Taboo

  Lately the topic of screaming seems to be on my mind. I was at work the other day, and we could hear some girl screaming for ages outside the shop. We all got very annoyed about it, attention seeking nonsense. And that's when I thought about screaming.

  It seems to me, that screaming should be something one only uses when they are in trouble. Think about it; when you hear someone scream or jokingly yell 'Help!' how often do you wonder if you should go and see to the caller? Screaming has become something we expect of young girls being tickled by boys or a way of gaining attention. Which is not good, I think. If anyone were truly in danger now, what could they do?

  You could argue that of course most killers or kidnappers probably wouldn't leave time for a scream, but still the argument remains. It's the same with swearing - it should be kept as a naughty selection of words, exclaimed on the influence of pain - but no longer. It became a cool way of showing that you don't follow modern etiquette, a way of gaining respect or fear. Now they mean nothing, so what's next?

  Swearing should be kept for special occasions, and screaming should be kept for emergencies. That's how I feel. It's the same with car alarms, they mean nothing now. When was the last time someone heard their car alarm and did more than lean back and look through the curtain to check it's just a technical fault- maybe someone accidentally touched the car. Nothing means anything anymore. Tut tut. I sound like an old woman...

Doors

  My mum today said to my dad and I "It seems a lot of doors are closing and new ones opening for us right now." She seems to be right. But I think that's quite an abrupt way of putting it. I'm not sure anything ever really stops suddenly, apart from death. Death is pretty sudden and nasty.

...Anyway. I think the best way to look at things is as alterations, little changes which we can accommodate and react to. Today, I had a crazy moment. My boss was leaving work and she said to me, "When will I see you next?" and I said "I'm in Bristol this week, so next week?" and she looked at the timetable and said "You're on holiday next week, so I'll see you on the 11th." And it dawned on me, that after my holiday, I go into full time employment. That L'OCCITANE will no longer be my only job. I've done so many holiday cover shifts lately, it's going to be weird to go back to weekend girl again. And there we go, a sudden change but a little alteration.

  I welcome the days of baroque pencil skirts, crisp blouses and new people. I am overwhelmingly appreciative, grateful and proud of the life I have had so far and am leading. Especially I am grateful to the huge amount I have learnt over these past few months. I thought I'd learnt a lot in year 12, and honestly I'd learnt nothing. I'd seen what I didn't want to be, not what I wanted to be. Now I know what I want to be and who I want to be. What I want to do will follow, but for now I am excited to start a new type of job and a new adventure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxKjOOR9sPU

Ps. Go to the Lock Inn, it is beautiful and quirky and does amazing food. I'd forgotten how special it was.

Changed my opinion on this man, what a good bloke:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b037524r/Desert_Island_Discs_Russell_Brand/

  It's funny how you find yourself progressing and learning in the most unlikely of places. I've started to be good at my job. I mean, I was always good at clearing up, I think, a bit blonde at times but hey I did what I was asked. The typical Saturday girl. Now I feel like I'm past that, and I have to be better than that. I've started to be able to sell.

  It's very unusual to find yourself finally getting somewhere at something you thought was a talent one either had or hadn't. I guess it's not that kind of thing.

  I suppose it's all part of this desire to be fully conscious of what's around oneself. My big peeve is walking through town behind lines of ignorant strollers, or dawdlers, who are oblivious to your dancing behind them in that very English manner; I'm not going to ask you to move but I am going to silently get into a state behind you until you move and I can do my British 'head-shake.' So maybe the key to much success, working with people in any way, is awareness of other people. Body language, spacial awareness, intonation.

  I'd like to be good at analysing people. I'd like to learn when people are actually kidding or when they're fake kidding but they mean it, you know how I mean?

Anyhoo.

Pendulum

  Life, I am quickly discovering, is like a swinging pendulum, balancing from one extreme to the next. At the moment I've been so busy working, it's almost like my own thoughts disappear and I can't really be myself when I'm there. Then when I arrive home - shoom - all my thoughts gathered, waving at me on my doorstep. Hey Pops! Remember us?! Let's think about all that stuff you've been ignoring all day! As a result, days seem to be dragging endlessly. It's felt like Sunday for about 4 days to me now, every time I check what day it is - oop, it's still Sunday!

  So I get to this point of annoyance, at the positivity buzz. I wouldn't say I'm particularly negative, or positive. I think I swing between the two. Sometimes, optimism and appreciation isn't the right force and it isn't what you need to help you feel better. Kind of like that emotion you get when you're furious and someone tells you to: "Calm down." I've been following Motivational Tweets or something on Twitter, and they posted this the other night when I was in an atrocious mood:

  On a good day, one can look at this and think, yes, jolly good, fuck you life and so forth. But on a bad day, being reminded that others have risen above their desire to just sit and be miserable just makes you bloody well miserable. More so than you were before you saw the photo. A strange thing indeed. I'm all for motivation, but I find that if I'm given it at a point where I am vulnerable or not capable of processing it productively, there's just no point. Come back and try again later.

Mulling

  I have had the loveliest evening with Barney my boii (who is, I've decided, the spitting personality of Jamie Laing from Made In Chelsea). He came round and had a BBQ with my parents and then we drove to Bournemouth and just walked and talked. Well I talked most. I feel a bit bad now, I can never tell if I'm going on too much. Need to monitor that. I hadn't seen him in so long though, it was really nice. My parents love him so much.

  I've been thinking a lot lately about my dreams. Bit of an odd one, but very occasionally I have incredibly vivid dreams and I wake and am convinced they're true, even though I'm aware it was just a dream. Last time I had a dream that felt like that, it came true. So when I had another one recently, I find myself at a bit of a loss. It was about a friend, and they'd done something very bad to me. Because of my last dream, I have since assumed that it's true. Which is probably terrible, but it was such an out of the blue situation, it would be weird for me to randomly ask if they did it, you know?

  This may mean my dreams are coming like warnings, if it was true. They say if humans were able to use their full brain potential we would be able to tell the future, which is why we have de ja vu and maybe funny dreams. I know there are alternate theories about eyes moving faster than the other which explains that 'de ja vu' feeling. But say for the sake of argument that it was a pre-played action by your brain, and it was an accurate prediction of the future, shouldn't it be something we pay attention to?

  What I'm saying is, perhaps I should listen to my dreams... the vivid ones only. Maybe I should ask my friend... hmmm. Funny one. I don't want to insult them but also don't want to miss out on my instincts if they're trying to tell me something.

  I am so excited about life at the moment. Stupid things, like opening and closing the store tomorrow excites me. I am in control and have been trusted to open the store by myself. How amazing is that? I feel privileged.

  Lately I've been really missing speaking another language. I really did fall in love with German in GCSE year and I've missed that kind of achievement. The feeling of being able to speak and understand some other language well was such a satisfying experience. I'm hoping I can take up learning some languages next year. Might force friends to teach me...

This song was introduced to me recently, love it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqCQx0t5qjw

  I had a nice little argument with James Kelly earlier:

Me: Yeah I don't like Leah. I can't picture her winning.
James: She's hot though
Me: What?!! Noo ew James you have shit taste
James: No I don't, everyone thinks she's hot
Me: Who? You and Chris?
James: EVERYONE
Me: And your dad?
James: MANY PEOPLE
Me: Who.
James: you know
Me: Name them
James: Fuck you
Me: Thought so.

Here's a photo of me and my parents pretending to be on a rollercoaster:

Detox, baby!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYvWtGzZsj4

I know what you're thinking, where the fuck have you been? Why haven't I had my daily dosage of your useless, lukewarm, mildly entertaining drivel? Fear not, I am back. And I am very much changed.

  Now, I think whilst blogging every day is a good way to see progression in my self, it's also occasionally important to take a step back and have a wee look at what I've learnt in a period of a week or so. In this case, I feel very much better for it.



  I'm being forced to live as a complete individual at the moment, not in a bad way at all. The word 'forced' sounds rather negative, but it's not meant that way. I've got myself a new job, I shall be working 6/7 days a week commencing 8th august, which I am terrified and incredibly excited by. I'm excited to learn a new field. I've been accepted for a job which is completely different to my current job in retail, which is excellent. It'll mean I can challenge my brain in a whole new way and add some versatility to my CV (gosh I sound posh). It also looks like we may have found a flat for next year... touch wood. So my parents are thrilled to be leaving me secure and sorted. Not that they've sold the house yet, but you never know what's on the cards.

  In my relationships with different people, it's also turning into a situation where we have to take the initiative to keep our friendships going, as school's terminated. At the moment there's still that feeling of security, feeling that everything will return to normal in September. Until we pack, I don't think it's going to hit us that that's just not going to happen. Other relationships have meant that I've had to stay my own person also, which whilst I struggled with before, I am now loving the sense of being my own person.

  But anyway, 'I digress' as James Bradwell would say, the main thing I wanted to tell you about, was my new attitude to attitude and happiness. I believe two things strongly about this subject:
1. We are shaped by our decisions.
2. Happiness starts from outwards, inwards.

  Pretty simple statements, but I've started to live by them now. As I type, I am sat drinking lemon water with green tea. I've just done my yoga and exercise for the day, after having done an 8 hour work shift. I hope to keep this up for the next... ever I guess. I've been sticking to it the past few days. The way I've been going about my exercise is thinking that I should feel afterwards that I've pushed my limits and gone for better than I believe I can do. That way I see progress every day, and my muscles let me know the day after that I'm doing something good to them. And after today, when I wanted to snack, I stopped myself, had a piece of fruit and a lemon water. And you know what? I feel bloody brilliant.

(I explain at this point that lemon water flushes out toxins in our bodies and helps you to have healthier skin, which is why I'm drinking it. I'm not just being strange...)

  So happiness really does come from the outside in, maybe not always. But if I'm keeping my body happy, healthy and exercised, then I have a better chance of keeping my head that way too. So that's my advice to everyone bored and grumpy, do something that you have to force yourself to do that you know is good for you, and the rewards are huge. Everything is just how you perceive it to be. And I'm going to perceive to be happy.