This guy is going to buy these for sure, I've had an email from him about details, if anyone fancies shifting him up by a pound or two I'd be appreciative:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/181150141974?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/181150144753?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649

Well first of all, I know what you're thinking. Where have I been? Why have I not blogged in days? What exciting anecdotes do I have? Well friend, I shall tell you all.

I suppose it starts with Monday night. I had a text from the lovely Isobel Grant saying LET'S GO CAMPING!!! Which obviously was the start to a lot of excitement. So we drove to the New Forest, got lost a few times on the way but hey ho, and then we arrived and we all drove around for a while confused about where the site was and whether we were allowed to be there.

Anyhoo, we parked up and all got very excited about a number of things. Things like jelly bean popping candy, having survived following Izzy's car, having made it to the camp. Those sort of things. We set up camp but were quickly eaten alive by midges, I believe they were, which was horrendous. They were in our hair, on our face, in our clothes. Swarms of them. Here is a picture of Michelle's neck to demonstrate the damage:

I know. Ouch. I even got them under my tights all over my knees. Just my knees though, which is a bit strange. If I were a midge and I'd made it under someone's tights, I'd probably just bite a bit higher up. Or go the whole hog and aim for ankles. Anyway, tangent. Billinge managed (with ease I might add) to start up a fire which we then huddled around with hoods up praying for the sun to go down to get rid of the flies, meanwhile Izzy and a couple of others drove off and knocked on people's doors asking for bug repellent. Which was hugely appreciated.

Keeley went to have a wee and returned staring into the eyes of a couple dogging in a car. That was amusing. Apparently he looked like a pimp. But I thought, if you're going to drive out to the middle of nowhere to shag, surely you would aim for somewhere with no cars? The three of ours were parked right opposite them. Silly doggers.

Then the sun went down, and it was time to crack out sausage baps, marshmallows, cakes, gingerbread and of course, alcohol. Much to my efforts any alcohol I drank failed to do anything, which was strange considering how much of a light weight I am. Here are some photos of us by the fire:

This is a photo of Bex pulling a strange face, Joe scratching his face and Lauren looking like she's snogging Izzy. She isn't though. They were just talking. Promise.

2. Billinge cooking the sausages doing that thing he does in every photo. And Kate turning away because she didn't want a photo. Silly Kate.

3. A rather disgusting one of myself and a nice one of Michelle. Bites all over my face.

4. Emily and James. Emily looks nice. James...

...yeah.

5. A very badly taken photo of Keeley and Tom. Apparently shouting 'KEELEY AND TOM' as you take the photo isn't quite the right moment.

Later, two figures came towards us with a torch, and we were all saying things like "Oh it's the patrol!" and "We're in trouble!" Joe headed towards them to politely tell them we were all too drunk to drive home. Or as he phrased it "I was gonna split their chin." But it turned out it was just James and Emily. Bit anticlimactic. I also had a very nice chat with Izzy about our gap years and we agreed to keep in contact. I think I may even have used the phrase "This could be the start to a beautiful new friendship." Sorry Izzy.

Several wees in the forest later, I decided that the rain was a sign for me to retire. So I headed off to bed, (inflatable double bed, duvet, pillow, thermals and a onesie thank you very much), and everyone else carried on the merriment. There's something really lovely about hearing the sound of light rain on a tent when you're snuggled up inside. That's always the moment where I think that everything building up to it, the hassle of putting up the tent and getting eaten alive, is all worth it for that moment. Safe in your little cocoon. I had a very nice sleep then. Even a drunken Bex couldn't wake me as she came to bed, so we slept in until 9:30 the next morning.

The next morning there was the return of the midges. Mmmm. The rain was heavier too, so we packed up the tents and then left pretty much straight away. It was a very nice trip though, good to do something different. And I have to say, the camping was so diverting, it took me a good few hours to realise I had completely forgotten that Made In Chelsea was on the previous night, and that I could watch it on catch up. That was a nice surprise also.

I realise I've been talking for a long time now, so as a quick break here's a photo of a hamster in mid-air.

Welcome back.

So then tuesday night, my parents had jollied off to Hay on Wye in the camper to look at houses for sale, so after work I collected Evie who moved in with me for two days. Here are a couple of our experiences:

1. This is us having a nice brunch.

2. And this is us revising. Look how sad Evie is.

During this time Evie had a text from Alix asking for her 2 for 1 code for the cinema, at this we decided to go to the cinema. This resulted in spending £11.60 on pic' 'n mix, in fact there was so much that even the thought of having any made me feel sick so I didn't eat any of it. We saw the Hangover part III and though it wasn't as good as the first two, it was still very funny and the ending was perfect.

Then we had Izzy round and we watched 'Run Fatboy Run' but my DVD was scratched so we missed all of the race, which kind of defeated the point.

Here is a photo of me hurling my face towards the camera, and Evie looking shocked:

Here is an attempt from us to look 'hard:'

So that's been my few days. I've left out some information but I think you've had quite enough already. Many thanks if you've made it to this far in this post. I'm going to eat some sweets now. Bye!

Adieu and all the rest.

  The end of an era has arrived and I'm sure this post is going to be expected from most of you last year school attenders.

  Yesterday was our last day of school ever. That means no more South Wilts, no more Bishops, no more lessons, no more Salisbury even. Today I saw many people who I am very likely to never see again for the rest of my life. How crazy is that? People I talk to, or don't. People I am friends with possibly.

  What an extraordinary journey we have been on these past two years. At the beginning of year 12 the teachers said to us "These two years will go incredibly quickly" for me, they've been the two longest years of school life. Being in year 12 feels like 7 years ago. There was so much advice I wish I'd listened to last year. Especially the piece they kept repeating: "This isn't GCSE, you actually have to revise" They were right. Took about a year to figure that out though. Well done me.

  But these things are in past. I've had some incredible experiences this year, I've had some terrifying moments of genuine fear and lack of control which I hope to never have to experience again. Standing on the street at midnight with a bunch of guys yelling "Let's go start a fight with someone!" was probably my most frightening moment.

  Sixth Form has not been a time I will remember as being the best time of my life, I haven't enjoyed South Wilts and I chose the wrong subjects. But it's only natural that thinking about leaving creates this feeling like something is pushing itself out of your stomach and into your throat. It's only natural to feel a little melancholy, a little emotional about it. Mostly it's excitement, but it's also the nostalgia element. It's fear as well. Who is going to cut me off? Who will I cut off? When one of my brother's went to university, his best friend just stopped contacting all his old friends.

  There are people I will miss who aren't particularly close to me, and that's a bit hard as well. Things I won't miss include the smell of that fucking fridge, named mugs and flaunted friendship fallouts. (Alliteration there). Time wasting assemblies, daily bulletins, homework, rules about tights. Things I will not miss ever.

  I wonder though, if you've all considered what we're about to encounter? Have you realised that we are leaving home? No more parents or siblings, you are now in a waiting land. You are waiting till you know where your home is, and you are waiting till this passes and we're in the next place. You now have a new home somewhere else. And you will never return to the one you're currently in. We have outgrown our parents, we are now officially people in our own rights. In my opinion, when we leave home will be the true test of our parenting experience. How we act and conduct ourselves away from them, what monsters they have created of us. Probably about 50% of us are about to dramatically change because of this independance. Just little things, like not having to text someone to let them know where you are, or call them to ask if you can go somewhere. Things like that are going to be gone.

  For me, it's not only leaving parents but turning 18 right before I leave, after everyone else. I'll be injected right into being an adult without any breaking in of the process, that's going to be a major change for me.

  I'm excited to find out if I can cook. Pretty sure the first couple of months without my parents is going to result in me eating whole bags of crisps for meals and feeling pretty ill. But hey ho, in 10 years from now I'll have learned how to take care of myself efficiently so it doesn't particularly matter.

  The future is in our hands now, and that is going to be the thing we have to hold onto. I will miss so much of the experience we've made it through, and I feel honoured to have gone through it with so many people I admire and respect. All we can really do is approach tomorrow with our aspirations in our hearts and hope for an extraordinary adulthood.

  See you all at Leavers Ball, folkes.

Well, it's a blog post at least.

Plus, I found this way too funny:

Jus' chillin'

Learning

  Every time I find myself in a low situation, I think immediately about what I believe is to be learned from that situation. I analyse straight away for my mistakes. But often I don't realise until afterwards that my mistakes are commonly made in reaction to the mistakes I believe I've made already, if that makes sense. Say for example you don't speak to someone for a while, I would find myself angry about the few things I said during that period of not talking to them, when actually as you're telling yourself these were the problems you make many more mistakes as a result of that.

  As much as I have tried not to be, I am extremely passionate, just like my mother. And it could most likely be one of my main problems through life. I have a nice hobby of making rash decisions when I'm furious and saying bad things and lashing out at people who aren't to blame, and then about 10 minutes later I'll feel blissfully happy and not understand why I've made them upset. I admire my friends. How do you do it. I even know as it's happening that I'm being a bitch.

  Last week was very trying overall, you know everything falls apart in one go. But actually what I have learnt this week is that only you can accurately make decisions for yourself about what kind of situation you are in. Everyone needs advice but actually it's down to you, you know all of it and not just what you've said, remember when you're passing on details to a friend more often than not there's moments in your head where you think "Actually it wasn't quite said like that..." Devil's in the detail and all.

  But also I've learnt, don't. be. a bitch. Sounds simple doesn't it? Well when you travel back in time and your life was running like hell from the ugly boys in kiss chase and being called 'Fartalot' on a daily basis, (one accident in reception), it's not hard to understand where my defensive and melodramatic tone came from. Anyway. Nighty night.

With my first exam looming tomorrow morning, this video from James Bradwell was one I appreciated beyond words. It is 20 minutes long, but trust me the time flies as you watch it because he is a fabulous speaker and really intelligent content:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wX78iKhInsc

I am not dreading tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to tomorrow morning at the prospect of proving myself, at the prospect of getting it over with, at the prospect of achieving anything. I am looking forward to tomorrow morning because each exam represents a movement towards independence and freedom. I refuse to let all the stuff that's happened to me this week overcome my ability to gain freedom. Tomorrow is a step closer to Manchester, to city life, to new friends and a fuck load of anecdotes.

I'll drink to that.

Boredom is over.

I have just discovered a way to NEVER. GET. BORED. You will laugh as much as I have. (Probably a bit less).

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah, I'm going to die alone but now it's WORTH IT.

Night.

LOOK IT'S LIKE YOU'RE IN SPAIN:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHU-AJTn0I8

Nice eh?

Well well summer is well and truly upon us. It's been so long since I've been able to wonder round for days in a row in my yellow rain coat and pink wellington boots. Honestly, it is a delight to welcome back the sun.

I am two days away from my first re-sit, which I am incredibly excited about. (Laughter). But anyway. Turn off the guitar now it's annoying me.

My life has been pretty dull of late, it's consisted of about 5 things:
1. Screaming "I'M NOT DOING TEMPLES" at Mr Owen.
2. Complaining
3. Watching Game of Thrones
4. Complaining
5. Trying to get into a coma so I get my grades for uni based on predictions.

Been spending time with some new people lately which has been nice, it's good to mix things up a bit. I've also only got 6 doubles in school now, which means I am NEVER in school. Which is rather lovely. My new life is reciting greek words and then eating a cookie as a reward. I've even recorded myself talking about the Odyssey and have been playing it at night, hoping it'll sort me out for exams. Hahahaha aaah optimism.

Also having a drunk conversation with my brother yesterday, it was his birthday and I rang him at half 11 to wish him a happy one and he was obviously intoxicated. He kept yelling "YEAH I'VE BOOKED AN ALGERIAN PLACE FOR SATURDAY. YOU CAN EAT STEAK THERE." He's 24 now, all grown up. (ish) Sometimes I wonder if I'm more mature than him... What am I saying, I am more mature than him!

L'occitane have launched 4 new fragrances, made exclusively by a fragrance merchant for the company and they are really lovely. Tell your mother's to go and try them out. Just do it, don't just think you will. Do it.

Do it.

Have a lovely evening.

This.

Was on my Youtube adverts.

Mmm... not the most flattering photo in the world. I'm not even sure if she's smiling. It looks like one of those photos that happens when you're getting ready to go out and your friend says "Janet photo you look hot!" and you go "really?" "YEAH! Don't move you look perf." *click*

Oh... that's... lovely... smoulder.

Mood Sthwingth

  I suppose I had it coming really, I'd been incredibly happy and cheerful saying goodnight to my parents, and now I've come crashing down. Rock bottom or what. (Just goes to show how far a bit of Sun will affect someone).

  The pivotal moment this night was when Ned Stark was beheaded in the episode of Game Of Thrones I've been watching on catch-up desperately trying to keep up with everyone around me. I cried like a baby. Okay I am of course kidding, I'm still in tears now. Ned! But that's the dangerous thing one does by watching a tear-jerker alone at night in bed. It's all piling out now. Exam stress, parental stress, social stress, boy stress. It's just all here. Sometimes it seems like every problem I have, (not that I have many but go with me), they turn into people and I feel like they're all stood in my room while I sleep. And I hate it when people come into a room where everyone else is sitting/lying and they stand.

  There's so much pressure. It's so hard to remain relaxed and not over-think tiny details in other aspects of your life when you feel like there's an expectation of you to perform in the same way as every other person doing what you're doing.

  How shit is that? Next friday I will go into a Class Civ exam and take the same exam as the students around me and talk about the same subject and be marked by the same criteria and get a result based on how well articulated and historically aware I am. I'm not academic. Perhaps I could be, I was at Grammar school and so I guess there must be something I can do. But I think I'm not, really, because I hate it. I despise being taught the exact same course and not being able to express anything through my exam. When I come out of an exam I think 'yeah that went okay.' I think it because according to the way I've been taught to write the exam, it went well. But not once in an exam do I find myself being able to discuss any information in a way I want to.

  They don't care what my opinion is. They don't care what I have to say about anything. They care how it matched criteria. Opinion is such a low part of an exam's needs. I don't want to be forced into thinking. At university we'll get to pick what fascinates us for our dissertation, but right now, who cares what I have to say? I don't like my lessons because not only am I bored and unengaged but so are my teachers. They're frustrated at not being able to express their opinions as well.

I can't do this for much longer. I feel like no one in the world is listening and no one in the world cares about me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

This is my favourite song right now. Had a lovely couple of days initiating a rather impressive British Tan, if I may say so myself. You know the kind of tan I mean, you know it's happening because with your sunglasses on your body looks really brown, and you think 'Hey well done Mr Sun!' and then you take your sunglasses off and blind yourself with whiteness. Yeah. That's my legs. But it's dark right now so they look very nice. And they're under covers which I think personally makes them look even nicer.

I love the sun. It's been such a rush having it back again, I'm happier in my own company. When it's cold and my parents go somewhere I get really low normally, but now I've been at the Vitamin D factory it's big smiles all the way.

What else... let me think of a topic. I thought of something provocative the other day, what was it...

Well that thought has gone. But I shall come up with something else before I drift. Let's see... what about emotion? Or more interestingly, love.

Maybe that was my thought the other day, what is love, and is it real and have we made it up. It doesn't seem like, as animals, we were intended to settle down and have one partner. That's my perception. You think about animals for example lobsters, (I'm taking this factual lobster stuff from Friends so I'm open to it being wrong), but they mate for life. None of them go off with any other lobsters. It just seems to me that if we were like that no one would change their mind about their partner.

And how do you know when it's time to end being with someone? Maybe you're out of love, but you can fall out of love with anyone. So should you not try? I just don't know. I wonder whether we've made up love. 'You'll just know.' Hear that a lot. You do get moments of knowing. I've had them. Mum says it's when you think about them constantly, you always want to be with them and you feel it in your stomach. Well sure, I've felt that. That's what infatuation feels like to me. I think love comes from the moment we can't express how much we like someone. I think maybe it's not love, it's a failure of language.

Let that blow your mind for a second - or mine anyway - perhaps we haven't found the vocabulary to perfectly explain the feelings we have for another person we like a lot. So maybe love is something we've made up to make ourselves feel like we've expressed it. Or maybe it's that we're not summing up the feeling enough. The trapped feeling of not being able to express yourself has been named 'love.' Who knows.

We've all been here, you've had a few shots. You're a bit merry and you're sat with your drunk friend, trying to tell them how much they mean to you and you feel like you're on the verge of tears. And you say things to each other: "I really love you...no seriously I love you so much...I love you more than anything." It's like now love has turned into a quantifiable noun that perhaps it doesn't have as much effect anymore.

My thoughts are so interesting when you magnify them. I like that.


I am going to share this photo with you because I love you very much. And despite how ugly it is it makes me snort with laughter every time I see it:

My mother is going to lead a 'Mamma Mia' concert tonight. This is what she looked like leaving the house:

Is it okay that I'm weirdly proud? The shoes were a present from her Military Wives Choir. The dress was actually mine, I bought it for a retro party aaaages ago which I didn't actually go to in the end. I tried to sell it on ebay but strangely no one wanted it... funny that. Glad it's got a proper use now.

  Aged 17, going on 38... we're only at the doorstep of our lives, but I'm not ready to believe that I haven't experienced life enough to understand things. I get really miffed at those adults who say things like: "Oh well that's life" and that "It'll be the same as you get older." I'm tired of some adults acting like we don't know anything. Because I think we do, everyone grows up a lot faster than parents recognise. I've been talking this through a lot recently with one person, and it's made me think a lot about it.

  The change happens as we start to keep secrets from our parents. We tell our friends instead, and it's okay that we don't tell our parents things. We're becoming our own person and not theirs anymore. Someone was saying to me about how parents have to learn to be interesting to their children again, otherwise with that gone and the authority gone, why would the child stick around? I think it's a fascinating point of view, but I think there's a sense of guilt which makes a tie between the generations. I feel - I don't know if anyone else feels the same - but I feel like I owe my life and everything I have to my parents. I don't want to feel like that, parents are the ones who brought us into this world out of their desire, not ours. I love this, listen to Sidney Poitier's speech:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtHGA6zlsnA

  Within a middle class realm, I can empathise with any situation. Think about it. Whenever people come to you with a problem, pretty much every time you can think of some experience which is connected somehow no? I've seen death in many forms, had to deal with family problems, lies, falling out with friends, set backs in my 'career' (I'm counting exams as that because it's all path building), I've seen people hurt, tried to help people and been unsuccessful. I've been hurt and let down and I've learnt how to deal and recover from these things.

  Self-discipline is the hardest lesson. I still struggle to refrain from getting back in contact with people who I know are no good for me, but I'm getting better and visualising the crashing sense of regret you feel afterwards. Most days, that's enough to deter me from any further damage. Learning to work harder and to trust yourself as well, is going to be such an important life skill. Really everyone just wants to be the same as everyone else, no one wants to think about self-improvement. I don't want to apply for student finance. That requires dealing with it BY MYSELF. Leave me alone.

  How am I going to get myself to the point where I can control myself enough to manage my life effectively? I wish I knew how to do that now, but it'll happen. But I'm not a little girl and I'm certainly not as naive as older people might believe. Sometimes I'm childish or stupid, but I am aware I'm being an idiot, I just am not sure how to stop my impulses; doesn't mean that I'm immature.