me. And I don't care back, because it's not right, the chemistry has faded. First year was extremely fun, and now I feel like a very old student who's hanging behind.
Which is why I haven't posted for so long. Ultimately I figured that I never blogged for people to read it, I'm not sure why anyone wants to read about what someone else has been up to. But it's such a release! To say everything you're feeling inside. I just haven't found my place or my passion yet. But that's ok, most people don't even realise they should be seeking it. I complained through sixth form, through travelling, (at the time), and now I've complained through uni. And that's fine, I just need to keep looking forwards and stop questioning myself. I'm not unfriendable, which I am just going to have to take time convincing myself of.
And breathe.
