Self Value

 I've been in a very confusing yoyo motion when it comes to my self worth lately. It started with an unconscious compression of negativity, which I could only identify was around me when I removed myself from that environment and went home over summer; it was like a weight was lifted. I've changed from being beautiful, to average, to ugly and always seemed to believe in whatever I was told. Lately I've learned to realise that the most negative comments come from those who know me the least, and care about me the least. And yet, it's still implanted in my head.

 So how do comments, criticism and complimentation affect your view of yourself? My mum is always furious with me when hearing what people think of me makes me feel low about myself. But it's hard to avoid something boring into your head when it's repeated and repeated and repeated over and over again. One positive comment can become unacknowledgeable in a sea of negativity.

 There's so much we give out just from our attitude and how we feel. It's like that weird experiment which showed that female strippers got more in tips when they were at their most fertile in their hormonal cycle  - when someone believes they are attractive, they seem to become it. It comes in phases too, but it's not really something you can fake.

 I've found that your self-image can affect the way you act towards people. The way I've been with men recently resembles massively the needy 17 year old girl I once was. It's the manic desire to give away love - to anyone - and being unable to recognise poor actions before you can stop them. That's made me question a lot of who I am, whether I ever really grew up from that clingy little girl. Have I ever developed my own way of being attractive? Do I find myself attractive? It's not just what I look like, it's how I act, who I am. And does anyone think that of me, that's the scariest feeling, not being wanted.

 It's a very horrible feeling to be that swallowed up by your own doubt and confusion in the mix of other people's comments and treatment. I feel like I'm tumbling through the middle of that process right now. It's a very lonely place to be, especially knowing it's inevitable and will take its time.

 But this will pass, as ever. Just good to get it off my chest to a silent audience.