Humbled

I have a few photos which montage my life below. Just little every day occurrences which I have captured. I feel deeply humbled tonight by all the good around me. I sent off an article tonight someone who may be able to give me a shot at writing for a paper. I sorted out some travelling things. Just titbits you know? But necessary ones. I just feel that my life lies in front of me with endless possibilities and chances and I feel so lucky to have all that ahead of me. Most of that has come on a platter to me, I just hope I can do something good for the world. 

I will let the pictures be the main feed tonight, to ring the changes. (Hooray!)

I give you my Vietnamese man. Back in year 11, we were given a black and white photo of this man and told to paint the shades on him. He had a really interesting face. I did the above piece and my teacher loved it, so I glued it onto my wall. Which was a silly thing to do because I couldn't take it with me. And so I'm sure he's been painted over by now, and this was the best photograph I had of him. Sad really.

My new favourite little thing. Millie is one the Kelly's dogs, and she is SO CUTE. Always greets me nicely and wants to be stroked.

Anyone remember this face? My other half and I shopping in Southampton, and naturally when anyone picks up a camera this is how you react. This was a nice day, thought I'd share a momento.

Sobsobsob. My dinner date with Dad, this was probably the 9th try for a photo without him looking confused, annoyed or false. I miss my Pops a lot. He almost cried when he dropped me off on this night. I can't think about them too much because I'll start to cry.

Love this. Little devoted fans. Had nothing to do with my gorgeous gammon steak obviously.

Anger

How do we react when we feel different things?

Emotion is a very personal and selfish trait of human nature. In a way. The past couple of days I've been getting tired of listening to every aspect of society being judged as wrong. In my opinion, we need to remember we are all just animals programmed and instinctively designed to keep surviving. The rest is just fabrication we have created to reassure ourselves that there is some meaning in such a short existence.

That sounds pretty sombre, but I don't mean it negatively. It's a natural and simple point of view on a world full of endless complications and problems, hell even a simplistic view on the good stuff.

But back on topic, when I feel angry it manifests quite similarly to being upset. I've been wondering whether this is a similarity between the two feelings and what they do to your psyche. Being mad makes me want to reach out to people, in a way which would be totally destructive. It reminds me of every little thing that was never sorted out with people. Every unanswered question. And it makes me want to shout at them all.

One of the main things I want to pass on to any children I may have is that there is nothing worse than not sorting out un-finished business, any queries which remain unsolved. You cannot lead a life unable to move on from the past because you never had the information you needed.

This is probably all coming out as a weird stream of consciousness but sometimes that's all thoughts really are. I just feel like I lost a small piece of respect for the world.

The Only Way Is Up

  What a day. And what a week this will be. Yesterday I had a lovely day off, sat in the sitting room under a duvet with one Kelly twin either side of me watching film after film. Felt so good to be doing absolutely nothing.

  There have been steps forward with my gap year in the past couple of days, today I had an email from the editor of Salisbury Journal. It looks like they may have some opportunity for me... early days but all good experience. This week I will be receiving a quote from a representative of a student travel agency, telling me how much the travel will be for my chosen route. I have been stressing about how people I want to go with keep pulling out or not being able to come. So I have decided the best thing to do will be to book the flights and then it's no going back.

  I couldn't deal with the idea of being stuck at home for the whole year in Salisbury, earning money just to buy hundreds of drinks next year.

  So it's exciting! To add to that, my parents have moved into their Welsh home today and I hear they are both hugely happy, which is great news. I was worried it would be a stressful day but it seems to have gone smoothly (still glad I wasn't there to witness this for sure though).

  I have made myself a promise that my life will be extraordinary. I think it already has been to be honest. When I think of all the experiences and challenges I've faced in the past couple of years, hell, months! I feel deeply amazed that so much opportunity lies ahead of me. All the times I'm yet to have next year as well... eek!

So again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

Pub

I have noticed that when you go into a pub and ask a barman/woman his opinion on which whiskey you should try, they do not know. This interests me for a couple of reasons.

1. They are not specialists, nor do any of them really care about the alcohol they are serving. I think it would be nice if all pubs or even some had servers who knew a lot about taste and could advise you. 'This one is popular' is not something I care to hear.

2. The reason I am even asking this in the first place is because I'm new to this drink. It's the first alcohol I have ever enjoyed and that means that a) I do not know which brands are nicest and b) I would like to try a multitude of them.

It is hard for me to resist the 70 year old bottle the Kelly's have stashed in its box here. I suppose I'll have to stick to fruit tea and water for now.

Thinking

Thinking is a very dangerous thing. Everyone has one place where their faults originate from and I think I've determined that mine is my thoughts. You know how when someone else gives you advice it's always brilliant but they can never apply it themself? That's the same for most people so I think it's a common thing. I am still aware as I think things and do things that there might be better ways of saying something or handling something, etc. But that's not always enough to control it.

When you let yourself think about something you've been trying not to think about, that's bad. I always used to struggle with that but now I've learnt to limit it. It's surprisingly easy to turn your thoughts to something else.

The only time you can do the right thing is to stop thinking and start seeing, then you'll know what to do. That might sound confusing but it's pretty simple, I hate the phrase 'try'. Don't try, just bloody do it.

Welcome Home

  Well it's been a while since my last post. Ish. And that's because the past week has been CRAZY. This time last week I was moving out of my house, boxes and mouldy sandwiches gallore. I also forgot a rather embarrassing hidden engraving in the far corner of the floorboards under my desk, but we won't go into that.

  I am now kitted up with a double bed, fairy lights and a lovely new home with lovely people. James Kelly is, as ever, supplying his time with quips and incredibly fast come backs. Mr answer for everything. The dogs are finally accepting me, and their parents have been lovely. I feel a bit bad at the moment because they've done all the cooking and I'm a useless lump. Next wednesday will reveal all. (I've even employed James as my Sous Chef).

  My 'book' is coming along bit by bit. I like it so far. I find it very easy to fall in love with words on a page and I think I'm having an affair about my own characters. And more than anything, I've had time to reflect.

  When I left my house my parents and I were a weepy huggy mess. It was not normal. But since they've been gone I've been able to realise how much I appreciate them. I have had an happy childhood and a peaceful adolescence. Every parent's dream. I always used to think to myself whenever my parents complained or acted annoyed with me about anything, how lucky they were that they didn't have some of my friends for children. I never answer back, argue, lie, not reply, drink and drive, drive fast, sleep with everyone, etc. (I have decided I can sneak in the 'sleep with everyone' bit because we're adults now and adults are allowed to say things like that).

  I am forever grateful and am already missing them, and especially my dog, heaps.

  But right now, I have fruit tea to drink and made in chelsea to watch. And I'm wearing a hat in bed (quirky) because it's cold. Indieeeeeee.

Out

  I am currently in the process of taking everything over the road to the Kelly house. And it is proving a most exhausting task, in every possible way.

  I will always look back on this time on how it was a hugely exciting exertion, an incredibly hopeful time and one of the hardest I've yet had to go through. I have really missed my brother's the past few years but it has given me and my parents a window to become an incredibly close unit, and knowing that might not be there for a while is quite hard to come to terms with. But I find myself from tonight with a new family again and I am so excited to be spending time outside my home, in a weird way. I mean come on, double bed!

  This week I have a gorgeous plan, I'm moving out, seeing two extremely close friends in London, catching up with old and new friends and starting to plan my travels. I've decided - fuck it, I'll go away.  So for me, I have never had such an exciting moment in my life as I am now and that is amazing. I love my job, my family, my friends. Everything seems to be slotting into place. That's enough for me for now.

  As for my parents being far away, I am still going to see them once a week and I'll be living with them again for a month before I go away, and before uni. It'll be so good to get out of Salisbury and into the bleak midwinter, rolling hills of Wales.

  On a funnier note, today I put a penis jelly sweet into Liam (from work)'s tea. It dissolved. Har har. Back to pack.

Just realised this was because of the clock change. Idiot.

Being a Class A Knob.

  It's not easy, cacking things up you know. It takes time, practise and an incredibly low amount of common sense.

  Fancy an example? Today I did the STUPIDEST thing ever.

  So I woke up at 9:30, looked at my laptop, kept checking the time on there to make sure I wasn't late. Had a shower, kept checking the time in there so I knew I wasn't over-running. Then I had breakfast, checking the clock to make sure I was on time. Then I walked to town, checking my iPod to make sure I was still on time.

  Got into town, and weirdly Boots hadn't unlocked the doors so I had to get a sandwich from Starbucks. Town was very quiet. Then I got to work, opened up, served someone some soap. Kept checking the time on the card machine to see how it was going. Then it got to 4! Hooray! So from three, I was sweeping and mopping. Then by four, I had brought in the a-board, turned the music off and was happily cashing up the till. That's when something strange happened.

  I suppose though, the real beginning of the story would be in France about a month ago. My phone didn't register the time difference when I arrived there so I had to turn it forward myself. Then one morning it woke me early and I got up and changed; when my roommates informed me I had the wrong time, and my phone had put itself forward another hour. I got back into bed fully clothed and angry.

  You see where I'm going with this don't you.

  So when I got back from France, it didn't register the time difference and I needed an alarm for work so I set it up ready to wake me. Everything had been fine for four weeks. Until today.

  Today my phone put the time back a further hour. I woke up at 8:15, got to work for 9:40 and did worked an extra hour for absolutely no reason. And the really stupid thing was thinking about all the clocks I'd looked at ALL day and I hadn't sniffed that there was anything wrong.

  I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Time to pack and skype Georgie.

Playbacks

I have been clearing out my room ready for the move, (you'd be surprised how many insects and coins we have surrounding us), and I found this on some till paper from work. Something I scribbled out a while ago, and I quite liked it. I'll pop it below.

But an update on my year, I have started the book I want to write. One page in, I like it so far. It'll be a series of different people's lives. And the boxes are popping up round the house. I have found myself wondering into rooms and feeling confused, that something doesn't feel right. The candelabra will have gone, or the mirror isn't there. It's very strange. Tonight I helped Jess Sparey take our - much used (ironic comment) - exercise bike away. It's all very peculiar, to see my childhood being stripped down into fragments in front of me. I get one more farewell to the bits and pieces that shaped me and then they are going in the bin, or being driven far away.

Tonight Mum and I fell apart about the whole thing really. I'd thought of how much I'd miss my dog Spud, but not really realised how much I'd miss my batty flatmates. There's Rob; he's this quiet practical guy. But sometimes he comes out with things that make you wonder how sensible his thoughts are. He moves things as well... you can guarantee if something that's always lived in the same place has been relocated elsewhere that he's been the culprit of it. He's always, always calm. And then there's my other flatmate, Fiona. What can I say. She's fucking mental. She once woke up at 3 in the morning, couldn't sleep, so went and sent an email to someone. At 7 that morning she was complaining and panicking about why they hadn't replied. And she puts condoms in my sandwiches.

I will miss them. It's going to be strange picking through lunch and not knowing why it's all in order. Or looking for something and finding it right in the place you expect it to be. Mind you I am moving in with James so who knows what that'll open my eyes up to.

PLAYBACKS

I was little when it had happened.
Didn't think anything of it.

Fragments.

Mum used to smile at me to reassure me.
Everything's okay.
She used to stroke my neck at bed time;
Take me to Auntie Karen's
Before Dad got home.

Didn't think anything of it.

I was lying in bed when the playbacks started.
Smashed glass, grey skin,
Blood even.

They told me, the ketchup bottle had smashed.
Looking back, we only bought
The plastic bottles.

Easier to get the last bits out.

I don't think Mum ever got sick.
I think he was.

Grandma Irene never told me she'd taken up rum.
Rum made her cry,
But no one explained
So I stopped asking.

But the playbacks.

They show it in HD 3D colour.
Memories I've dug up from the very corners.
Where her hands were,
The hands that stroked my neck, flat up
Towards him.
"Don't."

Not quite the game they told me it was.
I've learnt that from the playbacks.

Just one drink?

  It's less than a week until I move in with the Kelly family and I am feeling quite strange. I think it'll be weird to be living two doors away from my parents, who are still going to be here for a while. I have so much packing to do. So much clothing!

  And my plans next year? Who knows. I would love to travel, I'm finding it upsetting to think I might not be able to see any of that. I just need to think but it's so hard to choose, I really am hanging on to any hope of getting away. So if anyone needs a travel partner... please!

  As for the list of things I wanted to achieve this year, none of them seem to be getting done yet. I'm too tired in the evening to do any writing besides this, so the idea I had to write a 'book' seems a colossal project beyond the outline I've written. The dismal weather isn't helping my ethic either.

  On the bright side, it's amazing what some exercise will do for you. I did a tiny bit the other day and felt hugely better. It's back to basics now, so my plan is to eat well, do exercise and pack up my room. I think I just need to focus on getting back to a good neutral now. Not that I'm unhappy, I just mean that my decisions will flow from a more easy state of mind.

  I did also have the best night on Saturday. I'm not sure Salisbury is as shit as they say it is. A great night is what you make it, so I think everyone needs to stop complaining and just have fun. It's not that hard once you're in the right frame of mind and you're nice and merry. The best nights start with: 'Just one drink...' Then BAM you're flat out on your arse in Voodoo with about 6 pairs of arms helping you up. Texts you forgot you sent, texts from friends of people you danced with, adds on Facebook of unfamiliar names.

 That's what I call a good night.

Time for a guest appearance...

Confusion

  Well everything seems to be happening. I have boxes in my room, that's how happening it is. On a negative side, I dropped a book on my laptop and now the backspace key is broken off. I am sad.

  My plans for next year have been scuppered recently, so I am now clueless about what I'll do next year. But, on a plus side, I am seeing James Bradwell pretending to be a prostitute on Saturday night, and I have been spending more time with some really great people recently. Things could always be worse.

  I'm starting to wonder, the number of times I mention James Bradwell on here, they might find this blog in millions of years and he'll become the next deity everyone worships... that'd be cool.

 Speaking of religion, I heard something the other day about how monkey's have religion. This science guy was talking on the radio about how certain groups of monkeys eat ants and if you don't eat ants, you can't hang out with them. Apparently 12% of their poo contains ants, for no reason at all health wise. It's just what they do. I reckon I'd not fit in well because I'd struggle to catch ants and eat them. Other monkeys have other insect religions though so maybe I'd be better off elsewhere.

 I'm not saying it's something I'm thinking of pursuing but it's always good to have emergency life plans eh?

p.s. this is funny:

http://blogdramedy.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/its-enough-to-make-you-cancel-your-reservation/

Fiction

  I read a book recently, with lots of stories combined together. One of them was from the point of this guy, and he had a girlfriend called Poppy. It was very strange, there were loads of parallels between me and her and past relationships. I realised at the end, when it split off into that Hollywood ending, exactly where we get all this shit from. I'm not saying the guy in the book was at all similar to anyone I've had things with in the past, but it infuriated me.

  The character was this scumbag, bankrupt, drug taking mess, (again not one of mine but personality traits), but at the end of the book he calls up Poppy and he asks her to marry him because he suddenly realises he loves her and it's a lovely smoochy poo moment.

  I got to thinking about all the fiction I read as a child. Hell even the expressions and 'wisedom' we hear. 'If you want someone, go out and get them' 'Don't let them get away' and sometimes those are so innapropriate. We've all had that ex, or sometimes not even an ex, who won't give you time to breath and is desperately trying to keep things going by being with you constantly. They think if they let go you'll forget them.

  What are we being fed? I thinking there was a moment as a teen where I worked out that life wasn't going to be one big fairytale, and that you'll have to work constantly to be happy with the person you love. Again, I've never been in love so I don't really know what it's like but it's obvious that's the way it works. Look at your parents, whose parents have been 100% happy forever? Exactly.

  Life is never going to be easy, all it can be is god damned awesome. And that's what I'm looking for. To be a good person, to good things and to have a fucking good time.

Run-Away

  Last night I had a minnie run-away. It'll sound pathetic when you hear it but it was a big thing to me. You know we always wonder what it would be like to get away. I had my perfect version of that last night.

  I was in the mood to go and do something, but everyone seemed to be busy and my parents went out to drop mum at choir. And then I thought, fuck it. I want to get out of here tonight, somewhere far but not too far, a place I have good memories, a place with a buzz and safety. Bam. Bath! So I drove there.

  Left a note saying 'See you later' and I drove. On the way there, my heart beat was pounding. I don't know Bath roads well, not to mention in the dark and I didn't know how safe I'd be, especially as no one knew where I was. It's the biggest adrenaline rush I've ever had. I couldn't sort my music. It was too loud and stressful and then it was too quiet I could hear my chaotic brain going. The pace was too quick or the songs had too many memories.

  Soon I arrived at Bath, the first thing I saw was a bunch of teenagers stood looking dismayed by a car which had engulfed a street light. I thought to myself - ah. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. I parked in a car park, (which by the way charges for parking at night and there were wardens a-plenty. Not impressed), and then trotted into Bath, stood on the bridge for a while, sauntered around. I found that actually there was a nice vibe everywhere.

  I saw another girl sat on a bench staring up at the bells ringing by a church, clearly alone and not waiting to meet anyone, clearly not from Bath. I wondered if she'd run too. And there was a couple near me, middle-aged. She was sat on his lap and he was going on and on about the history of this damned church and I wanted to know how much she really cared. It seemed to me they were still in that dopey stage of loving everything the other says, wanting to impress. A bunch of university students going for a night run, stretching in the courtyards and scampering after one another.

  Stumbling on, exploring the city in a new range of colour I soon decided after an hour of walking and stopping that quite frankly, I was in need of a loo. Racked with guilt for using anywhere's premises, I stopped at Nero and ordered a 'Latte' which was actually fabulous. Last time I tried to order coffee I was staring at all the fancy names, the woman said nicely: 'Wha dya wan?' and I said 'Just a coffee really' and she looked at me like I was an imp until I opted for a 'Cappuccino.' I'm young, I don't know what the difference is yet. For god's sake I had to google the word to spell check it just to share that anecdote.

  Anyway, the Latte was just as lovely and the loo trip not, (no bog roll), so I left and quickly bumped into Lizzie Gatehouse. Had a quick chat with her, I think we were both quite struck for having seen each other out of context. I even felt bad for polluting her university life with an old face. Never mind, she made me chuckle.

  Once I was back in my car, I drove home with the music on loud, my singing even louder and drove easily the whole way home, a hell of a lot happier than I had on the way. I would recommend running away to anyone. It felt thrilling.

Day Making

  Today I watched possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen happen on the street, and I was all alone, laughing like a moron.

  This guy was walking along holding alcohol in his arms as he crossed the road. He dropped one armful of it all over the road and stared at it while cars dodged him, aware he could do nothing. He then turned too quickly and dropped his other arm of alcohol and smashed the rest of it. A sparkling BMW then drove over the shards, having not noticed them, and there was an almightly bang as the tyre went.

  It sounds funny-ish but you really had to be there.

  Anyway, it got me to thinking about how he'd simultaneously made my day at the same time as ruining his own. I watched him throw away... what? Easily 100 quid's worth of alcohol. The slump of his shoulders was quite disheartening, but at the same time I was dying trying to hold my laughter in. I thought how weird it was to have two people on two sides of the road, feeling completely opposite reactions to the same event.

  It was pretty weird to see such a contrast side by side. I guess it got me thinking about how often that happens, even when two parties can witness and experience the same event the same way and yet still come out with two different view points on what happened.

Hmmmm.

La Rosiere

Firstly, I missed an update on saying goodbye to those precious people. Before I went away I said goodbye to my gorgeous friend Georgie. From the looks of the photos of her and the answerphone messages I've received, she is having a whale of a time. (Not jealous). But missing everyone heaps. Last thing we did together was going for a farewell Wagamamas, which was incredibly lovely.

Here is a photo which depicts us having 'The Last Supper'. A bit like Jesus did, except with fewer beards and more curry sauce.

This is the last photo of Georgie and I before she left *sniff*

Then there was a night with Ollie, Barney and tachos. And while I thought these boys were sticking around, Ollie dropped the bomb on me that Barney would be leaving for Australia around 3 days after I got back from La Rosiere, so I'm hoping I'll see him once more before he goes. Crazy! This is what happened on tacho night:

Now for La Rosiere. For those who I hadn't informed, I have just spent the last week in a chalet in the Alps on a cookery/chalet hosting course. And though I had some dubious suspicions about how enjoyable my time there would be, I could not have been more wrong about the experience I was about to have.

Driving through the winding, mountainous roads and ending up at a place where this is your bedroom view can't be half bad now can it? 

Then there was a fantastic meal cooked by Gordon Ramsay's last head chef... pretty impressive huh? Fantastic cook, with a wonderfully crude and twisted sense of humour. Absolutely hilarious, always cracking us up. We were then slotted into teams who would cook together, and we were assigned our rooms. I'd say it took me and the girls Hayley and Katie, (who I was sleeping and cooking with), around about 3 hours to be close as anything.

See what I mean? Doesn't take me that long to make friends when they're as weird as I bloody am.

Anyway, we had a week of good food, good wine, good company, beautiful views, beautiful walks and lots of drinking in a hot tub looking at the stars. What's not to like? Have to say the drive home with a smacking hangover was less fun, felt a little bit sick. But it's all part of it right?

By the end of the week, I can honestly say I've made two best friends. It seemed unlikely to find one person you'd get on with so well there, but even more unlikely that I'd find two good friends.

It was a hard week, waking up for cooking every day, drinking every night and staying up late started to affect us but I can honestly say it's been one of the most incredible experiences of my life and I'm going to miss it so much. The people were lovely and interesting, the views sublime and the whole feel was just perfect, just what I needed to get myself focused on the task now of moving out and starting my life.

To top that week, I got home and discovered my english A level remark went up by 18 marks, which means I now have an A! Thank goodness!

It has been an amazing year, when I think back to being in year 13 and dreading lessons, to where I am now, having been to Malia, the cooking course, getting myself a job, a place to live, a place at uni, a better grade, everything. Wow! I AM SO LUCKY.

Lastly, thought you'd all enjoy this. I learnt that the secret to a good pout this week is to say 'Wogan' in a sexy way. Life skill in the bag.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

I was having a thought today about this game. The fact that paper beats a rock... I remember as a child having it explained to me as the fact that the rock can be covered by the paper. If anything though, all you end up with then is a well dressed rock. If someone threw it at you, it would still hurt. Which, surely, makes it more dangerous, because it's giving you a false impression. You'd find it all wrapped up and you'd think 'Ooh someone's given me a present, I'll open that up' and then it's just a rock. Then you'd be all annoyed and think, well why has someone given me a rock, that's just mean and not very funny. You may then sit for a while and try to work out if it was a personal joke you'd forgotten, and then eventually you'd just think 'Fuck it, this bitch gave me a rock for my birthday' and throw it out the window and kill a cat or something.

In fact, maybe the rock was never for you. Maybe it was a magical rock meant for someone else. Or maybe it was made by someone like me, trying to prove a point to a friend.

Plus surely you'd need a bit of sticky tape to hold the paper around the rock? And you've now crumpled the paper and made it look horrid so how does it win? I don't think the makers of this chance game really thought it through.

Didn't know I'd be able to squeeze so much written theory out of that cogent thought...


Night.

In the Midst of it All

  Well I seem to be in a stress factory. I keep going into work at the minute twitching with worry and not entirely sure why. I suppose the obvious answer is that you absorb the atmosphere you live in. Seems to be true at the moment with the house move stuff... thingy. Majig.

  Anyhoo, my friends are all leaving me, and this hadn't hit home until Saturday, (enter vodka), I remember being in the Chapel - which I don't think is very good and I wouldn't pay a fiver again - and then I was in Zoo hugging girls and crying. And I suddenly thought... hang on... they're all leaving. You can't help but wonder as well how many of them you'll still be in touch with one day, which makes you even sadder.

  So I felt the need to make my goodbyes. This week I am seeing four friends before they head off, I am going to miss them dearly. I will of course be saying goodbyes to people individually but I feel like a general post would be nice. For those of you who know me from school, you're going to be thinking: 'Oh I feel all nostalgic and emotional that this era has ended' for those of you who know me elsewhere, you'll be thinking: 'What the fuck is she talking about. But awwh I feel all warm inside.'

Here goes:

1. To all the amazing people I've shared lessons and laughs with. I remember kicking my friend's chair and him grabbing my foot constantly, to the point where at parent's evening my teacher told my parents to stop me flirting. I've had people who've helped me so much when I've struggled with topics or whatever, and people like Georgina, who just drew all over me and laughed for a year. All of you people, that I ever got to meet and share time with. Thank y'all.

2. The people that I've been friends with, have been so much fun. I've loved making friends with new people this year, and will always remember the laughs we've had. I can't think of a single example, but I'm sure we have laughed together. It's something that happens to teenagers...

3. For the people I've loved and lost, so to speak (not literally, calm down). I can hand on heart say I wouldn't be the person I am without experiencing what I've experienced with you all. Be it watching people take ecstasy to hungover Wild Child viewings. I'm sad to have lost the closeness to some people, but the time we had has shaped me more as a person than any other friendships. I suppose that has it's pros and cons.

4. To James Bradwell, you are wonderful.

  I look forward hugely to watching the new adventures you all undertake this year at university and wish you all the best. If our journeys entwine again, (that sounded a bit frivolous sorry), I shall be fascinated to see the difference your experiences make of you. I am extremely jealous that I have to wait a year to go to uni, but I should probably go and calm down a bit before I go off. Let's face it I'm still like an excited puppy at christmas.


...Mind you that's a poor example because I doubt puppies, or dogs even, understand the concept of Christmas...

...technicality is ruining my point again. Bye.

Stress

  The last few days I have found myself hugely stressed and can't seem to identify why that is. I think maybe it's a collection of things; my parents are getting close to setting an exchange date for the house which means I'm going to have to go through the mountain of crap in my room. Not looking forward to that so much.

  It might be trying to find my exam results to fill in a remark form in for monday.

  Could be work.

  Or getting ready for Geneva.

  Or being a lone wolf.

  Who knows? I suppose like any normal stress it's a combination of things. So when I get home from work today I am going to take a deep breath and find my exams, get that slip out of the way, maybe just that gesture will make me feel a little better.

  I've put weight on too. It's on my face again. That must be the consequence of having about 3 lunches every day for 5 weeks. So it's time to start easing off too much food as well. I am silly.

  What else...

...nothing really. I'm going 'out' tonight so maybe there'll be gossip tomorrow. Or shenanigans. Fingers crossed.

  I have been debating for a while whether or not to be fully honest with you all in many respects, particularly with my 'love life'. I've thought about how it's best to appear positive and happy at all times, but that goes against my belief in being true to yourself and upfront. And so heart beats mind.

  Because the truth is, I love being single, I've never had a 'proper' boyfriend like many of my friends have, and that's just how it is. I always have needed my independence. To be honest, although I am pretty laid back I think if any guy were to be my boyfriend at this point in my life, he'd have a lot of work cut out in keeping me settled and happy. I have never been the type of girl who'd be happy with a routine of seeing someone the same time each week, doing the same thing, texting constantly. It's not me, and that's what young relationships are like, it's normal. We have obsessive, all encompassing love.

 But honestly, hand on heart, I do get lonely. That's only natural. It's just a common feeling, when you watch Ross and Rachel on T.V., or a photo of someone you liked comes up on Facebook, or when people ask you: "Do you have a boyfriend?" and you say "Not at the moment, no" and they say: "Oh.. never mind." Or when I'm feeling tired or ill and all I want is to curl up with someone and sleep.

  Though it is always the times you least expect it someone amazing comes along. Now that the whole male population of Salisbury my age is leaving to go to uni I shall well and truly be not expecting I am sure. Not that I'm religious, but if baby Jesus wants to send down some totty I'd be grateful as hell.

  Bit of an honest Poppy tonight for you.

Gave it a go...

Well I gave this song a go... doesn't really suit my voice but there we go!! There is another post from tonight, do check it out (like you would a nice boy's bottom).

Pride

  Today I took my first phone call without anyone sat with me. It was a most terrifying sweaty adrenaline rush. But I did it, and yes I had to call her back because I forgot everything, but the point is I DID IT. I just wish we could have some way of filtering the easier calls to the trainees... but it was awesome. I was shaking a lot afterwards, but the rush was really rewarding. I love talking to people, you're never lonely.

  Other excitements are that my mum's Messiah Project is finally starting to get the recognition it deserves, she's evens started setting up a blog tonight, (with the addition of my help and an amount of swearing), so watch this space, I shall be linking it when she writes. I am sure it will be like my blog, but funnier and better written.

  It's one of those days where hard work pays off, I am hugely proud of the ideas my mum comes up with, her determination and drive to see them through without any relent, and her passion for helping timid singers. I think I should count myself lucky for having such an inspirational, intelligent fucking pain in the arse of a mother. How many people can say that they are inspired by their Mum? Not many I think. Very proud daughter.

  To be fair, my dad is having an equally taxing day. He's been given the gruelling task of cooking supper, which he is fretting about no end bless him. Mum really has set a high challenge with this one.

  ANYWAY please can you click the link to her website and just click 'like' on the homepage on the left. No excuses.
http://www.cloud9press.co.uk/

Hey if you really like me and want to earn brownie points, why not share it with anyone you want?!

That's all for now folkes.

  Well. The days blur into one. Every Wednesday seems to be a Tuesday to me. And today I had the horror of seeing a new trainee sat with MY mentor. Not happy. Competition.

  But apart from work I don't really do much. I find myself not as conscious of my thoughts nowadays, the way I used to study them has waned. Nothing seems to happen or be achieved. I am too tired to read, and I miss my friends when I can't see them. I was flung into this completely different routine and now it seems that I am playing catch up.

  I walked home tonight, staring at my tummy. It seems those extra lunches, (my reputation for consuming food has now reached the level where other colleagues pass along their unwanted food in my direction without an utterance), are finally catching up with me. Bit of a tum I have. And my face is getting chubby. Not terribly, but when you have a food baby a good 4 hours after lunch, it's time to reconsider those extra chocolate bars right? - fyi. 3 chocolate bars for £1.20 in Tesco at the moment.

  I've kept kidding myself that I'd become some sort of career goddess when my job started, that I'd have my own flat, I'd wake early to do my work-out (har har) and stroll into work looking effortlessly together and awake, regular coffee in hand. And I'd just smile and say good morning without dropping anything or making a weird noise. But who am I kidding?! It is of course, me.

So. I seem to be a caricature of myself nowadays, if that were possible. But I accept that now.

  What next? I am tidying my room tonight, I shall be starting to send things to the charity shop soon, and that's that. Clear out the old and bring in the new. How can we become a better person without our environment changing? I leave you to ponder that. Happy happy happy Poppy.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

  Walking home from work on Friday evening I found myself in a sort of euphoric state. I had just had drinks at the pub with some truly wonderful and wacky work colleagues, and felt particularly fantastic. When I pushed aside the fact that my eyes hurt like hell (stress problems) and work is exhausting me, I felt amazing.

  I think specifically, the infection of a genuine smile made my day. You can appreciate how great this world is by giving a huge all-teeth-american-girl-style smile to passers by. In return, you'd get the same honest smile back and the sort of glow of someone who's day had just improved. There are polite smiles but real smiles are a whole new level, how fabulous!

  Today I've been a little grumpy, and returning to this moment has just given me that little bit of umpf to get me back into a good mood. Someone said to me today, "You have such a positive look on life Poppy" and I got the biggest school-girl grin on my face. I think that's a new development you know. Something I've been taught by a person who has changed my life for the better (you know who you are), I am hugely grateful to have been given rose-tinted specs from such a young age. I think it takes a few years before we stop the teenage 'everything is shit *grunt*' approach to things. But I feel I'm past that.

  Don't get me wrong, we all have off days, and being told to cheer up when you're down is the last thing you need. However, if you start to find the best in every situation you have, come out of every relationship/experience and think to yourself, 1. What did I do wrong? (because it's a two way street folkes) that answer could be nothing though, and 2. What have I learnt to take into my next experience? You will find your soul in much better knick and happiness will be imminent. Because let's face it, it's much nicer to be happy than sad and bitter.




  I feel like I've smoked something...

  So yes! Life is fabby-loo and all that stuff. I am technically almost homeless and my room is a tip and things at work are about to kick into king stressful but I AM HAPPEEEEEEEEE!!

  BE HAPPY EVERYONE !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

  As it's been a while since my last post, I have edited together a collection of videos which show what I have been up to recently, when I'm not working. Today is my first day off in 13 days and I am LOVING it. I woke up at 12, had a massive hangover curing fry up, (I thought Evie was going to have some of the scrambled egg so I put 5 eggs in. Turns out she was having boiled so I ate 5 eggs), then finally watched Pirates of The Caribbean - which we had to stop and watch on my laptop because I scratched the DVD incredibly badly. LOL.

  Sincere apologies for the use of the previous word, I'm not sure what came over me. But what have I been up to? I have been swallowed by sorting through crap in my room, trying to sort out where I am living incredibly soon and work work working! It's funny how quickly your system goes into a routine, I've been working and sleeping, and in between that Mum has been stuffing as many vegetables down me as possible: 'We've got to keep your immune system working!'

  My new job is fabulous. I love the people I'm with, I always leave work with a huge smile on my face. And I'm starting to be good at it, which is even better because it means people won't yell at me down the phone. It's an exciting time.

  And of course, there's been the big 18 birthday! Last night I 'went out' for the first time with lots of friends and some work friends as well, I had a corker of a night! It's true, a night out is what you make it. It wasn't Malia but at least there was no rapists or fights, which has to be a plus. I'm just so happy to finally be able to do stuff with everyone, it's been really dull watching friends go out and buy drinks and having to get a J2O. No offence to J2O, it's a classic drink. Although, have you tried one recently? Despite it's nostalgic symbolism they really are rather unpleasant tasting...

Long Over Due

  Where to begin really. I haven't posted in such an age I can barely remember what has happened to me.

  I suppose firstly was Malia, an incredible experience. I miss it so much but at the time we were all quite homesick I think. The heat affected me quite badly after a while (resulting in a 4 hour nap in a water park. Most expensive nap ever) and I burnt a bit, which was so painful. Especially when you're out with everyone and drunkards keeping coming and slapping you on the shoulders... haaaaaouch.

  Ouzo was one of the top ranking most painful experiences of my life. Buy the cheap shit, and 20 minutes in you feel like throwing up. Hideous. The alcohol was generally nasty, from paint stripper vodka to watered down squash. Panos, our hotel manager who I am in love with, he was so sweet and protective of us. And on our first day he said 'If you have a problem, you come to Panos.' We bought him a signed t-shirt at the end and he said it was his favourite. *blush and giggle*

  The best part for me was meeting people and getting to know them. There were 4 boys from Durham staying at our hotel and 2 girls from Leicester. The Durham boys were such a laugh, we all really missed their ironed t-shirts and mocking their accents after they left.

Anyway, you've all seen the photos, they say more than enough.

...what next...

Well, I came home and my parents were like: "We bought a house." So they're off to fly to the lover's nest alone together. Mum's getting so excited about decorating and Dad won't stop talking about hinges and solar panels. It's thrilling. But as much as I get bored of hearing about it, I can't help but be infected by their excitement. Hopefully I'll have somewhere to live soon then.

  I've started my new job as well, and it's my 18th on tuesday! So excited. Also, it was Isobel's Dad's wedding last night, I have never had such a good night. I tried whiskey, and LOVED it, which makes me feel very cool and grown up. THERE WAS A DISCO which I DANCED to. And all the people we were with were hilarious. We ended up having a bath in the built into the floor jacuzzi tub. It was hilarious.

  What else? I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe not. I'm just very happy to be so busy at the moment, I'm learning so much and I already feel like I'm becoming the person I want to be, really naturally, which is great. Here's to the future.

OH AND I GOT INTO READING UNIVERSITY. Knew I'd missed something.

Taboo

  Lately the topic of screaming seems to be on my mind. I was at work the other day, and we could hear some girl screaming for ages outside the shop. We all got very annoyed about it, attention seeking nonsense. And that's when I thought about screaming.

  It seems to me, that screaming should be something one only uses when they are in trouble. Think about it; when you hear someone scream or jokingly yell 'Help!' how often do you wonder if you should go and see to the caller? Screaming has become something we expect of young girls being tickled by boys or a way of gaining attention. Which is not good, I think. If anyone were truly in danger now, what could they do?

  You could argue that of course most killers or kidnappers probably wouldn't leave time for a scream, but still the argument remains. It's the same with swearing - it should be kept as a naughty selection of words, exclaimed on the influence of pain - but no longer. It became a cool way of showing that you don't follow modern etiquette, a way of gaining respect or fear. Now they mean nothing, so what's next?

  Swearing should be kept for special occasions, and screaming should be kept for emergencies. That's how I feel. It's the same with car alarms, they mean nothing now. When was the last time someone heard their car alarm and did more than lean back and look through the curtain to check it's just a technical fault- maybe someone accidentally touched the car. Nothing means anything anymore. Tut tut. I sound like an old woman...

Doors

  My mum today said to my dad and I "It seems a lot of doors are closing and new ones opening for us right now." She seems to be right. But I think that's quite an abrupt way of putting it. I'm not sure anything ever really stops suddenly, apart from death. Death is pretty sudden and nasty.

...Anyway. I think the best way to look at things is as alterations, little changes which we can accommodate and react to. Today, I had a crazy moment. My boss was leaving work and she said to me, "When will I see you next?" and I said "I'm in Bristol this week, so next week?" and she looked at the timetable and said "You're on holiday next week, so I'll see you on the 11th." And it dawned on me, that after my holiday, I go into full time employment. That L'OCCITANE will no longer be my only job. I've done so many holiday cover shifts lately, it's going to be weird to go back to weekend girl again. And there we go, a sudden change but a little alteration.

  I welcome the days of baroque pencil skirts, crisp blouses and new people. I am overwhelmingly appreciative, grateful and proud of the life I have had so far and am leading. Especially I am grateful to the huge amount I have learnt over these past few months. I thought I'd learnt a lot in year 12, and honestly I'd learnt nothing. I'd seen what I didn't want to be, not what I wanted to be. Now I know what I want to be and who I want to be. What I want to do will follow, but for now I am excited to start a new type of job and a new adventure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxKjOOR9sPU

Ps. Go to the Lock Inn, it is beautiful and quirky and does amazing food. I'd forgotten how special it was.

Changed my opinion on this man, what a good bloke:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b037524r/Desert_Island_Discs_Russell_Brand/

  It's funny how you find yourself progressing and learning in the most unlikely of places. I've started to be good at my job. I mean, I was always good at clearing up, I think, a bit blonde at times but hey I did what I was asked. The typical Saturday girl. Now I feel like I'm past that, and I have to be better than that. I've started to be able to sell.

  It's very unusual to find yourself finally getting somewhere at something you thought was a talent one either had or hadn't. I guess it's not that kind of thing.

  I suppose it's all part of this desire to be fully conscious of what's around oneself. My big peeve is walking through town behind lines of ignorant strollers, or dawdlers, who are oblivious to your dancing behind them in that very English manner; I'm not going to ask you to move but I am going to silently get into a state behind you until you move and I can do my British 'head-shake.' So maybe the key to much success, working with people in any way, is awareness of other people. Body language, spacial awareness, intonation.

  I'd like to be good at analysing people. I'd like to learn when people are actually kidding or when they're fake kidding but they mean it, you know how I mean?

Anyhoo.

Pendulum

  Life, I am quickly discovering, is like a swinging pendulum, balancing from one extreme to the next. At the moment I've been so busy working, it's almost like my own thoughts disappear and I can't really be myself when I'm there. Then when I arrive home - shoom - all my thoughts gathered, waving at me on my doorstep. Hey Pops! Remember us?! Let's think about all that stuff you've been ignoring all day! As a result, days seem to be dragging endlessly. It's felt like Sunday for about 4 days to me now, every time I check what day it is - oop, it's still Sunday!

  So I get to this point of annoyance, at the positivity buzz. I wouldn't say I'm particularly negative, or positive. I think I swing between the two. Sometimes, optimism and appreciation isn't the right force and it isn't what you need to help you feel better. Kind of like that emotion you get when you're furious and someone tells you to: "Calm down." I've been following Motivational Tweets or something on Twitter, and they posted this the other night when I was in an atrocious mood:

  On a good day, one can look at this and think, yes, jolly good, fuck you life and so forth. But on a bad day, being reminded that others have risen above their desire to just sit and be miserable just makes you bloody well miserable. More so than you were before you saw the photo. A strange thing indeed. I'm all for motivation, but I find that if I'm given it at a point where I am vulnerable or not capable of processing it productively, there's just no point. Come back and try again later.

Mulling

  I have had the loveliest evening with Barney my boii (who is, I've decided, the spitting personality of Jamie Laing from Made In Chelsea). He came round and had a BBQ with my parents and then we drove to Bournemouth and just walked and talked. Well I talked most. I feel a bit bad now, I can never tell if I'm going on too much. Need to monitor that. I hadn't seen him in so long though, it was really nice. My parents love him so much.

  I've been thinking a lot lately about my dreams. Bit of an odd one, but very occasionally I have incredibly vivid dreams and I wake and am convinced they're true, even though I'm aware it was just a dream. Last time I had a dream that felt like that, it came true. So when I had another one recently, I find myself at a bit of a loss. It was about a friend, and they'd done something very bad to me. Because of my last dream, I have since assumed that it's true. Which is probably terrible, but it was such an out of the blue situation, it would be weird for me to randomly ask if they did it, you know?

  This may mean my dreams are coming like warnings, if it was true. They say if humans were able to use their full brain potential we would be able to tell the future, which is why we have de ja vu and maybe funny dreams. I know there are alternate theories about eyes moving faster than the other which explains that 'de ja vu' feeling. But say for the sake of argument that it was a pre-played action by your brain, and it was an accurate prediction of the future, shouldn't it be something we pay attention to?

  What I'm saying is, perhaps I should listen to my dreams... the vivid ones only. Maybe I should ask my friend... hmmm. Funny one. I don't want to insult them but also don't want to miss out on my instincts if they're trying to tell me something.

  I am so excited about life at the moment. Stupid things, like opening and closing the store tomorrow excites me. I am in control and have been trusted to open the store by myself. How amazing is that? I feel privileged.

  Lately I've been really missing speaking another language. I really did fall in love with German in GCSE year and I've missed that kind of achievement. The feeling of being able to speak and understand some other language well was such a satisfying experience. I'm hoping I can take up learning some languages next year. Might force friends to teach me...

This song was introduced to me recently, love it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqCQx0t5qjw

  I had a nice little argument with James Kelly earlier:

Me: Yeah I don't like Leah. I can't picture her winning.
James: She's hot though
Me: What?!! Noo ew James you have shit taste
James: No I don't, everyone thinks she's hot
Me: Who? You and Chris?
James: EVERYONE
Me: And your dad?
James: MANY PEOPLE
Me: Who.
James: you know
Me: Name them
James: Fuck you
Me: Thought so.

Here's a photo of me and my parents pretending to be on a rollercoaster:

Detox, baby!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYvWtGzZsj4

I know what you're thinking, where the fuck have you been? Why haven't I had my daily dosage of your useless, lukewarm, mildly entertaining drivel? Fear not, I am back. And I am very much changed.

  Now, I think whilst blogging every day is a good way to see progression in my self, it's also occasionally important to take a step back and have a wee look at what I've learnt in a period of a week or so. In this case, I feel very much better for it.



  I'm being forced to live as a complete individual at the moment, not in a bad way at all. The word 'forced' sounds rather negative, but it's not meant that way. I've got myself a new job, I shall be working 6/7 days a week commencing 8th august, which I am terrified and incredibly excited by. I'm excited to learn a new field. I've been accepted for a job which is completely different to my current job in retail, which is excellent. It'll mean I can challenge my brain in a whole new way and add some versatility to my CV (gosh I sound posh). It also looks like we may have found a flat for next year... touch wood. So my parents are thrilled to be leaving me secure and sorted. Not that they've sold the house yet, but you never know what's on the cards.

  In my relationships with different people, it's also turning into a situation where we have to take the initiative to keep our friendships going, as school's terminated. At the moment there's still that feeling of security, feeling that everything will return to normal in September. Until we pack, I don't think it's going to hit us that that's just not going to happen. Other relationships have meant that I've had to stay my own person also, which whilst I struggled with before, I am now loving the sense of being my own person.

  But anyway, 'I digress' as James Bradwell would say, the main thing I wanted to tell you about, was my new attitude to attitude and happiness. I believe two things strongly about this subject:
1. We are shaped by our decisions.
2. Happiness starts from outwards, inwards.

  Pretty simple statements, but I've started to live by them now. As I type, I am sat drinking lemon water with green tea. I've just done my yoga and exercise for the day, after having done an 8 hour work shift. I hope to keep this up for the next... ever I guess. I've been sticking to it the past few days. The way I've been going about my exercise is thinking that I should feel afterwards that I've pushed my limits and gone for better than I believe I can do. That way I see progress every day, and my muscles let me know the day after that I'm doing something good to them. And after today, when I wanted to snack, I stopped myself, had a piece of fruit and a lemon water. And you know what? I feel bloody brilliant.

(I explain at this point that lemon water flushes out toxins in our bodies and helps you to have healthier skin, which is why I'm drinking it. I'm not just being strange...)

  So happiness really does come from the outside in, maybe not always. But if I'm keeping my body happy, healthy and exercised, then I have a better chance of keeping my head that way too. So that's my advice to everyone bored and grumpy, do something that you have to force yourself to do that you know is good for you, and the rewards are huge. Everything is just how you perceive it to be. And I'm going to perceive to be happy.

Swings in Roundabouts

  My gap year is finally slotting into place. (Well, not really finally because it's only just started). I've got myself another job, working monday to friday for Diligenta customer service. The interview was actually really good fun and I'm looking forward to it a lot. Then I'll have L'Occitane at the weekends and any babysitting work during evenings. Now all I need is a place to live... if anyone's got somewhere then... yeah... I'll be homeless soon.

  I was feeling fantastic after the phone-call on the evening of the interview where I was offered the job, which was a massive high. My parents got all soppy and proud, dad sent me an email from his new account, (he claims this is the reason for sending it), saying I was the daughter he'd dreamed of. It's all very nice. And then the next morning my car went in for M.O.T. and was a write off, needed a new part for about 1600 quid or something ridiculous. That was a big low.

  Then, my dad found spare parts on the internet which were about 100 quid and not 1600, so we're going to be able to save Nissan after all! That was a high. But then tonight I'm feeling quite down. I've had an extremely long day, been collapsing into sleep all day, it's been quite scary. I kept waking up from naps and asking what day it was and forgetting how I'd ended up there. Hoping for a good nights sleep tonight. Tomorrow night I'm going to a Lady Gaga tribute evening with my work colleagues and Ollie, which should be a laugh. Another high, another low etc.

  I think it's just stress that does it. My eyes started to really hurt before the interview, and then I did the interview and I've felt drained and ill since. The pressure I guess is what gets to you. But it was such a lovely experience, I had a one to one interview with a woman for about an hour, just talking about myself, which let's face it I loooove to do! And it was really nice and relaxed.

  Managed to accidentally make Mum cry yesterday, I sent her and dad a message saying that I was really appreciating the final time we had living together and Mum texted back saying "You've made me cry you bitch." Whoops. Right now I'm sat in the kitchen waiting for her to come home from choir. Feeling a bit in need of a hug and a sob film. My dad's gone away to Spain for a few days, and it's funny but I never feel like I have accustomed myself to his going away. I find it hard adjusting to the dynamic of mum and I by ourselves. I think it doesn't help that Spud constantly looks at you like: 'We're missing one of the pack, just to let you know.'

I heard this for the first time yesterday, love it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzoS756wb6s

  I will begin with a couple of photos I've been meaning to upload for ages. I forced my dog into the first one. He loves it don't worry:

It's funny because he looks like Dad.

Now this one I really like. It makes me feel powerful and stuff:

  I am free from a place that has tied me down for 7 years. I feel more ecstatic for the symbolic value of leaving school. I have just become a real person, is how it feels. A real person who's looking to heighten their career prospects, figure out money and problems that adults deal with. Freedom! Decisions! I'm having so much fun making decisions. It's been so liberating.

  What's nice as well, and I'm sure many other young people are feeling the same as me, is that every day I feel stronger in what I am and who I am. I can't exactly explain it, but I feel secure in myself at the moment. I think it's an alteration of how you spend your time and what decisions you allow yourself to make. Too many times I've done things and known as I've done it that it's the wrong thing to do. Why the hell do I still do these things? I don't know! But I've started to listen to my instincts and it's a powerful place to be. The hardest thing in life is to learn to control yourself, I think. Taking Poppy down a notch or two...

  It's going to be really fascinating to read these posts back one day and see how I developed and what I became. We'll see what happens. Anything could.

Appreciation

  I've been at a point with my parents where I think we're all equally wanting to kill each other on a daily basis, close as I am to moving out and with their big house move on their doorstep. But at this time I'm taking moments to really appreciate what I can of them. My brother Barney and his girlfriend Charlie, (who I am in love with), have been here tonight and Mum's gone off to a small holding course - which I'm told is something to do with alpacas and goats and milking and farms. We all had a long talk about killers and nazis, which was fascinating. Barney and Charlie went to see Anne Frank's hideout and we all got talking about the inhumanity, and trying to work out how something so evil was so easily carried out.

  Anyway. When it came to bed time, I went and brushed my teeth and had a wonderful talk with my dad. We spoke about his family and his lovely father, my grandfather, who I wish I had met, but who I feel I sort of know well. My grandpa was one of those popular town men. He owned a shoe shop, he knew everyone, was smiley, never had a bad word to say about anyone and was honest and kind. The man that everyone knew and loved. Think Ned Stark, except without the beheading.

  Our parents, (I'm using the term 'our' there to mean each set of parents, not that we have the same parents. Don't panic.),  our parents are extraordinary people. They have lives, whole bundles of memories that we have not seen. It used to baffle me, that we could be so much a part of their life and yet not have lived through all their development and progression. I think it's nice to sometimes ask them about some of it. To learn things about their lives. 

  Every year there is a guest speaker at South Wilts' school speech day, and they invite in these ex-students who talk about how marvellous it is to be a successful pilot and how they remember fondly the rolling of the school kilt. Which is all very well, and har har and so on, but within the school there are incredible stories, that we do not know. Mrs Mackay, for instance, was in the military and felt she was not taken seriously. So she cut all her hair short and dyed it platinum blonde to say 'fuck you' to all the narrow minded men around her. Why do they not tell us about these extraordinary people around us? It would inspire many people at the school to feel compassion towards teachers and to see the teachers as role models and idols. Not to sound too cheesey, but having had a mother who ran the choir there, I have heard some hugely interesting stories behind teachers' lives. 

Anyway. Here are some fantastic photographs taken by Megan Plenderleith's boyfriend on their travels. Inspiring:

http://jackaldridgephotography.weebly.com/blog.html

Parallels

  Why do we always find ourselves in the same positions? What is it in us that seeks out the same people, the same core relationships. Why? What do we think we'll find? I think the most disparaging situation is where you believe you've been much better off and then you realise that actually it's exactly the same as you've experienced before.

  There is something in our beings which seems to look for the same type of person, friendship, relationships, whatever form they come in. We go for the same things. I'm not talking about brown hair and abs, I'm talking about personality, or perhaps it's attitude. Sometimes there is a type of person that looks for people to take authority over them, because they can't handle it. Or people who look for shy people and hope to progress them, projects. Why do we look for certain things in a person?

  My brother said recently, that there are two reasons people can have relationships. Either they have been through a lot together, and are tied together by past but have no common interests, a fascinating one. How is that you can experience the same things and all learn from it differently? Become different people? How strange. It just goes to show, even if someone went through exactly what you went through they might take a great deal different to how you have. It's a nice sense of individuality I think. The second reason, is common interests. A straight forward one.

  I like to evaluate. What do I look for in people? I know really. I want what I can't have, and I am impressed by people in their attitude, which is generally people who give off an air of 'Yeah fucking whatever' two fingers up to the world. Because I admire it and I hope they can teach me to feel it. But actually those people are normally scarred and once you get to know them and go past that point, they're totally vulnerable.

  Why do I want what I can't have? I'm still trying to figure that one out.

  But back to my thoughts on parallel situations, how can we stop ourselves getting to that position? What are the warning signs? I'm a strong believer in following your gut instinct. Every single 'uh oh' moment you have should be given great thought. We should be aware of everything. I'm not saying evaluate, I'm saying be intuitive, observe, learn. A strong believer but often not a practitioner. It's a hard habit to learn, I am trying. But it's surprising how often you suppress such feelings and excuse the person, without realising. Gut instinct from now on Pops. That's my top tip today, something we should all learn.

James Bradwell

Not enough time is taken out of my day to appreciate James Bradwell. We've met many people through our journey in Sixth Form, but some we hold special sentimental attachment to. James has served as a sort of father to me throughout my time these past two years, (James Kelly likes to think that's his role but he's more of an annoying younger brother), and I have huge respect for him. From tissues on desks - mentioned many times - to being protective of me when involving other guys, I've had a lot of emotional moments just feeling overwhelmed by how wonderfully sensitive, giving and caring he is. There aren't enough role models in the world like James; he accepts the faults I have when he has none himself and that astounds me. What a top bloke, I hope to remain in contact with him.

This is an excellent read of his:
http://godlyarse.blogspot.co.uk/

Looking for a white summer dress?

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Evie's 18th

  Well what a splendid day I've had. Evie's parents kindly offered 50 quid per head for 8 people at Evie's birthday meal (a target I did my hardest to meet) and so a few of us went to Prezzos. And what a meal it was. Starting with chicken wings, I ordered the VIPizza Funghi - which means supposedly very large. As I ordered it the woman looked at me and said "Really? It's pretty big..." and I narrowed my eyes in thought and said to her "I accept your challenge." Leo and Evie said they'd pay me 5 quid each if I could finish all three courses.

  I finished my 'large' pizza (though in truth it was more a different shape than much larger) before a few of the others finished their normal sized main and then asked for the chocolate fudge cake, which I admit was a risk. Chocolate fudge cake can often be rich and hard to finish at the emptiness of stomachs. But I thought, let's challenge myself here. So order it I did. By the time it got to 3 mouthfuls before success, every taste of the chocolate cake made me retch and feel like I was about to throw up. People moved away from me. It was nice. But I drank water straight from the jug, (which included drinking a fly by accident, but hey it's all protein), and finished the cake. I am now owed a tenner. Hoorah!

  The sugar kicked in which put me in a rather silly mood. I went to Spoons then with everyone and Evie and Cassie proceeded to get incredibly drunk as Cassie 'tutored' Evie through jaegar shots and glittery shots or something or other. They were smashed. They then moved me and Harry to the Slug and Lettuce, where a bunch of foreign guys walked past Evie saying things like 'Hello boobies' and 'very nice' to which I shouted back 'You wish!' (Which then proved awkward when I walked back past them later, alone. Not a good move on my part). 

Here is a photo of Evie at the Slug and Lettuce - which was a lovely pub actually.

  So there we go. Happy birthday to my best friend Miss Formhalls, who now has her very own Poppy Evans mug and penis glow stick (I am a good friend). Today was the first day I really resented being 18. Really really. Note to self - never get pregnant in February. Who would have sex in february anyway? It's cold. Silly parents.