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 Happy Christmas!

It's so rainy here it feels more like early autumn that the night before Christmas. I was thinking recently, (actually when I was ice skating in Reading), remembering how intense it used to feel when you were slightly younger and falling for someone. If they didn't want you, it felt like your heart was being suffocated. I remember the intensity. It made me realise that nothing has made me feel that way in a long time.

It makes me ask questions. Questions about what I want to be doing. I'd sell my soul to easily walk away from my degree and go far away. Not for any reason other than to see everything and learn. To work for my day to day life, to meet extraordinary people once more. To meet myself maybe, I know that whole 'finding yourself' sounds corny, but I have no clue where I want to go and I have come to realise recently that I don't really like myself. I don't think I am kind, or generous or extraordinary. I am in fact - extra-ordinary.

If I come across that way, I think it is because acting kindly makes me feel less guilty about who I really am. I should go and meet people who make me feel less cocky and self-centred. I want to learn to live without that guilt about who and what I am. Who I am underneath everyone's perception of me. Then I can look my few close friends in the eye and not feel like I ought to be apologising to them.

I'm not sad about these thoughts, because I believe they are a necessary beginning of any journey. Whether that be me taking some time or continuing this path with a new attitude. I am unclear, but I am feeling positive.

Honesty.

Wales!

One exam, one night out and a 3 hour car journey later, I am in Wales again. It's been extra special by the fact that my dog has been to the groomers, and he smells like talcum powder it's so good. I'm in my lush bed with a hot water bottle having eaten the best eggs for dinner.

Also have my staff party tomorrow night - SO excited to see everyone and have some drinks! Just ecstatic to be back so far. I feel like this Christmas is going to have a lot of good things in store. It's a perfect time for a fresh start, and keeping up the new attitude I have about everything. Next term is so much quieter work wise, which is perfect. None of this is particularly interesting, but it's out there anyway.

Ooh! Actually I do have a funny story, my flatmate left his phone on bluetooth connected to a speaker in the kitchen, and porn started playing out of it. It was so funny, he didn't realise for ages.

Good Places

On another note, I just surprised myself by starting the first drawing in about 4 years. No wait... how old am I? 3 years. I've really forgotten how to do it, it's sort of comical, but I'm glad to see that my patience for it is still there.

Trying to juggle the exam revision, prep for tomorrow, exercise and eat what's left in my fridge so we can switch it off and clean it before I leave. It's all very stressful. AND in a bizarre turn of events, I saved money today. Like this: I got paid, and I transferred some of it into a savings account. I KNOW. Just before Christmas and everything! I don't know what's got into me. Probably a bloody good idea.

Bought another Christmas present today and feeling hugely successful. It's one of the sad parts of being a student, I feel like Christmas is happening somewhere else because we can't watch proper tv adverts, and the house is not decorated because we all leave this weekend. It's really going to hit me when I get home and the house is freezing and there's mistletoe everywhere.

Like a dream come true.

Meanwhile, Milly's mum forgot to pick up their passports at the gate in Heathrow, so she is currently stranded in Dubai waiting for their passports to be flown over so they can get through immigration. Honestly, I despair. So so so funny.

One Exam, One Group Presentation and One Test.

So today was my first exam, it went terribly but apparently everyone else's did too so hopefully it'll be alright... ignorance is bliss.

Now I have one test to complete, a group presentation tomorrow and finally an exam on Friday night to go! I'll be in that car driving home before I know it. Cannot WAIT to see my mum, my dogs, the decorations in the house, the fires, the music. Gives me shivers thinking about it!!!

I feel like Wales has turned me into a country girl. Words can't describe how at home I feel there, and how much I love the community and the people. Coming from where I was before, it's just nice that everyone looks out for each other. Salisbury was great, but it was too big to feel as homely. I'm a very lucky girl.

Just got to plod on with my work now!!!

8 days to go

 This last week has gone impressively quickly! One week to go, this time next week I hope I am already lasagned with my course mates. Did I mention I was grateful for them?

 And then Waaaaaaales yaaaaaay. Words can't describe how excited I am. Can't wait to get back to the cafe... drop some more cups, spill some more stuff and generally bodge up everything. This is going to be the best Christmas yet.

Plus to top all that off, mum's been to the doctors and everything with her heart is looking really good, medication is doing what it should and her lifestyle changes are making huge progress. Which calls for bubbles and mulled wine as soon as I am home. Can't wait to get my tacky faux fur coat back on and walk along streets with fairy lights arm in arm with mum, while she talks at me about plants and christmas food and keeps pointing out different things in shops.

I swear I'll blink this week and it'll be gone again.

May even crack out the jumper soon...

Grateful

Tonight I'm grateful for:
1. Books you can't put down
2. Course friends
3. Lady C's medical problems