Here's a funny everyday video I found of Joz and I, which shows clearly what my relationship with him is like.

Had another day of the same crap. PSD ended in me on the floor, general studies I slammed my face down on the table and went 'WHAT'S THE POINT!' because I didn't understand bingo well enough. GEORGINA: here's the video about general stud I was telling you about, it's hilarious:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogX07jgrZOs

Bloody true.

Also had a brilliant moment today where a male teacher talked about 'happy' periods in the always adverts and got really awkward. He also showed us this and got really awkward:

This is a brilliant unfamous band: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr1P5VDnF8w&feature=BFa&list=PLC723B4C4326DA161&lf=plpp_video

On the left, is a photo of what Ollie will be like in 3 years time.

On the right, is what I call the definition of a tosser.

Feeling really frustrated today. I had 2 extra frees and didn't do anything worth while in them. Then had to go to drama but didn't have a great session. We don't have enough time. I'm stressed. But it'll be fine. I got quite into it today, I think it could be good. There was one moment as well, when James was acting all upset about Isobel, and it's the first time I've ever been transfixed by anyone's acting. It was extremely powerful, and I don't know how he did it but I wish I could do that.

I want to be able to become the characters, not just imitate them. Very rarely, someone comes onstage and you think fucking hell. That is not who they are. And it's amazing. I want that. I feel really inspired now.

So anyway, I went to see The Owl and the Pussycat went to see... last night at the salberg. And you know, I actually enjoyed it. If you got into it, it was really fun. Danny was absolutely brilliant and I thought that he actually save the piece. There were a few funny lines in the script. A brilliant moment was when this character was talking about how he wasn't brave enough to help out, and Robin shouted out 'YOU CAN DO IT!' was hilarious. Then James got really grumpy when the kid handed us confetti and coins to throw around. But all in all, a really enjoyable night, if you got into it. I'd advise anyone to go with a large bunch of people.

"You look like the worst gangsters ever..."

Finally going to shut Georgina up, who's been complaining about the absence of her life on my blog. She's so funny. So GEORGINA is amazing and I love her... I've said so much about her there really isn't much to add. I love reading out funny transcripts with her, including this one time when I was talking to Mrs Coundley and she left me a massive transcript on my computer, where a character called Poppy confessed her love for a character called Georgina... funny coincidence that. Ha, I joke, that was the other way round. I wrote the transcript. Good lesson.

Also, really want to have a house party now. Might have one this summer for my birthday, with permission from my rents. I don't know who I'd invite though, tricky one. GEORGINA WOULD BE INVITED THOUGH and no of course it won't be awkward that you don't know many of my friends so shut up.

Had a really lovely day, so happy at the moment. I have a spring in my step and everything. I am definitely getting my swag back. Ahahahaahahah that sounds so wrong. But I feel so much more like me than I have done for a while, getting my freedom back. Two fingers up to the world and all that, although having said that I quite like the whole 'meh' attitude. Like, not caring about not caring. If you don't care, you care about not caring, but I don't. That sentence made no sense.

Found this picture today, and it made me laugh.

Haven't blogged in a couple of days because I've been too busy. I'm not going to gossip and talk about my last couple of nights, but I am going instead to talk about my life in 5 years. I was discussing it with Billinge and a couple of others yesterday, and it still makes me laugh the way I tell it. Yeah, I laugh at my own jokes, someone's got to.

So, I'm living in London right. Some shit area of it, a run down hippy place like Camden, and I hate living there because it scares me. And I'm working in a job at a company which sells pens. Because you know, everyone will always need pens. Money to be made there I reckon. So maybe I'll have a fair bit of money, but I piss it away. And what happens, is I arrive at Boots every monday morning, and I have major hair issues, it's all over the place. And I'm wearing a clean outfit but I'm dirty. I have to wear sunglasses because the sun hurts my eyes, and I come in. I'm still a bit drunk, so I stumble up to the counter. (I skip the queue and one fucker will be like 'excuse me!' and I'll just be like 'PISS OFF' and Julie will apologise to the person for me). And then Julie goes 'Your regular Poppy?' and I go, yes please. And she hands me a red bull, a chicken and mayo sandwich and the morning after pill. And then she goes, see you next week!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bo4A1krfbGE

I feel so torn at the minute in so many directions. I'm so confused, so unsure of what I'm doing half the time. The only problem is thinking about what you're doing. If you didn't think about it, it wouldn't be a problem because you'd just let it be and let things happen naturally. I think the problem with having educated minds and training the human brain to retain information, it makes it easier for us to over-think everything, like everything needs analysing, everything needs a plan, a direction. It's ridiculous.

I'm actually at the point of genuinely not caring anymore, if I don't try, things will have to happen anyway, uni and year 13 and whatever. It's not like time will stop, so I should just go with the flow. 

One nice thing about today was that I had a catch up with Hannah Bourne and Lucy Coulson, and realised I've really missed them. Lucy said something about doing something, but I don't know if she was kidding or not. It's nice to remember past memories though, and we certainly had plenty of drama incidents. My favourite has to be when Annabel smashed that bottle in her piece during the filming for it. Then she tried to sweep the pieces up with her hands and we had to try and stop her. It was hilarious though.

Here's a video that majorly cheered me up. (Sorry Georgina)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSIlX37hq74

Sorry, meant to attach this song. But hey, I don't mind Robert Sheehan stood on a building giving a speech on fucking up. Pretty much my idea of heaven anyway.

If I ever got a tattoo, it would be this:

Don't worry though, I won't ever get one. Georgina keeps drawing all over me and then saying 'If I died today would you get this tattooed on? And I'm like, no. And she gets all upset.

Today, I had my ego publicly reduced by my english teacher, who said 'Not to embarrass Poppy BUT...' and went on to explain how wonderful I am for having handed in work despite being ill. She made me look like a right nerd in front of everyone. Also, showed Miss Evans my cartoon from yesterday because Emma mentioned it so she wanted to see it, and she laughed so hard I thought she was going to die. She eventually went off and photocopied it and put it up in the art office. Should probably be worried she's not put any of my artwork up there...

I've come up with a list of things to sort out personality wise this year, so what I'm doing, is taking them on one at a time to try and perfect myself. I know what you're thinking, pretty hard to do, but you know what, I have things to learn.

The first change will be my ability to be so open. Yes, we should all be able to talk about how we feel, but that doesn't mean everyone should know just because you have a stupidly loud voice. I really don't mean lots of people to find out things about me, I seriously can't help my volume. My whole family speaks loudly, I'm just used to it. So, subsections of this clause are speaking quietly and not mentioning information if it needn't be mentioned. Wish me luck.

But tonight, I'm going to talk about ways we react to sad events or stress or traumatic stuff. I'm constantly interested in people's reactions to things. I've recently been aware of the way some people shut down when something happens, they don't want to think about it at all, like they've learnt complete control over their minds because of past experience. Some people can literally turn it on and off. The problem is, this doesn't deal with it. And it means they don't speak to anyone so they can't get it off their chest.

I find that when I have something bad happen to me, or I'm upset, I'll hide it for a little while, then I'll tell the most important person to me, normally Jessie, who's received so many teary phone calls from me. Problem is after that, I feel a bit better for a while, then I'm unhappy again, so I tell a few more friends, then more, then more, then my art class, then Miss Evans and it gets too wide. I'm not secretive enough about stuff. Well, the stuff that matters I am. Sometimes when I think about everything in one batch I get confused and my brain hurts so I get upset because I hate not understanding things.

Other people react vastly differently. Some people like to bury themselves in more destruction to make them feel like they're used to dealing with it. Some people completely crumble and everyone finds out about their problems. The really messed up kind of person will disappear off the radar for a while, ashamed that telling anyone would be attention seeking. I think it's all terribly lovely, the way we react to that stuff. It's sort of wonderfully fucked. That's the great thing about being this age, you fuck up and it's like yep, that should happen. Or it's manageable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjoxmgBjfYM

This is us guys, and I'm proud to be a bit of a twat sometimes. I'm young. Fuck it.

I've done it this massive because otherwise you can't really see it all. This was my general studies lesson!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz-UvQYAmbg&feature=mr_meh&list=PL400D64E4CF92E0E4&lf=plpp_video&playnext=0

So, had a wonderful day. I had a lovely art lesson, then went to meet someone for a coffee, which was really good. The rest of the day's been lovely too.

But ya know what? Maybe just talking about my day isn't enough. Maybe it's dull. Even if it isn't, it's more of the same.

OKAY, firstly congratulations to 'My Darling Mansell Short' for passing his driving test and theory, you realise you're now my personal chauffeur.

Tonight, I'm going to talk about my dad and how amazing he is. Right now, he's travelling to the other side of the earth to Hong Kong, (cue racist accent), then he's going on to New Zealand and Australia for his singing. I'm super super proud of him. My dad, is literally the coolest guy ever. He might be quiet and shy when people meet him, and say things that make him sound like he would barely remember where the fridge is, but he's not like that.

He was desperate to have kids, and the fact that I had a brain disease at 3 which they thought was a brain tumour has just made him so protective of me, he's amazing. I remember him waking me up in the middle of the night in the hospital and taking me to watch cartoons in the play section with him.

It's not just his amazing fathering which is awesome, he's literally been there done that for everything. He's had a career in a kind of physics, (if you can call knocking on walls physics), singing, tomato nursery, being homeless, working in a petrol station... I could go on. He's been through a lot, and he's given me everything to make me happy since I was born. But then, parents do owe their children everything. They wanted children, they owe that child every single thing they can give them, because that's what they're there for. And dad does that for me. He's a bit of an idiot sometimes and he gets it wrong, but I'm equally an idiot for not telling him when something upsets me and just leaving it.

I'm getting tired now, I'm going to sleep. But, tomorrow you shall have cartoons posted from 'Ways to kill yourself' which I am drawing in my General Studies lesson tomorrow. See you then.

I'm afraid I have to let some hopes down, being ill today, I did absolutely nothing interesting. That means no more videos of me wrapping my head in something, no pictures of me with my nose taped up (I deleted that one) no funny stories even!

I've been sat at home with art piled around me eating chocolate and watching jeremy kyle, in between scrubs and Wild Child, which remains my favourite film despite having seen at at least 8 times this month alone. I want to be her.

She's ridiculously cool. 

So anyway, I'm feeling pretty up and down today. Major headaches coming and going, and feeling a bit shit. I couldn't face taking calls from a few friends today, just been feeling a bit sad but without any particular reason to be. I've gone through a phase of looking disgusting for about 3 weeks because of this bloody cold and I'm hoping when it goes my make up might stay on! WAHEEY!

My plan is to look good tomorrow. And have this song going round my head all day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwHe0ddggig

The thing is, I'm split between two emotions. The first one being I'm so pathetic and I am going to sit here and wallow in my patheticness. The second being, screw life I'm going to put myself out there and live it to the full. And I'm close to tipping fully into the second, but this limbo phase is so annoying. The thing is, I just don't know how much my life is about to change, because it is about to, but I don't know what way it's going to go. Who'll talk to me, who'll bother with me, what I'll look like, what I'll act like, how I'll respond. This time tomorrow everything will be clear. 

I can't wait until I'm a famous actor, because I can feel it. It's going to happen. STAY POSITIVE. To be honest, as long as I'm not drinking Methadone like it's vodka next week I'll be a happy girl.

But if people could please buy large blocks of cadburys and leave them in my bag at different points of the day tomorrow, it would be greatly appreciated. Let the shit hit the fan, I'm ready. MUTHAFUCKA!!!

Such a classic song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w&ob=av3n

So, I am filthy ill. Yesterday though, I had such a funny moment. I was going up to bed at like 10, and I had 9 missed calls and 3 answerphone messages from James K, Chris K, George and Billinge wanting me to go round to the kellys. Then I rang George back and he passed me over to James, and James said 'You're only saying you're ill so you don't have to come.' And I said 'James, I have 9 missed calls from 4 boys wanting me to go and see them. Why would I fake being ill?' there was this pause and he said 'Yeah fairplay.'

Anyway, was meant to rehearse with James and George this morning, but James is a gumpy lazy arse, so I went and got my snood from George and then he came round for a bit. Mum tried to get him to take an egg. Not sure why. Now I'm listening to 'How Does She Know' from Enchanted and it's making me happy. I have bugger all to discuss today, sorry.

Here's a very truthful video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V56VNoQPva4&feature=related

And he's hot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR2yWz5ctDg&feature=autoplay&list=PLC723B4C4326DA161&lf=plpp_video&playnext=4

HELLOOOO. Sorry I didn't blog yesterday, was up in London looking at galleries and seeing plays- had such a lovely time. I wish I had more money!

Ok, so first thing's first, here are some pictures of the most amazing theatre I've ever been to. Sadly, the tickets had sold out for the show, so we couldn't see it, but the whole place was amazing. You walk down the back road of Waterloo and it's completely dead, no one around, no shops. Then you see a stage door sign, and you have to go back and walk down some stairs into what looks like a crack den. As you walk towards the stairs, (which are covered in unknown band stickers), you see through a wire mesh the tunnel where the theatre entrance is:

Everyone was queuing as if it were a club, they had metal barricades for the queue, and bouncers!! It was literally like a club. What I love about going to see theatre in London is the people who go and see it. You get people with bright blue hair and tattoos, bright red lipstick, mad clothes, all smoking in the interval of course, and they all piled out to smoke when Joz and I came in between plays. I'd never smoke, but there's something wonderfully glamorous about smoking in a graffiti covered tunnel after having watched a series of short plays. That's the life.

I couldn't take a picture of the inside, but when you came in, they had like spotlight lighting down the corridor, and the 'box office' bit was just a few tables in front of some barbed wire spelling out 'VAULT' behind them. How friggin awesome is that?!

Anyway, had an absolutely lovely day with the arty people, me, Rosa, Cat, SJ, Heather and Nell. We went to Tate Britain, where I was inspired to.... um.... well we took pictures of me looking mysterious and moody and attractive?? Okay, Tate Britain wasn't really relative to my topic 'Memorabilia' at least, not the way I want to come at it. We met a friendly ticket inspector with dreadlocks who asked us if we were italian!! I wish! Then we got into a pissy phonebox and he took pictures of us together.

We went to see the Picasso exhibition, which is cool because, ya know, it's Picasso. But, I'm sorry if Miss Evans reads this, he's shit. Heather actually found a painting where you could see numbers under the paint. Yeah, that's right. He did painting in numbers. What I don't like about him, is that the statement he was trying to make was basically, 'look at me, I'm all different and not conforming and indie.' He was doing it for the sake of it, and yeah sure, he revolutionised art from then on with his breaking boundaries, but why would you want to paint a lemon and two jars in block colour, it doesn't look nice and it serves no purpose. I didn't understand fully his motives, and I spent ages sat in his exhibition feeling frustrated with myself. Till Rosa came over and gave me a tictac and said 'that'll make you jazzy' and walked off.

SO we were desperate for lunch, draaaagged Rosa away and went to convent garden, saw some street theatre, met a monk who guessed our personalities. I'm wild, apparently. Who saw that coming? He gave us a book on meditation and shouted GORRANGO at us (which means smiles in monk language). Then someone wanted a picture of Rosa's outfit, and she looked so scared, it was hilarious. Battled past the living statues and got to a lovely cafe and had lunch:

Croque monsieur, cuppa tea and a doughnut the size of my head. That's more like it. Left feeling sick and went to the national portrait gallery, where I eye flirted with a hot guy, and this ugly girl was following him around and he kept backing away from her. He was definitely keen on us. Ha........

Got told off for touching a sculpture, Nell got told off for taking a picture, all a bit embarrassing. Then left and headed towards Tate Modern, taking lots of pictures along the way. Ended up not having time for Tate Modern, which was a shame seeing as it probably would've been relevant to my topic. Anyway, we left Nell because she was off to see Lucien Freud. Very exciting, I'm jealous. I went to camden and bought this hat:

Basically, I was alone, 16, in Camden and it was getting dark. There's only so many times you can pretend you didn't hear the words 'Alright gorgeous' I just wanted to run away screaming. I didn't, don't worry. SO. I bought the hat to make me more 'street' and actually people backed off a lot as soon as they saw me in it I was proud. 

Met up with Joz and Emily and went to wagas, felt so ill I couldn't finish my meal, and I've craved it since I left. Then went to see the two plays. First one was shit, it was 3 monologues split into each other, and they rhymed. Not cool. The girl playing the mother was amazing, she cried and everything. The other two just sort of sat there. Not a great play. At all.

Second one was about three guys trapped in a lift, which was a great concept, pretty good acting, but I feel the writing let it down a bit. It had its moments but it sagged a little in the middle, not sad enough despite the themes being very sad, one guy was making his girlfriend get an abortion and then changed his mind and another wanted to commit suicide. Hmmm... too obvious?

On a side note, Joz's house mates cat is really horny and they can't afford to get it spade, so they're just living with a horny cat. That's funny shit, someone needs to write a play with that in.

BLAHBLAHBLAH. Sorry that was super long. HAVE A NICE SATURDAY PEOPLE.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads this random shit, I'm amazed people are still looking at it. Unless my figures are wrong, I average about 30 a day, so I just hope I'm keeping people entertained with all this crap. THANK YOU!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2fM6Ijr830&feature=autoplay&list=PLC723B4C4326DA161&lf=plpp_video&playnext=10

My new jeans came- AAAAH!

Yes, this is the most exciting thing that's happened to me today. Ok, so I'm a huge fan of cutting up t-shirts, and I went and took a load of Dad's old t-shirts. I'm a master thief, he came in and said 'That's my t-shirt!' and I said 'You gave it to me!' and he said 'Oh ok.' Done. Easy. To be fair, I only take the ones I haven't seen him wear in ages. Anyway, I stole one of his t-shirts and this is what I did to it, though I'm not actually sure I really like it much:

Potentially a bit too much. It looks ok if you up the contrast, but in real life it's like... why has that emo cut up her t-shirt. I just look like I'm trying really hard to be indie. CRINGEMALYF

Anyway, GEORGINA'S home!! Yaaaay!! My life hasn't been complete without her :') What else... Went to see the kelly twins yesterday, and I absolutely love their mum. She makes me chuckle. Listening to brothers bickering always makes me feel really comfortable as well, reminds me of my brothers. I have work today, so I need to go and get changed now. CATCH YA LATER

Well well well. What an evening I've just had. So, had to go to Beth's for half 5, but as usual I was running late, then I see she's sent me loads of facebook emails saying if I don't get to her house right now we can't go to Sarah's. So I tell her I'm on my way and log off quickly. Then I drive down to her house, and my phone isn't sending or receiving messages, and won't call or receive calls. I ring her doorbell LOTS no sign of her.

Panic.

Ran to work, used their phone and rang Beth, I said 'Give me Sarah's address and I'll just get a taxi.' And Beth said 'No, I got us another lift sorted. Come to my house.' I was like 'I'VE JUST BEEN TO YOUR HOUSE.' And she said 'Oh, well the doorbell doesn't always work. SO I practically run back to Beth's, get there and we sit and chat and then Sarah picks us up. It was all sorted.

Anyway, as for the actual night itself. Blimey. I confess, I may have had a little giggle juice. I apologise if I called you, I rang a lot of people. Actually texted my brother as well, bit embarrassing. The texts this morning have been very interesting. We ate masses of pizza related food, then we laughed at some people on the internet, (I'm definitely not going into that on a public site). To my recollection, my night tailed off with me taking shots in front of an annoyed christian and then shouting to Beth's boy Liam 'YOU'RE BETH'S FUCKING SHOES, SHE NEEDS YOU.' He called me intelligent. HA.

Then Sarah and I talked to 'Rob Bailey' (Sarah's friend, I don't know him) and I tried to be sober by asking him whether, as a pilot, he was going to design planes or fly them. Nice one Poppy. And you were saying Liam...? Hmmm, not so intelligent. Then I don't remember how but we ended up sleeping, and I crept away this morning at half 10. Despite getting myself a bit embarrassed, I had a pretty good night. Never laughed so much.

At one point, Sarah had a massive mouthful of smirnoff, and I don't know why she was laughing because nothing funny had been said, but she then coughed and opened her mouth and I've never seen so much liquid come out of anyone's mouth. It was beautiful.

So yeah, that was my valentines! Plus some tupperware from my 'rents. Now to drink some water and pretend I didn't drink last night. Very jealous that the girls are eating brownie without me right now. Darn it.

Happy valentines day <3

W4NN4BE 1NDI3 - found this picture yesterday and it made me laugh. Not out loud, out loud I went: "Ahaaaaa that's clever."

Yesterday I was at work again, then went home and Beth came round, then a couple of swgs teachers came round. At one point of the evening, I was stood eating cheesecake, Beth had just gone, and Mr Burgess said 'Is it strange having your teachers at your house?' YES IT IS. So we had Mr Lawrence, Mr Burgess, his wife and baby- who is super cute! Apparently when they get to a car park he goes "Car! Another car! Another car!" for ages. bless.

Now super stressed about english coursework, deadline was last night, the email attachments wouldn't send so I need my teacher's home email address and he isn't replying and I'm worried he's not going to mark it because it's a missed deadline and he said if any of us missed the deadline then aaaaaaahhhhhh. Technical difficulties.

On a positive side, I am now the proud owner of three new pashminas! Beth's family sell scarves and satchels from Morocco, so she brought a load of them round and I got all excited and bought three. One's got pompoms as well. *excitement*

Then had a dream last night that I was with a couple of girls and then some chavs, (but they were nice chavs), and we were under pressure to get a car from this car park and get away from something, and this chav went and used a crowbar to smash into a car and then the other chav went 'Oh no, it's open already.' So we left that car to find another one to break into... strange. Had another dream this morning as well, it's been a busy night!!

OH MY GOD found the funniest website, (credit to Beth), for finding out what your children would look like with certain people- so funny:
http://www.morphthing.com

Anyway, toodles.

Listening to this brings back so many memories, but it actually kills me to listen to it anymore:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-jGJgKqP00

It's funny, how even though songs can really be painful to listen to we keep listening. I loved this song sound wise, but now it has connotations of other stuff and it's the worst feeling listening to it.

I don't like this feeling right now.

Today was interesting, dad came to see me at work and no one else at all was in the shop and I almost cried and it was very embarrassing. BUT then Izzy and Miss Evans came to see me and hugely cheered me up. They were off to get Izzy's tattoo done- which I want to see!!

AND this really sweet 20 (ish) year old guy came in like... a few weeks ago and had asked me where was a bad part of salisbury to live, so I told him. He came in today and bought himself some more aftershave and he recognised me: 'I found a flat' and we chatted about his flat. Then he said 'Is it just you who works on weekends?' and I said 'I'm still at college so I can't do weekdays, so yeah I'm here every weekend.' and he was really sweet and went 'I'll see you around then'. Keeno beeno.

Also had a really nice time with Jessie, Chris Holford and then a couple of guys I didn't know. Was just nice to be all perky and happy. Speaking to Chris after years was nice, he's a really sweet guy. None of the guys made any jokes about the number of jumpers I was wearing which was nice, I'm not used to people not laughing at what I'm wearing. To be honest though, if people aren't laughing at what I'm wearing, I'm not wearing something that represents me. Okay, that sounded far more bitter than it needed to.

If I'm honest, I feel a bit shit today. I've been wallowing in my own patheticness. But then I watched take me out and I feel better, and actually I feel like I'm about to get a major doseage of mojo, which I am in DESPERATE need for. I've been mojoless for too long.

My tasks for tonight are starting to write a proper script for a new play idea, I'm thinking, three characters, a girl gets home to find her boyfriend with someone else, and she pretends it's cool and introduces herself to the girl as his friend and lies about herself lots. Set at uni. Could be really funny, or an utter disaster. But I shall PERSEVERE. Problem is, you know you're shit at spelling when you type 'guarantee' and it suggests you meant 'garnet' not good.

But ahahaha I could watch this over and over, I already have:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSK1D3bZhRs

THIS IS REALLY SCARY- I've wanted to post a video of me singing for a long time but never had the balls. I decided, when I finally post a video, I promised myself it would be this song by Bonnie Raitt. This is the best my voice can do, and it isn't brilliant but it's me.

Song to make you feel like a boss: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjDdGKBhTuo

Actually found today pretty useful, was really fun to imagine life in a year and half's time- OH MY GOSH IT'S SO SOON!! AHHHH!! Exciteeddddd.

Off tonight to see Alice in Wonderland with beautiful Beth because her brother's in it... thinking I might dress up for this play. I love it. Then Jessie's coming over to Beth's and we're having a girly sleepover. Work from 10 till 5 tomorrow- lshglskdhgselkhg.

Feeling pretty positive today, was in a really good mood and had a lovely day first with a couple of people I don't normally talk to (yep, first impressions are wrong) then with Evie. We left feedback forms for Boston in children's hand writing- rebellious! Also had an incident in a toilet- no loo roll left. These things always happen to me. Anyway, sadly, Georgina is leaving me, Jessie is leaving me, Em is leaving me to go off on holiday this week. Very sad. Still, I have work to do.

As for things I need to sort out, english, art, art, art, art, art and art. AAh. So much to do all the time! Still, I'm feeling ok. I still feel like crying all the time, but now I feel like crying because everything's so lovely and nice. Well, most things anyway. Couple of things to sort out. And also, I LOVE IZZY HUMBEY. She's made me feels tonnes better about myself recently, talking to her's been instantly easy, feels like a big sister. Love it when you find someone you can completely trust when you barely know them.

So, that's been my day and life today. Cheerio!!

At the moment, and I know everyone feels like this, sometimes it feels like there isn't enough oxygen in your lungs. I'll describe how I feel and see if you feel the same. Sit up straight and close your eyes. And then you take in this massive breathe through your nose and you hold it, because when you're breathing it in it feels so refreshing. Then you hold it and it starts to shake and close up in your body. So you just let it all go quickly. It's like the stress just cramps out your entire body again and you can't think straight. But for those few blissful seconds when you're holding in the air, it's like you're free. I like it but it's never enough. One day, I'm going to get on a train and arrive in the countryside, proper countryside, and I'm going to put this song in my ears: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePatJIwB-sI&feature=autoplay&list=PL999E2BCC2AFD9BF0&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=2 and I'm going to stand and look out on a sunrise over a really cold hill, where the sun is bright orange. And I'm going to breathe in and feel like it's worked.

I'm afraid I have some extremely bad news for you today.




Because I've been asked by someone to do a blog post on purely them, I'm not going to be able to do a massive blog complain about how I'm having a night in when everyone else has gone out.

Ok. Here it is.

Used to be pretty good best friends a few years back, (despite constantly telling each other we were ugly), and now, there is literally nothing I can't tell you about. I think it's taken a couple of years to get over our difference in taste, in a lot of areas, but I genuinely love you. I spend most of my in school time with you, love our walks and trips to boston (wink).

The fact that you've always been 1, (or 2, or 3, or 4), steps ahead of me makes me life HUGELY easy, so thank you for that. You're the fearless one, I'm the pathetic one, and that's ok. But seriously, you've got to stop letting me buy those cookies so regularly. It's ridiculous. I love working with you in drama, you're hilarious, and the faces you pull behind shingle's back make me smile.

There are some things which I always want to go straight to you about when they happen to me. I don't know why, but you always pop into my head. I'll be honest, I'm surprised we're still such good friends after we changed so much over the years, I kept thinking something would weaken our friendship, but if anything I've got closer to you this year. I think being good friends with you before has just made it so easy for us to tell each other anything. And we were always both fucking weird, and that blatantly is something which comes alive when we're together. Whether it's chasing squirrels, (I'll admit, my idea), or you having to say stuff for me because I'm too embarrassed 'My friend really needs the loo.' (you don't know this, but when you said that I was behind you, clutching my stomach and bent over).

Shit things you've done to me over the years:
1. Putting me in bottom set maths- I mean for god's sake, pupils are meant to teach other pupils, not teachers. Idiot.
2. Lugging me round looking for valentines chocolate when I'm trying to watch what I eat.
3. Biting me till I cried....

Ok I was struggling with that. All I could think of was shit things I've done to you over the years (I'm very sorry, I was a shit friend, I know that). SO here's all the nice things you've done to me over the years:
1. NUMBER 1- MY FAVOURITE THING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR ME - putting Duffy 'Mercy' on your iPod so I could listen to it on the bus to your house.
2. You once went 'You've got some make up on your chin' and rubbed it in for me
3. taking me um.... shopping? ;)
4. giving me countless pieces of homework for me to copy
5. writing up that once beach road review for me... the silly one.
6. kissing me to prove George and James wrong. (best win ever).

I could go on but I want a bath. Me-time and everything.
I LOVE YOU.

And finally:
YOU HAVE A GORGEOUS ARSE.

I want to get out of Salisbury!

Got seriously close to going to the train station today. I think I have stress issues, because I have nothing to be worried about. Argh and I'm kind of annoyed, I really wanted to do something other than go to the social, so I haven't got a ticket or anything but now all my friends are going and I'm just staying at home. Oh well. I'll have a nice evening with my parents? At least I won't be tired the next day? I'm clutching at straws here. I'm going to have a sucky evening of course.

I'm really sick of being so manic all the time lately. I barely have time to breath. I figured it out today, I have about 3 days of the half term where I'm completely free, which is less than if I had the weekends off, so I'm getting no extra time off really. And if I want to meet up with friends? Argh. Sucks.

Ironically, I felt quite positive when I got home. Like happy grumpy, but now I just feel pissy. 

Ooh but I love this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyN_jD58qCI&feature=autoplay&list=PL61664A7554D238D0&lf=plpp_video&playnext=3

But that's the way life swings I guess. After half term everything will be easier. And it's nearly time to start thinking of exams- eek. Normally I'd hit anyone who mentioned that, but I feel sort of excited about going into mad isolation to study for something that'll matter. I know we say that every year, but this year actually matters. I want to do well in life. Although, by the looks of it- I may be signed up for a youtube career now- thanks for the support everyone!

That's all for now, have to get ready for stage (hello trackies) and yeah. Ps. what does 'ma' in chinese even mean???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfeYvl2i4Uc&feature=youtu.be

Do I have to say much more?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPRt2r3Qemw

I had a real low last night, I was over thinking things and it looks like there's a couple of things I need to actually get round to sorting out. But ya know what? I'm actually past caring.

I've had an attitude shift. I'm going to work hard and see how that affects stuff. Then I'll go through a phase of not working so hard again, it swings like that. No matter whether it's at 11 at night or 5 when I get home, the homework is always on my teachers desk the next day. So I'm going to work hard for a while.

I'm going to be honest about the fact my art isn't done. I'm going to be ok, basically. I feel really exhausted and there's no point trying really hard anymore, massive priority sort out. Basically, you have to work at what makes you happy, but if you don't know what makes you happy you have to work at what will benefit you best. Hello AS levels. Bite me.

And when you hear about other people being happy, you have to stick two fingers up to the world and just keep going. You see I'm at this point where when I'm sat down, with time, I can just nod my head like, ok, this is what the situation is. Not dealing with it won't make it any easier. So I did some homework at work today to help things along. I ate two cookies, took some neurofen. When did I turn into a typical working girl? Now all I need to do now is throw up after meals and I'm like a stereotypical workaholic. Paha. Except, I'm not addicted to working. Ooh... maybe I should be.

Ok, if I get to the point where work is addictive, I can pull it off to the end of these two years right? Argh, and then another how ever many. Actually, now I think of it. This is life. Life is stress, and hard work, and having so much to do you either cry or fucking get on with it. There are no breaks. All of us think at uni we'll get a breather. Life has started as of this year, it doesn't get any simpler. Unless you marry someone rich and spend your time popping all your brain cells and watching jezza kyle. So who's with me? If I stick up for life, then other people follow. It's always you vs the world.

Frankly, bring it.

Just to let people know, it's on at the Tristan Bates Theatre in London for the next 3 weeks or so, GO AND SEE IT IT'S AWESOME.

So here's the basic information about the play: Last night I went to see Missing, (written by Barney Norris), at the Tristan Bates theatre in London. It was directed by Alice Hamilton and put on by Up In Arms theatre company.

Entering the theatre last night and sitting down waiting for it to begin, I was extremely curious to see the characters. From what I knew, it was pretty much a play about Joz and Barney, but with a different outcome. And then the play started. From the very moment the character Luke (Rob Heaps) comes onto the stage, standing with light spilling around him in the doorway, looking at the audience as if it has just hit him that his whole life has changed, I knew it was going to be heartbreaking.

Then the first scene begins, and Andy is sat attempting to play guitar on one of the beds, while Luke sits with a little black notebook on his bed, trying to write, clearly irritated by his brother's playing. This already made me laugh. As a child I remember Barney carrying around an almost identical book for his various novels or plays, completely consumed by the idea of being a writer. Joz never played guitar, but the clumsy way Andy strummed through the chords, muttering to himself and then looking up at Luke for some kind of reaction really reminded me of the way Joz pushed Barney constantly as a child. (Having said that, Joz has recently taken up ukulele 'for a laugh' and it's equally irritating).

I watched the characters talking onstage thinking, oh my god, this is literally Barney and Joz. I couldn't believe that two actors could get the interpretation of the characters so right from just looking at the script, but they did. However, this similarity didn't last, and when Andy's constant noise didn't result in Luke getting up and hitting him in the face, I knew that Barney wasn't writing about himself and Joz.

Bit by bit, the play takes a much darker route. It's almost as if you can see Andy's teenage depression intensify and defeat him, his character deterioration portrayed perfectly by Joe Robertson. Maybe deterioration is too strong a word, but Andy's problem is he understands things too well. He can work out and process situations so much faster than Luke. Luke's older, so the play leans you to thinking Luke is responsible and knows how to deal with things, but he doesn't. He has no clue what's going on, and no idea on how to prevent what he know's is going to happen. Sure, he knows Andy is going to die when he hears he's joined the army. So does Andy. So does everyone in their lives. But Andy understands that it is his easy option out, he's running away from life, in a way that I'm not sure Luke understands Andy's motives.

As for the matter of whether Andy does die or not, even Barney wasn't sure when we spoke to him afterwards, and he wrote the damn thing. But I think you have to accept it for black and white and not get too 'english' about it - he dies. You wouldn't take a suit to the hospital for someone who's in a coma. Unless you were really keen on them dying. I don't believe Luke would have the strength of character to think through taking a suit before Andy's death, he's not strong enough to deal with that emotional strain. In my opinion, he dies. And I think he should die, we've practically been spoon fed that all through the play, the sense of tragedy and hopelessness would be lost if he lived on.

But then, in a sense he does live on. He becomes a presence in Luke's monologues, and I can't accept that he disappears, because Luke says at the beginning that he walked into the room and he could see them, like a literal, visual flashback.

The writing style was perfection. The quips, the arguing, the jokes were all perfectly simple and realistic. It was a raw connection, a true to life examination of a brotherly relationship blown out of proportion and it was beautiful, you can't argue against that. It almost wasn't acting it was so real. For me, the most memorable moment was when Andy comes bursting into the room, furious that Luke told their mother about a concert Andy'd planned to go to behind her back. There was a moment where he was stood over Luke's tapes looking at him, and he looked down at the tapes and back up at him. And you just knew, as soon as you saw it. When it had happened, and the two held this long, long silence, staring at the mess around them and each other. That's when the audience knew, this physical representation of their lives and to an extent the future of their relationship. More than anything it was just a wonderfully kept moment, and a wonderfully tense and yet accepting atmosphere in the room. It was like the audience were shocked, but there was an air of 'Ok, yeah, this has happened' to the room. It was flawless. The way the two actors bounced off each other was absolutely the detail in the fabric.

I would've loved to have seen the play having not known about Joz and Barney growing up. I loved seeing it from this point of view, but to me it actually seemed like what would've happened if Joz hadn't pulled himself through those years of teenage angst, or whatever you want to call it. I want to know how tragic and differently interpreted the characters were outside of my family.

I've found this ridiculously hard, and I've gone over it so many times and it still makes little sense to me, so I think I'm going to leave it at this.

I was also asked to do an anonymous mention for someone - HIIIIII (the best thing to say I could think of)

And it a nutshell how was my day? Spent all morning with Georgina and Hannah hunting Jamie and Spencer from Made In Chelsea, of course we didn't see them, and then sold £275 worth of stuff to someone at work, I was shaking. Hello ATV brownie points. Mum and dad offered me chocolate cake and I said no, so they've been asking me if I'm ok all evening. And I feel down having just watched Never Let Me Go.

Wonderfully sad film.

Apologies for not blogging yesterday evening, went out for a meal with some work colleagues and we ate 9 main courses between 5 people, so I wasn't quite feeling up to it. I won't be blogging tonight because I'm off to London to see this new play my brother's written.

WHICH MEANS I will actually get to do a review tomorrow morning, which I've been desperate to do. So far all I know is the play is about 2 brothers growing up, and one of them leaves and joins the army, and the other one completely crumbles without him. We laughed really hard when we heard about it, because it's basically Barney writing about him and Joz. It was even funnier when Barney cast someone else to be the part based on Joz. I spoke to Joz yesterday, he'd been to see it, and apparently you can clearly see the two of them in the writing, so I can't wait for that.

I thought because of this I'd share a couple of memories of growing up with the boys. My most clear memory of them together was when we were on holiday somewhere, and my door was open into their room, so I could hear them. Joz was singing a song, and Barney finally said 'If you don't stop singing that song I'm going to beat you up' and there was a pause, and then I heard Joz's little voice singing again. When I heard some weird noises, I went to see what had happened, and Barney had Joz up against the wall by his neck telling him to shut up. I cried so much at the time, but I bet it was a really petty fight.

Joz told mum recently that Barney used to hit him all the time as a child, which I have to say I do remember and mum got really upset, even though Joz laughed it off. If there's any older brother who doesn't hit his younger brother out there, I'm very surprised.

I can't really remember any other memory of them together, but I remember them separately. On walks with the family, (which mum made us do), Joz used to walk ahead with me and tell me stories of Arthur and the round table or whatever, and the Odyssey, which has turned out to be very handy. I would badger him the whole time for a piggyback, but he never gave me one.

Barney and I weren't so close when I was younger, but we were when I was a baby. He was a bit of a rebellious teen, so I don't blame him for us getting less close as I got older. But I have to say, I love my relationship with my brothers so much now. Popping up to London to see a play with them, or them coming down to Salisbury I have the best time. Especially when mum and dad aren't there, because that means I get the piss taken out of me less. Like last Christmas, I came downstairs and found the entire family on facebook looking at Robin's profile, before we'd even said it was official. I had the piss taken out of me for the rest of the holiday.

There's a lot more I can say, but I need to do my make up for school now.

Listen to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otPxoVQiIGo&feature=autoplay&list=PL61664A7554D238D0&lf=plpp_video&playnext=1

Ps. Barney and Joz, you walk to fast. Slow down.

Oh yeah, I got glasses. Conforming to the geek clique. B)

I was joking around today with someone about how funny it would be if I wrote a blog post of the list of everything wrong with me, (as in, funny stuff, not me being dramatic), but actually it's been quite an eventful day, so I'd rather talk about that.

So I had english first thing, got lots of work done (HAHA) then drama at bish which was good, because we actually did some work. Then I walked back via tesco and in my excitement bought two packs of triple chocolate cookies, a loaf of bread and then 4 medium sized baguettes. I think I was over optimistic with how much I could 'snack'. Anyway, I then spent my free talking with Beth and Jessie, and it was really good to sort stuff out. Walking back into the common room after, I felt like I'd just taken in a massive lungful of air, it was so refreshing. Bit awkward though when you go into a separate room from people to talk and then later they come in and sit with you. Why would you do that?!

After that I had general studies, which to my surprise was a complete and utter waste of time. I honestly could not care less. I detest general studies, and I detest being told off for napping. Then after school, I went up to see Miss Evans to get my exam paper and she was in such a sad mood I went down to see mum, (who was about to take staff choir), and she sent me back up to see Miss E with cake, and she saw it and said 'That's the nicest thing that's happened to me today' and I said, 'Are you okay?' and she said 'Urrr not really at the minute.' and then after that I walked home crying. I feel a bit sad for having got so upset that she was upset. Honestly, she's becoming a second mother to me. I love Miss Evans. Not in a creepy way.

What was nice though, when you're sad, you go through thinking about who you want to talk to about it at that moment. Normally when I do this, my mind goes blank, but today I thought of so many people I could've rung and moaned at. But I didn't because that's just piss annoying and I'm actually fine.

Here's a video that I just found on my laptop that cheered me up. And there's one point where it sounds like I say 'Now you've recorded yourself talking about Izzy Simmons' but I wasn't trying to say that because we hadn't been talking about Izzy Simmons. So I don't know what that means.