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 Happy Christmas!

It's so rainy here it feels more like early autumn that the night before Christmas. I was thinking recently, (actually when I was ice skating in Reading), remembering how intense it used to feel when you were slightly younger and falling for someone. If they didn't want you, it felt like your heart was being suffocated. I remember the intensity. It made me realise that nothing has made me feel that way in a long time.

It makes me ask questions. Questions about what I want to be doing. I'd sell my soul to easily walk away from my degree and go far away. Not for any reason other than to see everything and learn. To work for my day to day life, to meet extraordinary people once more. To meet myself maybe, I know that whole 'finding yourself' sounds corny, but I have no clue where I want to go and I have come to realise recently that I don't really like myself. I don't think I am kind, or generous or extraordinary. I am in fact - extra-ordinary.

If I come across that way, I think it is because acting kindly makes me feel less guilty about who I really am. I should go and meet people who make me feel less cocky and self-centred. I want to learn to live without that guilt about who and what I am. Who I am underneath everyone's perception of me. Then I can look my few close friends in the eye and not feel like I ought to be apologising to them.

I'm not sad about these thoughts, because I believe they are a necessary beginning of any journey. Whether that be me taking some time or continuing this path with a new attitude. I am unclear, but I am feeling positive.

Honesty.