Update on the phone situation, got a new one, which looks like this:

That's actually me, on the phone to the police, whilst showing you my new phone! It's really cool. The game is amazing. You have to shoot coloured balls at these other coloured balls... and, it makes a noise when you do ANYTHING. Unlock, lock, exit something, open something, send something successfully. It's SO annoying. But it's quite cool to have a retro phone.

Also, I made a cake the other day which was really cool. I can't upload the photos of it because, well, my phone got stolen. (LOL). But this gives you the gist of how good it was:

Mmmmm....

Read this, he's getting funnier.
http://marksteenagelifestories.blogspot.co.uk/

So... I have a shocking story to tell you all, and one that I'm actually hugely upset about. My phone was stolen from me today, it was a hugely traumatic incident. I was sat in the park behind sainsburys with Ollie, literally recording him proposing to me (I insisted that if he wanted to be my official back up plan for when we're 40 and unmarried, that he should). These two girls come over and ask what network I'm on, because I obviously had my phone out. I said Orange, and she asked if she could swap my sim for hers so she could call her mum. 

I knew what was going to happen, but was too nervous to think about how to say no, so stupidly I gave it to her. She chatted to me while she swapped the sim card and then she waited for it to load up, and then this guy came over as well, as if I wasn't intimidated enough. The guy and her friend walked off to chat to some others, and the girl packed up her stuff, and I said 'Can I have my phone back?' and she and her two friends ran.

I've literally never been so upset, there I was stood holding what has turned out to be the thing my life revolves around, and then it was gone. And I was thinking about all the photos, videos I have on there that I will probably never see again. Including ever single photo of my holiday to Italy, which I will never see again. I cried earlier. It's also the thought that someone can do something like that and not feel guilty.

It was the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I've never felt so embarrassed in my entire life. I felt pathetic. I rang the police but I doubt they'll find her, and I now am grateful dad went for insurance. At least I have my sim card, so I can go to get a new phone. 

It was just the perfect end to a perfect day.

THIS MAKES ME SAD

I MISS IT SO BADLY. I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN ALARM. I MAY NOT BE ON TIME FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW. :(

Goodnight, I'm heartbroken and depressed.

I was thinking about the horrific head injury at work the other day, and I decided it was important enough to describe.

So basically, I had a whole bunch of women looking round the store, when we heard the iron sign scraping along the concrete, and people outside gasping. Everyone in the shop ran out and everyone was going 'OH MY GOD!' and so I leaned out the shop and ran to get my manager to bring down a first aid set.

I saw this guy being helped up off the floor, blood on his shirt and on the floor, and he was looking really dazed while people mopped up his head. Rachel comes down the stairs and looks out the window, then says we need an ambulance. By now someone who's first aid trained was putting pressure on the wound on his head, and he had been sat in a chair from costa, and he was laughing with people.

Then the ambulance came and he drove him away. It was pretty traumatic.

On a lighter note, I heard Ollie sneeze for the first time today, I thought I was going to die laughing. Never heard him do that before, and it was the weirdest noise I've ever heard. Even thinking about it is making me laugh right now.

I had a ketchup fight with him the other day, which was basically me just throwing it in his face. He tried to get me back with the sweet and sour on my jacket, but flicked it all back on himself. It was so funny, I got it all over his bag and suit. And he was going up to Leeds for a weekend with his mum that day:

Another hilarious thing, I went to the gym! It was quite entertaining, I think we annoyed the man who gave us our induction because he was trying to show us stuff and we were pissing ourselves laughing. Especially when he asked Evie to demonstrate this machine, she sat down and he said 'You're facing the wrong way' and then she turned round, put her feet on something and it made a very loud clink noise, at which he just said 'Get up I'll show you.' Then Izzy had to go on something which parted her legs really wide to tone her thighs, and she was wearing a skirt. Very amusing.

He also caught me grabbing Izzy's bum to put her off, and looked very embarrassed. And then when he took our blood pressure Izzy was screaming 'OOOWWW IT HURTS' really, REALLY loudly. Anyway, I did like an hour in the gym like a big red tomato, then sat in the jacuzzi for another hour afterwards. That was the best bit.

Check out Mark's blog again, there's a very amusing photo of him.
http://marksteenagelifestories.blogspot.co.uk/

Also, Kate's blog is very inspirational- brave gal!
http://kateandpancreatitis.blogspot.co.uk/

P.s. check out Mark Edwards' blog, he's such a pro.

http://marksteenagelifestories.blogspot.co.uk/

I have a lot to update on, so I'm actually not going to bother and just talk about something completely random instead.

I was thinking about 'love' and I'm really confused, I don't know if it works or not. I mean, I watched this film this evening about first love and how its fragility is equal to its excitement and passion, and I watched it sort of phase out throughout the film, and I thought actually, what's the point. There was this one point where she said to him 'It doesn't feel like this is going to go away, and I think we need to be together' but then it got to the point where she sort of got over him, which was awkward because they were married. And then it was never the same.

One thing I appreciated, was the awkward silences and sort of non satisfying conversation they had on their first date, it was quite realistic I thought. And that gave me a bit of hope, that even if a first date is awkward, you can pull it back from that. I was wondering as well, whether it's more worthwhile to go for a constant standard comfortable love, or one that is really bipolar, amazing or shit. I reckon really crazy love is sort of like soul mates, the highs are worth the lows because basically you are so in love with that person you cope because it's mad. Then standard love, which most people have because they can't deal with having crazy love, (if they've been lucky enough to find it), and is that worth it? You're happy, but you're always thinking... hmmm what if I didn't do this, what if I had a proper love? I don't know. It boggles me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GEORGINA. <3

Today was actually okay. I came out of school thinking it was a bad day, and Emma somehow sort of flipped that into mild confusion from my part and now I'm happy as larry. I am however, not very happy with my genetics. You'd think, having had an indian woman in my mother's side of the family, I'd be able to tan well and deal with temperatures quite well, they weren't that distant. Mum gets a glimmer of sun and it's like BOOM. Olive brown. I hate it, dad goes pink and now I just go halfway. I never tan. But my real problem is adapting to temperatures. I think I have bad circulation, because I went swimming in the sea last summer, and my body went red and swelled up for a bit. That was fun.

Anyway, then today, I was out in the sun for around half an hour, and by the time I got home I was shaking and feeling really sick. I literally thought I was going to throw up in the shower, so I had to sit still in front of the telly all night and miss my first choir session back, which I was actually quite sad about. We always have a good laff.

The best/most hilarious thing today, was when I was walking home with Emma, and I stopped to lean over the bridge wall, (just looking down at the water, not in a woooah-is-she-gonna-jump?! kinda way. (just f.y.i.)), and I had just been stressing about UCAS and personal statements blah blah blah and I was bent over the bridge while Emma stood watching me. Let's also remember I was wearing a tight fighting maxi dress today, so bottom was out. And I said 'I'm tired in my head, I'm tired physically, I'm tired emotionally...' and just as I finished this car drove by and honked and I yelled 'FUCK OFF!' and they shouted back 'I WOULD!' I thought Emma was going to die laughing.

But then Emma was being all philosophical and she said about the glass half full thing. She also said 'All you need to do is top the glass up with vodka' which I thought was nice. But yeah, so I started thinking about all the good things that happened to me today. Like drama, oh my god we're geniuses. You know when you do nothing all lesson, and then have to show it? We were given the task 'Essence of something...' It went from being the essence of sexism, to the essence of a salad, so things weren't going well. Eventually, I said why didn't we do a dream, we get everyone to lie down with their eyes shut and we'll make weird noises around them and play eerie music.

Miss Shingles loved this. I went round the room sprinkling water on people, and giggling while the others played piano, stamped by their heads and sang creepy fairytales. It was so funny, and the easiest way to Shingle's heart I've ever known.

And other perks to my day were that I realised I'd spent all my money, then dad gave me 70 quid that he owed me (larmer tree here I come...) I got in touch with Izzy Humbey again *yay* and I got to eat cake. And I'm actually feeling happier and happier as ideas come to me. Plus, I've written a first draft of my personal statement, spontaneously, and I feel so good for it. It's so weird when you actually do work ahead of the deadline. What's wrong withe me?!

Now enjoy my gallery to update you all on my life:

Tonight, I ate Ben and Jerrys.

Had this as a snack too. (My children are going to be fat).

Ollie looking pretty.

Today in PSD. Made up some chinese. Doesn't mean anything. The last symbol is jut a funky pie symbol.

Ha, also did this. That was funny.

Decorated Cassie's arm for solstice (although the top one went wrong and Laura did a much better sharpie coverage afterwards, so I hope that survives the rain tonight).

Mummy cuddling Chloe because she was poorly. (Georgina was sat on the sofa at this point, mum kinda strolled in holding a chicken, like you do).

Chloe falling asleep at the vets looking very suspicious.

I may edit a funny video of Georgina and me with stretched faces tomorrow, if you're lucky. (And if she doesn't see this and command me not to).

Firstly, I would like to apologise for the strange formatting, for some reason my computer has put everything on my blogs to arial (apart from this courier). I don't know whether it's just mine, and to you the formatting is fine but it's annoying me. And basically, none of the font names are previewed in the actual font, so I can't find the old one the title was, and I'm not prepared to google them all to find them.

I'll try and fix it at some point, but yeah. Nuff said.

Anyways, I'm pretty tired so I'll make this a quick one. I've had a majorly stressful day. I'm already finding the stress of uni and personal statements etc really scary. I'm writing my personal statements tomorrow, and I have a list as long as my arm to tick off.

I hate making lists. I can never remember everything to write them on the bloody list in the first place, so what's the point? I make lists for holiday packing, and I still end up forgetting something hugely important. And how vague or detailed are you meant to be with lists? My lists always go like this for holidays:

1. Make up essentials -

• Concealer
• Foundation
• Eye liner
• Mascara
• Blusher/brown bronzer/light bronzer

2. Selected shoes (see them lined up against the wardrobe in the order I will be needing them) (cheeky poppy)

3. PHONE CHARGER AND IPOD CHARGER AAAAAH

(Here's where it starts to go wrong...)

4. Rain coat(s)

5. Washbag (get rid of 5 soaps, you don't need 6).

(And by this time I'm so bored I just write:)

6. Clothes.

Yeah, I really really hate lists.

I'll give you a final story before I go. This is kinda weird. When I was little, before we went on car journeys to go on holiday, my mum would always do that 'Have a final wee!' thing, you know how piss annoying that was right? I can tell that you're inwardly nodding. Anyway, just to get at her, (though this is the worst kind of revenge ever, I am an idiot), I would FAKE going to the loo. So I would go into the toilet, bang the loo lid up, turn on the tap to sound like wee a bit, tear off some roll, and flush the loo, then make my hands wet to be believable. And I would do that regardless of whether I actually needed the loo or not. Honestly. I'm such an idiot.

I don't really know what to talk about for this post. I've had a dull weekend of working and nothing else. I'm sort of frustrated I've not been able to go out more. Having spent so much time with mum lately, (dad's been away), it is hard only talking to someone who's 50 when you're 16. She doesn't remember that impulsive feeling. Earlier, mum asked what I wanted to do and I said I just felt like getting on a train and going and doing something crazy. Her answer was this: 'You've got Manchester next Saturday' as in, my open day, for a university. Not quite the same as getting away TONIGHT to go and get some fresh air, something exciting. In the car beforehand as well, I said 'we should go driving one day' and she said 'well... we will?' and I said 'No, not to get anywhere, just to go driving.' and she just looked at me like I was mad.

I guess it's just because I feel a bit confused at the minute, I don't have a direction. I've decided to leave the play till I'm older, it needs to be written by an adult looking back on teenage life, not a teenager. I'm not yet focused on a single audience, which makes it hard. It doesn't work for teenagers, because, and I quote James Kelly 'It's shit.' And it doesn't work for adults because my parents didn't get it. I don't really get it yet either, and it is shit but I've got a style and I'm developing that.

So now I've been reading plays either that Barney's sent me, or I've bought. I bought one called 'Ecstasy' which is pretty funny. I think I want to just put on an already written one. I'd love to do the Aliens, but it's an all male cast and I don't know if I'm cut out for directing. My plan? My plan is to chill the fug out and keep breathing, because that way I won't die. My philosophy is priceless.

As a tip for people, I've found a way of waking yourself up and getting rid of that sort of sad feeling you can get in the evenings when it gets dark. For anyone like me, who's extremely affected by light or dark, the sun makes me happy, night makes me really low, even if I'm around people, then this helps. You plug into your iPod or computer, (as in, with earphones), and you turn up the volume really loud, then start a song. It shoots right through you, but it wipes out any feeling in you. Don't do it when you're grumpy though, you'll just get really mad and throw stuff... yeah don't do it.

If you're bored, go onto amazon and type 'Brainbox Candy' it's this hilarious brand of cards, I could read them all day:

(these are my favourites)

I get really vivid flashbacks listening to this song, I love how music can unlock stuff you forgot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSeNSzJ2-Jw

I've probably blogged before like this 'What's the aim of my blog? *rhetorical question* *rhetorical question* *depressing observation* *photo of dog*' but, I was thinking today about it, because people read it. I don't know why, I don't know what they get out of it. Sometimes I'm boring, I get that not many people are interested in reading reviews of plays and hearing how my day was. Or even listening to my wonderfully shite taste in music. And I expect I repeat myself a lot.

And I expect I repeat myself. A lot.

Aha, that was just a joke.

Anyway, why do I blog? Sometimes, it's to express how low I might feel, either so people understand where I am, or to make people think 'Phewey, it ain't just me' sometimes I write about really random stuff to cheer people up or make people laugh. And sometimes I just want to make people feel a bit better, a bit more okay with whatever worries them.

This really calms me down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yh-6SX484ZM

My dad tours a lot, so I've downloaded the version of one of the choirs he sings with, whenever he's away I play it, and I can here his voice. He has this beautiful deep tone, makes me feel all comfortable. And his voice sounds exactly the same as when he was 20. It's so cool. You know, when mum was pregnant with me, and she went to see dad sing a solo in a concert, and whenever he sang I started kicking, how weird is that?

I don't even know what to talk about tonight.

Except this, that we only live once. And in my experience, annoyingly, the mistakes we make actually benefit us eventually, which they shouldn't do. But that generally happens, and to quote M.I.A.

Live fast die young, bad girls do it well.

Listen to this, clench your teeth, narrow your eyes, fist your hands, and feel that feeling in the pit of your stomach, like excitement, strength, growing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uYs0gJD-LE

I made a decision. I took out my nose stud, it wasn't really very me, kept catching it and stuff. And then I had this phone conversation with my dad, and straight after I went into the bathroom, and I dropped it down the sink. It felt really satisfying.

Other than that decision, it's actually been quite a hectic couple of days for one reason or another. I finally saw Georgina! Went for our usual at Wagas which was nice, then she came back to mine and watched this film I rented that we said we'd see together ages ago. (The Vow). It was sad.

Yesterday I watched Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close, which is all about this boy who's dad died in 9/11 and he finds a key in his dad's old closet, so he tries to hunt down what it opens. It's incredibly heart breaking and I cried hysterically throughout. I still don't understand why anyone would murder so many people. My opinion is, and it's bold, is that religion isn't that important. We all walk around using it as a way to get insulted and to insult others. And whatever religion those wankers in the 9/11 flights were trying to force upon people, it doesn't change a thing.

Let me put it into context for you, if someone went around and said 'I believe that the fairies rule the world and we are all puppets on strings, which the queen of the fairies pulls us on, and when we died, we become fairies and puppet our relatives.' You might laugh at them, or inwardly laugh at them. And you'd walk away going 'they're fucking weird.' So why is it any different if someone, for instance comes up to you and says 'I believe that if I kill many people to raise awareness of my religion, I shall win virgins in my afterlife.' You'd still think they were crazy, but how do they not see the weirdness in that?

It upsets me so much to think we've used religion, not as a holy thing to give hope and a way of life, or purpose, but to kill, and fight wars, and end millions of innocent people's lives. I don't understand how someone can be told that idea and think 'that makes valid and logical sense.' I think there are few religions, if any, which are totally used in the right way. Don't get me wrong, those who are devout and keep themselves to themselves I think are amazing. They're actually using an idea of hope to give themselves a purpose. That's enviable. But I hate anyone who tries to thrust religion on others.

I don't like it when buddhists try to get me reading some 'Korango' palaver, I don't like preechers, I don't like door to door religious people or people who try to drag people into places of worship. I think, religion should be something you have specifically for yourself, and you should keep it to yourself. By all means, if your religion leads you to think you need to bring peace, promote that, but it's this belief that having religion makes you a better person. It doesn't. It is a choice you have made to follow a faith, and you are either nice or not. The men who drove the planes into the World Trade Centre were not very nice Muslims, but I know plenty of absolutely lovely members of Islam, so how dare they say it was their faith that made them do that.

If you really followed your faith, and I think all faiths are about living life in a peaceful and free way, even if dated slightly sexistly or something, and I don't think you can say you honestly follow that faith if you want blood on your hands.

None of the families of victims of 9/11 probably sat down at the dinner table that night and said 'I think clearly, our problem is we aren't Islamic.' Point was not made. I bet it didn't even cross their minds.

I am completely shattered. Last night I was talking to someone about my bloody play for a while, and then facebook messed up so we decided to phone each other to talk about it. We started talking at 2:20, and went to bed at what time?

5. 20. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I was dead today. I had to wake up at 6:30 to leave for Holloway at half 7. I slept in, as did mum, so we ran manically around the room and then finally left. I fell asleep for the first lecture, but Evie said it was very boring anyway.

Anyway, Holloway was offering a drama and creative writing course, which was my favourite of all the courses I've possibly looked at so far, but sadly I just didn't get the feeling from Holloway, which is a shame. It's beautiful, the drama venue is amazingly lovely, (despite the flooded toilets and lightbulbs flickering). And I could really see myself in the course, but apparently the creative writing duo course means you do the shit half of the drama course, which is a shame.

So that was drama. Media studies looks amazing, but I wouldn't be able to work so full time without being able to earn money and have a social life. But I would like to look at how stuff works in the arts more, just not for my degree. Evie and I were almost pissing ourselves laughing at how boring the film studies lecture was. I just mouthed 'I'm sorry' at her, and she disappeared into her lap for 10 minutes.

I'm now more excited about Manchester, I think I might get a kick out of the city and I'm going to look around with Joz, which will definitely be less stressful (mum had the job of taking care of Spud all day. Enough said).

At home though, it did lead to mum telling me how worried she is about me, but the only thing wrong with me is I'm not certain about where I'm going, and I'm too shy/lacking in confidence to show her how much I actually care about acting. Every time we talk about it I'm built up to tears just thinking about it, (I'm a complete girl), and I just need to let myself become that person now. Gain confidence and go for it. I feel like I'm on the edge of something though, very happy.

So actually, I feel amazing right now. It's really nice to feel completely open and like you've sort of lifted a weight off your shoulders. I don't even know why I feel like that, but I do. It's strange. I like it.

This song is amazing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dyMdTd6dNA

Well, I'm back at school. It's actually been a pretty good day. I admit, walking back through the gates for some reason I was petrified. And barely any people bothered to turn up which was weird. Anyway, first lesson was really chilled out, we just talked about exams and then watched the odyssey. It was an awful version of it. I can't stand it when things don't match up with the books. Then after that it was drama, which was okay. We talked about plays again. And I mentioned that I'd written about a play I went to see a few years ago in the exam, and she said 'I hoped you changed the date then, you're meant to have seen them in the course!' fuck. I may be fucked for drama then, hoorah.

Before stage James played me all the drunk messages I've left him and they were very embarrassing. I should not be allowed a phone when I'm drunk. Just been having a bit of text banter with Jessie's mum, which is weird. I've been bumped up from 2 'x's to 4 though! Waheeey! And I had a message from Georgina! I miss her sooooo much. Although, today the man called her name in the register and I said 'She's in Greece.' and the man said 'In Greece?!' and I think I may have landed her in it there... oops. Oh well, she could always say it was the week before and I was confused. LLLLLLLLOOOOOOLLLLLLLL.

Stage was actually really good, we had a drama uni lecturer there and he was really nice and he got us all, (when I say all I mean 8 of us), to actually focus, and I liked the stuff we did. I feel like I'm edging my confidence in acting all the time and it's starting to make me feel better. I wish I could be at the point where I just put myself out there.

But on a sad note, one of my chickens died last night, dad found it this morning and mum came into my room crying. It was her one as well, called Floppy, and she was the lowest one in the pecking order but she was so funny. She'd run at the house to try and get in the door, and she was always pissing off Chloe and Colonel. I will miss her dearly.

Tonight, I'm going to discuss Rihanna, because, the time has come.

I used to hate her, because she represented everything I tried so hard to distinguish myself from: a 'hot' girl flicking her hair, shaking her hips and doing it all so well. She produced music that was popular - which I hated, she was an icon of people I didn't want to be like, (mainstream girls, no one I didn't like personality wise), and she had and still has this attitude of 'I don't give a shit' which I have been trying to achieve since I was 6 years old and stropping round the playground with fake tears in my eyes, flashing the boys to try and make them fancy me.

To be honest, I had this picture in my head of how I wanted my childhood to be, and it was totally different. I had this image in my head of being one of those pretty girly girls who the boys liked and everyone wanted to be friends with. Those girls were Charley, Ellie, Georgie, Izzy and Shiffa. Okay, Shiffa I resented the most for being popular by being herself. She's still like that, you heard the cheer she got when she stood in front of our school. Anyway. I wanted to be like them, they always got the boyfriends and the pretty hair styles.

And my actual childhood? I spent my childhood peeing myself because I couldn't be bothered to go to the loo, playing football like a boy and being called fartalot. (Enough people know that nickname for me to make it public now). And let's not forget running for my god damn life from the only boys who would chase me in kiss chase. So, up came this barrier of being witty and sarcastic. I sincerely apologise to anyone who went to St. Osmunds with me. I was not fun. But cheers for people who gave me any time at all. The best times were being sat behind the bench that Daniel used to sit on to eat his shoes, waving our 'Thrilling Three' club flags. We had passports and everything.

Anyway, back to how Rihanna relates to this. For a start, my parents are classical musicians, so I never had that natural hatred for classical music that people my age did. Outside of that, I've grown up with Rock from my dad, Mud - Tigerfeet to be specific, drifty french jazz singers from mum, Red Hot Chilli Peppers from Barney and the classically horrendous Prog Rock from Joz. From which I've evolved into Lykke Li and Tom Vek. I have no sense of good taste in music, and I hold my hands up to that. I like good repetitive tunes, that go round and round for 3 minutes solid. I think Jessie's salvaged a little bit of style into my repertoire.

Rihanna was around when I was little, when I was trying so hard to be different, and so I didn't admit to liking her. Recently, I admitted I like her songs and not her, and finally that I liked her. She's got the perfect attitude. And now, I admit that I have a little essence of normality in my music taste. I have Rihanna, Tinie Tempah and Jason Mraz on my iPod. Mainstream and proud.

This song has been on repeat for 2 solid days now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3HeLs8Yosw

To brighten your day, here is a photo of my dog having a meal with us:

I'M SO SORRY HAVE YOU MISSED ME????

Okay, so I've been away for a couple of days with shifts at work and concentrating on getting stuff organised. And I've actually pushed my body clock to be slightly better, went to sleep last night at 11! I've also been really sort of getting inspiration over the past few days from stuff, you know you go through phases where you're able to soak in everything and think well and come up with new ideas. I've come up with an idea for a new play, where this guy is getting over his girlfriends death, (my plays are a bit dark, I apologise), and you see his sister coming to see him everyday checking up on him, she's really frustrated he won't get over it properly and when he's alone, he sees his girlfriend again.

There's this one brilliant scene I've written, where he's talking to her, and she asks if she can have some scotch, and when he hands her the glass, it falls through her hand and smashes, and the two of them just kind of stare at each other. If nothing else that would be fun to do on stage.

Then I had this other good idea, set at university, a bunch of people living together, and they get caught up in some kind of crime which is really wrong for them, and it all goes horrible wrong. That's going to be a comedy. I don't have any proper structure lined up for that one yet, so I'm cracking on with this sad one now.

As for me? I'm feeling good! My cold is clearing, none of my nose studs have gone anywhere annoying, and I feel really happy. There's a couple of things I need to sort, open days and stuff, but I feel okay. I still have that feeling something is coming, maybe it's already started. I don't know, I'm excited. Something is happening. And I cannot stop listening to this, I love the build up bits:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOKuAigsrec&feature=relmfu

So, the second nose stud was swallowed by my dog, the third fell out in some flowers, which I then pick through in the compost. I am tempted to go look through it again... but then mum gave me something to keep it open...

It had a parrot hanging off it initially, I cut it off. I hate having my nose pierced. Fucking hell.

I am so depressed. My nose thingie just went down the sink, so I have to go early to buy a new one tomorrow morning, but I had to force the huge one back through and it fucking hurt and I got so cross. I was so close to just ringing someone to have a go at them. I'm a real charmer.

I had such a shite night the other night, for reasons I won't bore you with, but it really put a downer on things. And then mum the other day said how my clothing is going through an altering process, and I think I mentioned that before, anyway, she just got back from Bruges with the loveliest clothing for me, so I am very happy. I will post photos in shallow magpies tomorrow, I'm shifting my style again. You can't beat classy.

Had a really lovely time with Georgina yesterday, unfortunately it rained too much to go swimming. But it was so nice to spend time with her family. She was getting so stressed out about Zantes, it was hilarious. And she says she's going to ring me at 4am tomorrow morning to annoy me.

I wish my family was normal.

Watch this, it's hilarious:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbrI5zO-0VY&feature=share

This song breaks my heart:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa_1hVJHccU

I realise I haven't blogged about New York much, well barely at all. But for some reason, I can't really remember any of it now. I remember there was one point where I thought 'This is definitely something I should mention' and it was kind of deep and moving, (like all of this is obviously *cough*), but it's completely gone.

I guess one thing I can talk about america is the people. You have two types of people we encountered on our trip there, filthy grumpy or completely over the moon 24/7. The first, you would find in any branch of Starbucks, (what a surprise), the second working in shops and bored shitless, or just generally being around. And there was a hilarious woman, who drove past us on a corner of 9th avenue, and she had her window wide open, she was a large black woman, dressed to the nines. She drove round singing at the top of her voice out of the window 'Pleaaaaaase let me through here!' in a huge stage timbre.

There were so many people like that, you'd see them and think I will remember you for the rest of my life. Of course I haven't, but that's the way it goes. I'm constantly frustrated at forgetting stuff like that, it scares me a bit. It's like when you hear a song and you fall in love with it, but you forget to write it down and then you have no way of finding it again. That kills. And then it got me thinking, what if I one day walk past someone who is meant to be really important to me, and I forget them? Sometimes you see people, and there's this thing, you instantly connect. Whether it's someone you would probably be amazingly good friends with, or someone maybe you'd be good with, there's a moment. And then they're gone, and you'll never see them again because you didn't seize the moment.

I always thought when I was younger that I'd have this ability to stop things like that happening, like I would go out there and get what I wanted and make myself and as many others happy as possible, but I don't seem to have that yet. I'm scared I won't find it in me before I need it to start my life, and then it'll be wasted.

Also, I've come a long way from where I started morally. The first job I can remember wanting to do, was taking shopping trolleys full of food to starving people in Africa, I promised myself I would. I thought I could take roast chicken and stupid stuff like that, of course I couldn't. But now that's gone and I want to go into acting? How shallow is that? I also had this strange thought earlier where I suddenly wanted to go into business, but that's such a crap world to be in, no one is nice. No one has your back. I don't think I'm sort of the type to be able to take being with people who aren't nice. I think it affects me quite a lot, I always take too much of what people say to heart.

I'm scared.

Sadly like this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFMz1AdMr1c

And Jessie, you know I get that thing sometimes when I know something is coming, and it always results in the same thing?

Well, I can feel something coming. About fucking time.