Happy first of December, I bought the first Christmas present the other day. I'm not sure they'll like it to be honest but there we go... can only improve.
Today I'm appreciating:
1. Messages from far away friends of the past
2. My English coursemates
3. Surprise parcels from those who worry and love me
Monday 30 November 2015
Friday 27 November 2015
14 Days and Counting
After a little bit of a panic and stress I'm finally getting to a calmer state about everything that's happening in my course. Out of that list of projects I have at the moment:
- 2 exams
- 1 assignment
- 2 group projects
- 3 online tests
- 1 statistics test
Add to that the extra strain of changing housemates and all the paperwork that goes with it. Whilst I'm very fond of the boys I live with, the majority of them leave everything to myself and Milly to sort. Let's just say I have a lot more sympathy for my mum dealing with her teenage sons now...
BUT I have been exercising regularly, I've lost weight and am already feeling the benefits AND by Tuesday I will have knocked two projects off that list! In 14 days time I will be packing up my jumpers and my houseplants to drive home for Christmas.
I feel pretty positive right now. And my modules for next term are amazing so I'm in a better place, I've stopped drinking for a bit just to stop the whole becoming-a-psycho-girl thing and try to mend some relationships with people I was um... not great to. But it could be worse right!
Also, Justin Bieber is helping me through this time with his annoyingly good new album (if Joz or Barney are reading this, I'm sorry to let you down).
Monday 23 November 2015
Panic
I think the emotions I've had frequently recently are as close as I have ever come to panic. I wake up every day around 6am and feel like someone is holding my chest really tight. I've often been waking up holding my cushion really really tight too, which is weird. I take ages to get to sleep because I feel so stressed about everything, and then I wake early and panic and in between I've been having horrendous nightmares.
It's really not a great feeling, I'm normally such a relaxed person. I'm starting to seriously worried about what my head is doing. It seems like a lot of the patterns I'm used to are being rearranged and flipped in my head. I'm not acting the same way I normally do to a lot of things. A bit freaky.
In other news, I bought a bonsai tree. My second house plant now if you count the basil.
My reading thing! I was going to talk about my reading resolution for this year. I have been BATTLING with this book called the Establishment by Owen Jones. It's very VERY wordy and whenever I start to read a bit I get super sleepy very quickly. But I have been trying to get past it!!! I will leap onto other books as soon as I get through more of it! I'm going to write up a schedule tomorrow and finishing that bloody book is going to be a priority, though it is one of the most affluent versions of my personal opinions when it comes to politics it's not an easy read.
It's really not a great feeling, I'm normally such a relaxed person. I'm starting to seriously worried about what my head is doing. It seems like a lot of the patterns I'm used to are being rearranged and flipped in my head. I'm not acting the same way I normally do to a lot of things. A bit freaky.
In other news, I bought a bonsai tree. My second house plant now if you count the basil.
My reading thing! I was going to talk about my reading resolution for this year. I have been BATTLING with this book called the Establishment by Owen Jones. It's very VERY wordy and whenever I start to read a bit I get super sleepy very quickly. But I have been trying to get past it!!! I will leap onto other books as soon as I get through more of it! I'm going to write up a schedule tomorrow and finishing that bloody book is going to be a priority, though it is one of the most affluent versions of my personal opinions when it comes to politics it's not an easy read.
Sunday 22 November 2015
Mistakes
I guess I'm going through a bit of a hard time at the moment. Sometimes when you crack, people can be in the middle of their own mess and they don't need to deal with your stuff. I don't like to make a fuss really but I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. I mean really, I've been dreaming it. It's not anything scarring, nothing terrible is really happening to me. It's just feelings, and everything happens at once you know? I feel a bit like I've been doubly clobbered and my actions make everything worse lately. It's got me questioning who I am, I seem to always have love at the top of anything else I may be searching for. That means I end up falling for incompatible people and messing myself around - only to turn around and blame them. I'm only picking up on the patterns that keep repeating themselves. But the worst person I've ever gone for in terms of being an awkward situation has turned out to be the best, because he might be the only person who is really willing to listen to me - years later - and as am I for him. I'm lucky to have someone that valuable in my life no matter what happens. He might be thousands of miles away but he remains my rock since I was just a 17 year old girl. Though I am sorry for everyone I hurt in that process, but it's been the best thing for me.
The only reason I'm posting anything this personal is because I've stumbled trying to think of what to post on here. Also because my viewings are teeny now that I haven't been posting it anywhere online I don't feel it's too attention seeking to write something more emotional on here... it's really an online diary.
The only reason I'm posting anything this personal is because I've stumbled trying to think of what to post on here. Also because my viewings are teeny now that I haven't been posting it anywhere online I don't feel it's too attention seeking to write something more emotional on here... it's really an online diary.
Friday 20 November 2015
"Knuckle Down"
I've been going through a patch recently where I haven't really felt like myself. The workload I have for this term has been an absolute joke, with two exams before christmas both counting as 100% for two modules (obviously the most difficult ones), two group projects, tests and an assignment within three weeks of each other. By Christmas I'll have to remember that it leads to a peaceful second term with only two days a week of lectures!
It's been that with a combination of personal stuff, money worries and not adoring my coursework that has made me feel a little alienated at the moment. I've been taking it out on all the wrong people, friends, flatmates and my parents worrying about me at home (despite the addition of a brand new fluffy dressing gown which dad treated me to a couple of weeks ago). I even had my first ever moment of acting like my mum when she's stressed - that's a scary experience for anyone!
This week was particularly bad, after last Saturday's night out I had to take the liberty of sending THREE apology messages to people the next day who'd I'd unfairly harassed or been rude to... not impressive behaviour. Probably the most psycho I've ever been... I shan't go into details. So yesterday I took the opportunity after doing my work, having a bath and going for an early night to thank everyone important who's suffered from my little breakdowns.
Sometimes when you know you've got a shit day coming up and you're worrying about it, all you need to do is stop and take a step back from it. I realised last night that whatever the problem is, you probably won't even remember in a years time. Or maybe even a month's time. And if it goes horrifically worse than you'd expected? Is it really going to change where you find yourself in five years time? Probably not.
So it is time to let go of all the worries and actually knuckle down with work. My sleeping has been a nightmare for weeks (literally after an array of horrifying bad dreams) so I've been sleeping earlier, reading more and eating a little less. Milly's even going to attempt getting me on her workout programme... ha... how often have I said that before though.
Bit of self-belief, bit of gratitude for the love you have around you, and a bit of momentum was all I needed. You got this.
Wednesday 4 November 2015
Self Value
I've been in a very confusing yoyo motion when it comes to my self worth lately. It started with an unconscious compression of negativity, which I could only identify was around me when I removed myself from that environment and went home over summer; it was like a weight was lifted. I've changed from being beautiful, to average, to ugly and always seemed to believe in whatever I was told. Lately I've learned to realise that the most negative comments come from those who know me the least, and care about me the least. And yet, it's still implanted in my head.
So how do comments, criticism and complimentation affect your view of yourself? My mum is always furious with me when hearing what people think of me makes me feel low about myself. But it's hard to avoid something boring into your head when it's repeated and repeated and repeated over and over again. One positive comment can become unacknowledgeable in a sea of negativity.
There's so much we give out just from our attitude and how we feel. It's like that weird experiment which showed that female strippers got more in tips when they were at their most fertile in their hormonal cycle - when someone believes they are attractive, they seem to become it. It comes in phases too, but it's not really something you can fake.
I've found that your self-image can affect the way you act towards people. The way I've been with men recently resembles massively the needy 17 year old girl I once was. It's the manic desire to give away love - to anyone - and being unable to recognise poor actions before you can stop them. That's made me question a lot of who I am, whether I ever really grew up from that clingy little girl. Have I ever developed my own way of being attractive? Do I find myself attractive? It's not just what I look like, it's how I act, who I am. And does anyone think that of me, that's the scariest feeling, not being wanted.
It's a very horrible feeling to be that swallowed up by your own doubt and confusion in the mix of other people's comments and treatment. I feel like I'm tumbling through the middle of that process right now. It's a very lonely place to be, especially knowing it's inevitable and will take its time.
But this will pass, as ever. Just good to get it off my chest to a silent audience.
So how do comments, criticism and complimentation affect your view of yourself? My mum is always furious with me when hearing what people think of me makes me feel low about myself. But it's hard to avoid something boring into your head when it's repeated and repeated and repeated over and over again. One positive comment can become unacknowledgeable in a sea of negativity.
There's so much we give out just from our attitude and how we feel. It's like that weird experiment which showed that female strippers got more in tips when they were at their most fertile in their hormonal cycle - when someone believes they are attractive, they seem to become it. It comes in phases too, but it's not really something you can fake.
I've found that your self-image can affect the way you act towards people. The way I've been with men recently resembles massively the needy 17 year old girl I once was. It's the manic desire to give away love - to anyone - and being unable to recognise poor actions before you can stop them. That's made me question a lot of who I am, whether I ever really grew up from that clingy little girl. Have I ever developed my own way of being attractive? Do I find myself attractive? It's not just what I look like, it's how I act, who I am. And does anyone think that of me, that's the scariest feeling, not being wanted.
It's a very horrible feeling to be that swallowed up by your own doubt and confusion in the mix of other people's comments and treatment. I feel like I'm tumbling through the middle of that process right now. It's a very lonely place to be, especially knowing it's inevitable and will take its time.
But this will pass, as ever. Just good to get it off my chest to a silent audience.
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