Mood Sthwingth

  I suppose I had it coming really, I'd been incredibly happy and cheerful saying goodnight to my parents, and now I've come crashing down. Rock bottom or what. (Just goes to show how far a bit of Sun will affect someone).

  The pivotal moment this night was when Ned Stark was beheaded in the episode of Game Of Thrones I've been watching on catch-up desperately trying to keep up with everyone around me. I cried like a baby. Okay I am of course kidding, I'm still in tears now. Ned! But that's the dangerous thing one does by watching a tear-jerker alone at night in bed. It's all piling out now. Exam stress, parental stress, social stress, boy stress. It's just all here. Sometimes it seems like every problem I have, (not that I have many but go with me), they turn into people and I feel like they're all stood in my room while I sleep. And I hate it when people come into a room where everyone else is sitting/lying and they stand.

  There's so much pressure. It's so hard to remain relaxed and not over-think tiny details in other aspects of your life when you feel like there's an expectation of you to perform in the same way as every other person doing what you're doing.

  How shit is that? Next friday I will go into a Class Civ exam and take the same exam as the students around me and talk about the same subject and be marked by the same criteria and get a result based on how well articulated and historically aware I am. I'm not academic. Perhaps I could be, I was at Grammar school and so I guess there must be something I can do. But I think I'm not, really, because I hate it. I despise being taught the exact same course and not being able to express anything through my exam. When I come out of an exam I think 'yeah that went okay.' I think it because according to the way I've been taught to write the exam, it went well. But not once in an exam do I find myself being able to discuss any information in a way I want to.

  They don't care what my opinion is. They don't care what I have to say about anything. They care how it matched criteria. Opinion is such a low part of an exam's needs. I don't want to be forced into thinking. At university we'll get to pick what fascinates us for our dissertation, but right now, who cares what I have to say? I don't like my lessons because not only am I bored and unengaged but so are my teachers. They're frustrated at not being able to express their opinions as well.

I can't do this for much longer. I feel like no one in the world is listening and no one in the world cares about me.