Yes, it's generic and hot topic right now. Frankly I want the whole ugly thing to be done with. The problem with big amounts of publicity at once is you get a fierce backlash of people against your belief, or people with extremist views. It's a remarkable symbolism actually, or becoming one, for the stereotype and the hideous connotations people have developed between Islam and terrorism. Very quickly people have taken a disliking to the feminist media out there because it's been so frequent recently. Strong views on anything are nasty and often destructive.
I am sat absolutely on the fence. I am not against anyone's right to believe in whatever the hell they like. Whilst I find many religions bizarre and narrow-minded, I also know that in the same way I have a crazy half belief in ghosts - equally something unproven and supernatural. Who am I to judge?
However, my beliefs are this:
1. Men and women should be equal
2. Strong promotion for either side benefits no one
3. Revenge is powerless
Yes, men and women should be equal. No, women have not held an esteemed place in our history. Delightfully put in History Boys, 'History is women, following behind with a bucket.' We had a past with little input. However, our main way of expression was through dress in those days, and now we have become liberated to wear whatever we like, in a way men still aren't accepted to.
There may be little problems in England with feminism, but the bigger picture is that not long ago a bus of school girls was blown up for wanting education. It might sound very gap year and rah rah rah, but after you've seen the outside world, sometimes the indulgence and selfishness of the issues we complain about pains you. It's disgusting how we groan around about little problems when on the same planet there are people with actual problems, and a huge fat smile on their faces.
Yet fighting talk like that does nothing. I have learnt that whilst angry manipulative and persuasive words may create a larger support, it also creates an equally hungry opposition. And in the end, it will make no lasting changes. Revenge is not power, as I said above.
I saw an article today where people who had been publicly racist on social media, had an out cry of protesters who managed to get most of them fired. That, I don't have a huge problem with. Perhaps they will learn. However, some comments posted were saying 'end her life' and such like. What's the point? No progress comes from extremism.
Yesterday I got on a bus with my friends. Accidentally, we skipped the queue, as we were checking the time table at the front and then got on thinking that because we had return tickets it wouldn't be a problem to get on whilst other people were boarding at the same time. There was plenty of seating. A middle aged man got on the bus and had a massive go at my Italian friend, her barely understanding him. I thought to myself, he must be in his 50s, surely he has done something in his life worse than skipping a bus queue.
Not sure how I got there... anyway. I just think we should have more urrm... understanding for each other...
What stemmed this post was a duo of articles I read online just now. You will find the link for the other quite clearly within the below post:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2014/11/to-the-mother-who-cant-support-feminism-while-raising-her-sons/
Don't get me wrong, I had major problems with her attitude in the first article, but the second I felt was much more venomous, and ironically, ignorant.
Two main problems with her argument:
"men are NEVER oppressed based on their sexuality or their ability to speak their mind!"
This is a massive generalisation, completely defeats the point of her argument. Perhaps it's because I am a strong woman who does stand up for myself, or perhaps it's because somebody close to me has suffered the onslaught of physical violence from a woman in their lifetime, that I am skeptical and defensive for men. Either way, I'm pretty sure I've insulted many men in my lifetime on exactly these points. This does happen, there is just no voice for the opposition, because men, GENERALLY, don't really take it to heart as much as we do. No voice apart from me, obviously.
"you can just tell them to follow suit as women have been suppressing their identities for centuries to compliment that masculinity"
Nothing good comes from revenge. I'll say it again. A few years back we had a South African choir come to stay with us, and the conductor, who was white, said to mum that he was just starting to feel nervous about being a white person in South Africa. The backlash is not positive. Let's not blame a generation of men for something they had no part in, in the way we wouldn't be so transparent as to view all German people as Nazis. Why is there one rule for one?
One thing I considered today, some extreme feminists complain a lot about how unfair maternity leave is, and how it affects their career. And yet women are very likely to gain full custody over their child when it all goes wrong. Is that equality too?
Tuesday 2 December 2014
Thursday 27 November 2014
Blasting News
In case anyone's unaware, I've started being published on this website! Very exciting, here's my page for you:
http://uk.blastingnews.com/editorial-staff/poppy-evans/
http://uk.blastingnews.com/editorial-staff/poppy-evans/
Tuesday 18 November 2014
I wrote a poem...
I don't know if this is really lame, but I wrote this a while ago and I kinda like it. It's a poem... see what you think.
The ashes have burned,
The last documents read.
Ready meals lovingly cooked by those you hardly knew,
Pile
Up.
You’ve dialed and heard my answerphone
A hundred times.
Smelt the last few scraps of my scent in what’s now just your bed
Broken a glass and screamed.
The neighbours came to check you were ‘doing okay.’
And that’s just today.
Back to work,
A hundred names on cards in your wallet.
Therapists. Shrinks.
You have dreams ahead of you,
A new girl. Not me,
But special.
She smells wonderful,
White rose and lime.
She can cook better than I could.
Then,
You’ll have chocolate milk,
Red kite on the end of little girl’s fingers.
Hand prints in clay and school plays.
This is how it should be.
But it’s today.
So today, weep to your hearts content,
Think about what I whispered under the sheets.
Laugh with my friends.
Tell mum and dad that I still have their cake tin.
Say I’m very sorry,
I’ll leave it to them in my will.
Today is a celebration, glass half full.
I could only give half, but you filled mine to the brim.
Today, the sun shines,
The birds continue to sing.
The traffic flows.
I am a constant past,
Just like you all have an inevitable future.
Monday 17 November 2014
Health
I don't know how normal it is for a first year to feel completely bewildered and crazed by the start of university. I am.
I spent my whole childhood looking to two elder brother's - both much more capable and intelligent than I will ever be. At every new phase of their life, I wanted to be involved. I loved being with them, I wanted nothing more than their attention. I'm pretty sure they both thought I was just an annoying lump for the 11 or so years we lived together, but I was always craving their satisfaction with what I'd done. I wanted them to be impressed by me.
At the point where they went to university, I was around 15. For the next three years I felt desperation to get there, I hated school for that time. I always wondered whether it was just jealousy for the life they were leading, but now I wonder if I was desperate to have something in common with them: to be living the life with them.
Speaking to a friend at university on Skype once, she was boiling some pasta, which she then poured accidentally into the sink. The sink was filled with grime but she had no more pasta and had to pick it out. Then she got the tomato soup she'd been heating and poured it over the top. When she got back to her room I asked her what she was going to do the rest of the day; she told me she'd watch some more tv or a film. I got this picture of uni life being a breeze.
Now I'm here, I feel the constant need to get home and stop to catch my breath. The work is never-ending, always something I should be doing. This coming Friday I have one 1500 word essay due, the following Monday 15% of my Persuasive Writing is due, followed by another 1500 word essay the Friday of that week. And I just know, when I go into German tomorrow she's going to ask me if I've managed to do a book review yet. No I haven't.
The transition between school and university has been piss poor. I have no idea what is expected of my essay writing, and no way of getting help with it. I'm not allowed to hand in drafts and I'm not being heard when I've asked questions. I feel set to fail at the moment and that's not a nice feeling.
The travelling has still been taking its toll on my body: I'm having indigestion and feeling close to peeing myself every so often. I've tried choking back every pill: done blood tests, I've pooed and peed in a cup. I've tried Yakult (and had one stolen from the fridge - who steals Yakult?!). I eat healthy, I drink plenty of water. Nothing is working so I have to go BACK to the doctor this week and watch someone stare at me blankly again as if I'm wasting their time.
The stress is stopping me sleeping. So is the busting to pee situation. Plus today I had to reach into a bin to get my campus card that I'd just accidentally dropped. It's not going well. Not coping. Help.
I spent my whole childhood looking to two elder brother's - both much more capable and intelligent than I will ever be. At every new phase of their life, I wanted to be involved. I loved being with them, I wanted nothing more than their attention. I'm pretty sure they both thought I was just an annoying lump for the 11 or so years we lived together, but I was always craving their satisfaction with what I'd done. I wanted them to be impressed by me.
At the point where they went to university, I was around 15. For the next three years I felt desperation to get there, I hated school for that time. I always wondered whether it was just jealousy for the life they were leading, but now I wonder if I was desperate to have something in common with them: to be living the life with them.
Speaking to a friend at university on Skype once, she was boiling some pasta, which she then poured accidentally into the sink. The sink was filled with grime but she had no more pasta and had to pick it out. Then she got the tomato soup she'd been heating and poured it over the top. When she got back to her room I asked her what she was going to do the rest of the day; she told me she'd watch some more tv or a film. I got this picture of uni life being a breeze.
Now I'm here, I feel the constant need to get home and stop to catch my breath. The work is never-ending, always something I should be doing. This coming Friday I have one 1500 word essay due, the following Monday 15% of my Persuasive Writing is due, followed by another 1500 word essay the Friday of that week. And I just know, when I go into German tomorrow she's going to ask me if I've managed to do a book review yet. No I haven't.
The transition between school and university has been piss poor. I have no idea what is expected of my essay writing, and no way of getting help with it. I'm not allowed to hand in drafts and I'm not being heard when I've asked questions. I feel set to fail at the moment and that's not a nice feeling.
The travelling has still been taking its toll on my body: I'm having indigestion and feeling close to peeing myself every so often. I've tried choking back every pill: done blood tests, I've pooed and peed in a cup. I've tried Yakult (and had one stolen from the fridge - who steals Yakult?!). I eat healthy, I drink plenty of water. Nothing is working so I have to go BACK to the doctor this week and watch someone stare at me blankly again as if I'm wasting their time.
The stress is stopping me sleeping. So is the busting to pee situation. Plus today I had to reach into a bin to get my campus card that I'd just accidentally dropped. It's not going well. Not coping. Help.
Sunday 16 November 2014
Blasting News
Just a quick one to say that I've had an article published by a website called 'Blasting News'. They have global representatives who post articles about stuff happening where they are... anyway. Here's my first!
http://uk.blastingnews.com/tech/2014/11/why-we-shouldn-t-trust-everything-we-hear-on-social-media-00171875.html
http://uk.blastingnews.com/tech/2014/11/why-we-shouldn-t-trust-everything-we-hear-on-social-media-00171875.html
Wednesday 12 November 2014
Ambition
Recently I've been feeling swallowed by my own ambition. I had so many dreams when I got back from travelling that I've mentioned before. I have so many projects I want to dabble into it's overwhelming my brain - and I'm not making them happen.
I could blame it on the fact that I don't have enough minutes to make the calls I need to make about a certain Christmas project, or the fact that my mum's had heart failure so, you know, it's all a bit much right now. But the real utter truth as it is whenever most things in life aren't progressing, it's your own fault. Because if I really tried things would happen.
I started trying a while ago with my idea of Christmas boxes for the homeless, I was going to try it for Cardiff this year. I contacted a tonne of companies asking for discount cards, fully stamped coffee cards, that sort of thing. They would be compiled into a box to give out to those who don't have permanent housing over Christmas. Of course these big companies don't respond to emails, so I've had out of about twenty companies, one reply. And it was a no. What I really need to do is call them, but my dad would be paying. So I need to figure that one out.
Then there was my big 'become toned' plan, which is urrr... still in progress. I've been to the gym pitifully few times this term. Must book into classes. Must... Did eat a salad today though, that's good?
I miss singing but don't want to do Choral stuff anymore. I was hoping there'd be an A Cappella group in Reading but there isn't, so I'd have to start one and I can't read music and am scared of singing in public... that's a great ambition. I want to do something I'm afraid of.
Plus I wanted a writing job, and I'm still waiting for that to appear in my mailbox. I have been applying though. That's alright I guess.
Then Milly and I tried to start a nail thing and it turns out our halls aren't insured so we were threatened to be kicked out of our accommodation... woohoo. That was that. Bye bye £90.
There are others but I actually can't remember them now... what to do. Want to read, write, apply, call people all at once. AAAAAAH.
Help me, myself.
Tuesday 11 November 2014
A&E
Last night I went for a re-union meal with Francesca and Milly (fyi, 40% off Pizza Express for students on Mondays and Tuesdays). Took a few scrambled attempts to nail down what Franji wanted to eat, much to the delight of the waitress, but we got there in the end. I think she liked it. She said at the end 'We should come here every Monday!' Followed by 'We should try Tampons'. After we'd stopped laughing we realised she'd been trying to say the name of a restaurant but neither of us could figure out which one she meant. I still don't know.
Anyway, after that Milly and I went back to Milly's room to watch Made In Chelsea and at around 10:30 we were both thinking of going to sleep. Then Milly checked her phone and Charlie had texted to say he was in A&E and could she bring some food for him. Much groaning - and £6 for a taxi about 3 minutes!!! - we came into the hospital in pyjamas.
He'd been knocked out in a rugby game and has a slight cut on his massively swollen right eye. He could barely see. Already having spent 2 and a half hours waiting to be seen, Milly and I must have been there for another couple while the doctor examined him. Turns out he has concussion, but no eye damage luckily.
But the waiting room entertainment is priceless. There was a woman in with a young lad who'd locked himself in the toilet and despite her yelling at him through the door wouldn't come out. She then went up to the desk and burst into tears and eventually they had to bring a stretcher out with a nurse and doctor and get this guy out. Turned out he'd been injecting himself with heroin in the toilet... The people around us started saying things like 'They should just chuck him back out on the street' and 'that's one way to get seen faster.'
Then another woman told us she was waiting for her son who'd ridden his bicycle into a wall. The woman next to me had been having, prior to her arrival, a huge nose bleed that filled four tea towels. She said 'The dogs thought it was a game! I was trying to stop my nose and they were jumping up.' She laughed, 'It's probably nothing, I wished I hadn't bothered now.' I doubted that last statement but said nothing.
Then there was a woman I noticed in the centre of the room, sat on the edge of her seat, gaze cast onto the floor the whole time looking worried. I felt bad for her. And a couple of women who we called in by a surgeon which isn't a good sign either. As we left there were wheelchairs by the doors full of people open mouthed and snoring. Empty coffee cups all round the room.
It's odd how many people come together at once. I always think the variety looks fascinating when you gather a hand full of strangers. There we were, three university students, with two farmers and people on drugs and people from far away wearing wellies thick in mud. It was interesting. Especially when they played the Apprentice with sign language. That was wicked. I learnt lots. It was a great couple of hours.
Saturday 8 November 2014
Polaroids
Friday 7 November 2014
Interiors again...
When I went travelling I bought a Fuji Instax polaroid camera to take with me. I came up with the aim to take one good photo for each country I visited, and then I could compile them and make some sort of memoir. It's the first time I'd ever worked with film, and having James with me he was constantly wincing as I let full daylight into the back or dropped it in the ocean.
Eventually I've managed to rust the rollers, meaning every photo I took at the end of my journey has nice blank lines through the middle. I think it gives a nice aged look to my trip. It did become a bit of a pain by the end: when I'd press the button at the crucial moment and nothing happened. The worst was when I was stood at the top of the pyramids in Mexico City and had the PERFECT shot ready and nothing came out. After I smacked it about a bit in my hostel room I managed to get it up and running again but had to settle for a photo of a view from my room, which was annoying.
Plus when I arrived at Brazil, my last destination, I was up the top of some building over looking the sky scrapers and realised that while the camera thought I had 6 photos left, I really had none. So that was the end of that. However, I was only in Sao Paulo for 5 days so I figured I'm not at a huge loss if I leave that one out, this time. Plus that leaves me neatly with two rows of 5.
Anyway, I wanted to do something different with the photos to make them look really good, so I went online and looked up a bunch of photos for inspiration:
This is a rough idea of what I'm aiming for. I went shopping in Hay on Wye yesterday to find a cheap frame from one of their kooky second hand stores. Went into an antique shop and rummaged through frames which were about £30-£50... not what I wanted to spend. Managed to get a faux wood frame for £3 somewhere else, made to look like dark wood and with a gold line on the inside. So I've painted it with Annie Sloane chalk paint and am going to distress it slightly so the dark wood colour comes through a tiny bit, and possibly splatter it lightly with some black paint. Hopefully I can find some dark wood to put underneath it.
I collected some photos of the projects happening in my house also. This is what happens when you let my mum lose in a playground...
The first thing she's big on now is flower arrangements, as I've touched on before. There's now become this weird mix in my house between bohemian items and fresh florals. Or dead branches...
Those dead branches I mentioned earlier?
Twig light fitting... obviously.
Up-cycled jumpers...
Eventually I've managed to rust the rollers, meaning every photo I took at the end of my journey has nice blank lines through the middle. I think it gives a nice aged look to my trip. It did become a bit of a pain by the end: when I'd press the button at the crucial moment and nothing happened. The worst was when I was stood at the top of the pyramids in Mexico City and had the PERFECT shot ready and nothing came out. After I smacked it about a bit in my hostel room I managed to get it up and running again but had to settle for a photo of a view from my room, which was annoying.
Plus when I arrived at Brazil, my last destination, I was up the top of some building over looking the sky scrapers and realised that while the camera thought I had 6 photos left, I really had none. So that was the end of that. However, I was only in Sao Paulo for 5 days so I figured I'm not at a huge loss if I leave that one out, this time. Plus that leaves me neatly with two rows of 5.
Anyway, I wanted to do something different with the photos to make them look really good, so I went online and looked up a bunch of photos for inspiration:
This is a rough idea of what I'm aiming for. I went shopping in Hay on Wye yesterday to find a cheap frame from one of their kooky second hand stores. Went into an antique shop and rummaged through frames which were about £30-£50... not what I wanted to spend. Managed to get a faux wood frame for £3 somewhere else, made to look like dark wood and with a gold line on the inside. So I've painted it with Annie Sloane chalk paint and am going to distress it slightly so the dark wood colour comes through a tiny bit, and possibly splatter it lightly with some black paint. Hopefully I can find some dark wood to put underneath it.
I collected some photos of the projects happening in my house also. This is what happens when you let my mum lose in a playground...
The first thing she's big on now is flower arrangements, as I've touched on before. There's now become this weird mix in my house between bohemian items and fresh florals. Or dead branches...
The felted wall hanging I was on about...
Those dead branches I mentioned earlier?
Twig light fitting... obviously.
Up-cycled jumpers...
The staircase patterns so far...
Thursday 6 November 2014
Home
Sat in my FREEEZING cold house in front of the fire, trying to design patterns for the staircase, while dad is in the next room belting out some classical music. I have one dog in my lap trying to eat my hand and the other pawing at my back because he's jealous of the attention. The cat has been in the same place on the sofa for two days because she's injured her paw. Upstairs I can hear mum banging away on her keyboard getting ready for the choir she's running tonight.
It's good to be back in the mad house.
I've been diving back into my scrapbook this week and trying to fill all the pages with as much as I can find: memories, cards, places, people. It's good to document everything that seems important at its present time. I know that in months and years, what and who were the most important disappear, but I want to hold onto it and keep it all sealed forever. This week I'm going to add some drawings as well, it's been a long time since I drew anything. It was the only thing I was good at in art. People around me would be painting ceiling high portraits and gluing layers onto architectural sky-scrapers, while I was sat loudly singing Nero and sticking small papier mache shoes onto larger ones... But I could draw.
It's the first time I've seen Mum since she had heart failure, and I was shocked at how skinny she looked. The latest is that depending on her up-coming results for something heart related, Barney, Joz and I may have to go for an echocardiogram to see if it's congenital. If it is, it means we have big hearts! I think that's rather nice. She's in good spirits and I'll be glad when she can finally slow her work down.
This is the design I've been working on for the staircase:
I'll take some decent photos of the house tomorrow and get them uploaded. The latest projects seem to be: a curtain made from coffee sacks, a felted wall hanging and a new plan to make a vase from cardboard. Mum's current obsession are flowers. She's going to plant a new batch of local ones in the garden. Today I was handing out my cv for some part time work over Christmas here and unsurprisingly she was sending me to the florists to hand it in... I see where that's going.
Last night we cooked a potato and celeriac tart de flette and covered it in cheese. Unfortunately we left it in the oven at 30 degrees and it was raw when we got it out an hour later, so that's dinner tonight. Typical week in my house so far.
It's good to be back in the mad house.
It's the first time I've seen Mum since she had heart failure, and I was shocked at how skinny she looked. The latest is that depending on her up-coming results for something heart related, Barney, Joz and I may have to go for an echocardiogram to see if it's congenital. If it is, it means we have big hearts! I think that's rather nice. She's in good spirits and I'll be glad when she can finally slow her work down.
This is the design I've been working on for the staircase:
I'll take some decent photos of the house tomorrow and get them uploaded. The latest projects seem to be: a curtain made from coffee sacks, a felted wall hanging and a new plan to make a vase from cardboard. Mum's current obsession are flowers. She's going to plant a new batch of local ones in the garden. Today I was handing out my cv for some part time work over Christmas here and unsurprisingly she was sending me to the florists to hand it in... I see where that's going.
Last night we cooked a potato and celeriac tart de flette and covered it in cheese. Unfortunately we left it in the oven at 30 degrees and it was raw when we got it out an hour later, so that's dinner tonight. Typical week in my house so far.
Thursday 30 October 2014
Interiors
Can't help but resist looking at the student houses for next year, I've been constantly thinking about interior design and what I want to do with my room next year. I love being in halls, but once you've put up a couple of posters and hung some fairy lights, there's not a whole lot else you can do to it - seeing as the furniture is glued in.
Watching my parents move to their new country cottage and slowly pour their lavish taste into the building has really whet my appetite for the indoors. Next week when I visit I will have to take some photos of what they've begun doing to the house. Nothing inside is on trend in anyway, which makes it completely timeless. There's a real feel from my mum's side of bringing nature into the house. I'm not just talking about plant pots. I'm talking small dead branches with fairy lights woven into them, lampshades made of dried twigs. The lot.
I would love to have a bedroom like this:
Nothing better than that shade of purple.
Not a huge minimalist fan, but I do like those bedrooms that are quite low down too, like beds on low wooden crate slats. This was an image I've kept for a while, it's a little colder than I'd like but it's a basis of a theme within the space.
Till next year I have to keep on with my room, dark wood and all. I do miss having a window without a netted curtain but it feels like home to me.
Watching my parents move to their new country cottage and slowly pour their lavish taste into the building has really whet my appetite for the indoors. Next week when I visit I will have to take some photos of what they've begun doing to the house. Nothing inside is on trend in anyway, which makes it completely timeless. There's a real feel from my mum's side of bringing nature into the house. I'm not just talking about plant pots. I'm talking small dead branches with fairy lights woven into them, lampshades made of dried twigs. The lot.
I would love to have a bedroom like this:
Nothing better than that shade of purple.
Not a huge minimalist fan, but I do like those bedrooms that are quite low down too, like beds on low wooden crate slats. This was an image I've kept for a while, it's a little colder than I'd like but it's a basis of a theme within the space.
Till next year I have to keep on with my room, dark wood and all. I do miss having a window without a netted curtain but it feels like home to me.
Tuesday 7 October 2014
Here's an old draft I found... 2013
Here is my post it board of stressy things. I am currently working my way through "Tidy Room" but it doesn't seem to be going well...
To commemorate our final day tomorrow, I thought I'd do one of those imaginary posts about a made up day. A typical day at South Wilts.
"POPPY ARE YOU UP?" I groan as I here Dad yelling and realise I am devastatingly late for the 6000th time. Fucks sake.
"Yeah" I yell convincingly back as if I've been doing yoga for 3 hours.
I know exactly what is going to happen now. I will roll over, see that it's five to eight, panic, smash into the mirror sit up and see my face, get annoyed at my face, fall out of bed, put on an outfit which is going to make me feel cool until I step out the house. No breakfast. No lunch packed. No make up.
And am I right? Of course I am. This happens. In amongst this are texts from all the "Harnham Crew" checking if I am walking. I am in a foul mood.
Emily arrives at my house five minutes late and we reach James who is even later. We reach Rosa who is panicking that we've walked on without her. I am grumpy. So I ignore everyone else's optimism and just complain about how shit everything is. We get to Emma at the bridge, and accurately in this time I've managed to be a bitch to each one of the walkers. So now it's Emma's turn to hear about how fucking annoyed I am.
We get to school with seconds to spare, hold all of Rosa's stuff as she ties up her laces and wait for Emily to pull her skirt down before we walk past Stamdawg. She scolds us for being late and we all give her death looks.
I go up to registration and manage to convince my tutor into letting me off going to assembly. 'If any higher staff come in, I'll look sad and we just tell them I was having an emotional melt down?'
Get to my first lesson, if I have one. Basically I'm either asleep on the desk or on the common room sofa. My class civ teacher thinks I've got problems because I keep sleeping in her lessons. Really it's because I was up till 4am last night doing an essay for her.
Try not to annoy anyone over lunch by walking into the wrong social circle... god forbid I should get the South Wilts bitch face thrown at me again. I'll eat a packet of crunchy nut from Waitrose next to Bex and Ollie and catch up on the gossip or just take ugly pictures of myself on their phones when they're in the toilet.
Trundle through whatever my last lesson is of that day and then walk home, normally by myself. If I'm not by myself I'm going along with my iPod in and head down in case anyone else wants to walk with me. I don't think anyone else needs to handle my mock sarcasm for the rest of the day. I've learnt that if you say how you really feel but do it in a sarcky tone - people laugh.
Arrive home to an empty house... I don't know where my parents are as per. Which means I get to watch tv and eat nutella pancakes as quick as I can before they're back.
Wednesday 1 October 2014
Downer
Coming back from travel has been the weirdest phase of my life. You've spent five months trekking across the globe. You've learnt to use sunglasses as tweezers and what the best way to wash your pants in the shower is. You're meeting the most inspirational go-getters from every country in the world. All you want while you're out there, is to run back into your families arms, have a bath and eat something with good cheese in it. And then it's completely not how you expect.
For the last two weeks of my trip, I was incredibly ill and exhausted. I had been on antibiotics for 4 days for a reoccurring problem over three and a half months, followed by a 22 hour bus journey that made me throw up all night, and then I arrived at altitude and got the worst altitude sickness I have ever had. This was just before my 4 day trek up to Macchu Pichu, which meant I was sick during my time and it made it very difficult. The fabulous landmark and the optimism of my team was a huge lift - I forgot for a minute that the only thing I can eat without being sick is crisps - the view was phenomenal and my group were the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with.
Then it was my last country, Brazil. I was chuffed to see an old friend, but counting down the days, desperate to get home. I went into a Macdonalds and tried to order a chicken burger in Portugese - I came out with a Mango Smoothie. It was going well. It got to the point where I was counting down the minutes and minus-ing off each minute that passed. All I could do was play the image of coming through the gate and seeing my parents and my boyfriend again. With my birthday the day after my return it was hugely exciting to be so close to the end.
One eleven and a half hour flight back, I was crying at one point I was so excited, I was constantly looking out my window and checking the time. Then I arrived, and I ran so fast I overtook the 1st class people from my flight just to be out first. After the big collapse into them again I was so shocked, it felt surreal to be back with them again.
It's funny how crazy that moment seems and then ten minutes later you're discussing what's going to happen next Tuesday to the dogs and it's like you've never been gone. You're expecting people to ask you what happened and to tell them everything about it and they don't. Because everyone has been getting on with their own lives, no one is really desperate to hear about your story.
I'm not annoyed at all, but it was the weirdest thing. Life descends back to reality and after a couple of days of feeling like you've missed out on loads it's just the same as it always was. The sad part is I came back with so much zest for life and I was so excited to get stuff done. That all faded away when I was back. It felt very draining. But now I am at university and I have made such good friends already. I feel right at home and my course is going to be great fun, so I am happy now. I just found that side of my return very interesting; how quickly we acclimatise again, and you aren't an individual to anyone but yourself really. Hell can you tell the difference between people who took a year out and people who didn't though... at least I have that smug maturity.
For the last two weeks of my trip, I was incredibly ill and exhausted. I had been on antibiotics for 4 days for a reoccurring problem over three and a half months, followed by a 22 hour bus journey that made me throw up all night, and then I arrived at altitude and got the worst altitude sickness I have ever had. This was just before my 4 day trek up to Macchu Pichu, which meant I was sick during my time and it made it very difficult. The fabulous landmark and the optimism of my team was a huge lift - I forgot for a minute that the only thing I can eat without being sick is crisps - the view was phenomenal and my group were the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with.
Then it was my last country, Brazil. I was chuffed to see an old friend, but counting down the days, desperate to get home. I went into a Macdonalds and tried to order a chicken burger in Portugese - I came out with a Mango Smoothie. It was going well. It got to the point where I was counting down the minutes and minus-ing off each minute that passed. All I could do was play the image of coming through the gate and seeing my parents and my boyfriend again. With my birthday the day after my return it was hugely exciting to be so close to the end.
One eleven and a half hour flight back, I was crying at one point I was so excited, I was constantly looking out my window and checking the time. Then I arrived, and I ran so fast I overtook the 1st class people from my flight just to be out first. After the big collapse into them again I was so shocked, it felt surreal to be back with them again.
It's funny how crazy that moment seems and then ten minutes later you're discussing what's going to happen next Tuesday to the dogs and it's like you've never been gone. You're expecting people to ask you what happened and to tell them everything about it and they don't. Because everyone has been getting on with their own lives, no one is really desperate to hear about your story.
I'm not annoyed at all, but it was the weirdest thing. Life descends back to reality and after a couple of days of feeling like you've missed out on loads it's just the same as it always was. The sad part is I came back with so much zest for life and I was so excited to get stuff done. That all faded away when I was back. It felt very draining. But now I am at university and I have made such good friends already. I feel right at home and my course is going to be great fun, so I am happy now. I just found that side of my return very interesting; how quickly we acclimatise again, and you aren't an individual to anyone but yourself really. Hell can you tell the difference between people who took a year out and people who didn't though... at least I have that smug maturity.
Monday 8 September 2014
Doobie
I've been growing pretty frustrated recently on the hold drugs has been having on people my age. It's not the act of breaking the law or the defects it has on their body, that's their burden to bear. It's the complete disregard for anyone close to them and how it may affect those important people. It's not taking responsibility for the fact that you are putting people around you at major risk of getting in deep shit. And the people who are looking out for you, it's shitting on their outstretched hand.
How many friends am I going to lose to drugs? They seem to be a pretty good way of separating the friends who never cared about you anyway from the friends that do.
How many friends am I going to lose to drugs? They seem to be a pretty good way of separating the friends who never cared about you anyway from the friends that do.
Sunday 7 September 2014
No Thanks
This past week I spent two days in Aberdeen, two days in Wales and two days in London with two friends who happen to live in opposite ends of the country. Whilst I was up in Scotland I was hearing a lot about their Referendum that's coming up so soon. It's practically the only subject in conversation in the north. On the second night we went out in Aberdeen and met some people in a club and got chatting, as you do.
This next conversation represented clearly to me what I believe is a huge and really frightening problem evolving as a result of social media - or rather, the ease in the gain and spread of information nowadays. One particular girl I spoke to told me quite openly that she was going to vote 'Yes'. She then said to me, that the only reason she had decided on this was because 'wages will increase'.
(In the Scottish Government's words this was put as: 'ensuring that the minimum wage rises in line with inflation' a grand promise)
If you think for a minute about this statement, which has obviously been pumped out of Alex Salmond's campaigners, how on Earth are they going to guarantee that wages will go up. Scotland doesn't have a fully working government yet, on who's calculator was that phrase legitimised? It is such a vague and unconfirmed claim, for a country who do not yet have a running system and cannot yet have worked out the unforeseen costings that will come with their separation from Britain.
Don't get me wrong, if Scotland wants to leave then I think it's a deep loss for us, but they must go if it's their wish. However, if people are basing their vote on such absolute gossip and vague ideas, then it will result in regret and a complete mess. Their first government will have lied to them, or guessed figures to please people. That wouldn't be a fantastic start.
It's part of a wider problem I believe has been breached out of the lazy way we can now encounter news and gain national and international information. People generally will hear one comment from someone they know and that will become gospel. I know myself, that I've passionately repeated something I've heard on the grapevine as the ultimate truth, when it's occurred in conversation elsewhere, at a later date. To me, people seem rather vicious and aggressive about things they just don't know fully about or even understand before they back it.
I am trying now to research and check my information before I go parading it as the absolute truth. We should be balanced and if we care about something, we should research and get our facts from more reliable sources.
Recently, I wrote an aggressive article as an English experiment; I wanted to create something vicious and see what the reaction was. I sent it to my family and very quickly had a venomous email returned by one of my brothers, who was furious I had made such huge comparisons and broad statements without knowing anything on topic. He was right, but it was also just an experiment, I was at that moment in a hostel in Mexico with patchy wifi and only Spanish literature, which makes researching your point quite difficult. Interestingly, as he'd sort of been provoked, he then made huge stereotypes about the people I'd spoken to and the origin of the opinions listed. He was trying to deter me away from doing something that he then himself did, as he was so angry. So the circle goes on.
We cannot possibly know the truth about many, many things that go on in the world. I suspect that a great deal of what we hear is bent slightly or an outright lie. So I urge people to think before they back something and to use common sense when thinking about important decisions, seeing as we are now eligible for voting and I daresay with our attitude that could be a scary prospect.
This next conversation represented clearly to me what I believe is a huge and really frightening problem evolving as a result of social media - or rather, the ease in the gain and spread of information nowadays. One particular girl I spoke to told me quite openly that she was going to vote 'Yes'. She then said to me, that the only reason she had decided on this was because 'wages will increase'.
(In the Scottish Government's words this was put as: 'ensuring that the minimum wage rises in line with inflation' a grand promise)
If you think for a minute about this statement, which has obviously been pumped out of Alex Salmond's campaigners, how on Earth are they going to guarantee that wages will go up. Scotland doesn't have a fully working government yet, on who's calculator was that phrase legitimised? It is such a vague and unconfirmed claim, for a country who do not yet have a running system and cannot yet have worked out the unforeseen costings that will come with their separation from Britain.
Don't get me wrong, if Scotland wants to leave then I think it's a deep loss for us, but they must go if it's their wish. However, if people are basing their vote on such absolute gossip and vague ideas, then it will result in regret and a complete mess. Their first government will have lied to them, or guessed figures to please people. That wouldn't be a fantastic start.
It's part of a wider problem I believe has been breached out of the lazy way we can now encounter news and gain national and international information. People generally will hear one comment from someone they know and that will become gospel. I know myself, that I've passionately repeated something I've heard on the grapevine as the ultimate truth, when it's occurred in conversation elsewhere, at a later date. To me, people seem rather vicious and aggressive about things they just don't know fully about or even understand before they back it.
I am trying now to research and check my information before I go parading it as the absolute truth. We should be balanced and if we care about something, we should research and get our facts from more reliable sources.
Recently, I wrote an aggressive article as an English experiment; I wanted to create something vicious and see what the reaction was. I sent it to my family and very quickly had a venomous email returned by one of my brothers, who was furious I had made such huge comparisons and broad statements without knowing anything on topic. He was right, but it was also just an experiment, I was at that moment in a hostel in Mexico with patchy wifi and only Spanish literature, which makes researching your point quite difficult. Interestingly, as he'd sort of been provoked, he then made huge stereotypes about the people I'd spoken to and the origin of the opinions listed. He was trying to deter me away from doing something that he then himself did, as he was so angry. So the circle goes on.
We cannot possibly know the truth about many, many things that go on in the world. I suspect that a great deal of what we hear is bent slightly or an outright lie. So I urge people to think before they back something and to use common sense when thinking about important decisions, seeing as we are now eligible for voting and I daresay with our attitude that could be a scary prospect.
Friday 1 August 2014
Gapping
For a while now I've wanted to do a follow up post just to reassure everyone, you wouldn't believe how many people actually contacted me giving me advice and spurring me on. I think that's always nice, when you see how much people really care for you. At the time I wrote it, because of the time change everyone I really needed to speak to was asleep and I was in bits. The main reason I posted it was because I wanted some reassurance there and then. Possibly I'd call that attention seeking... Partly I also wanted it as a memoir as well.
The day after that post, I was sat in my hostel frustrated that no one was talking. I caught eyes with an American girl and got chatting, and her Australian friend came over and said she'd heard me crying on FaceTime to my parents and that I was saying things she felt and she tried to find me after but I'd gone. After that one day with people it snowballed, I was with someone day and evening for the rest of my time in LA. As soon as that happened, I forced myself to stay by booking tickets and trips for my time in America. My thinking was each time I'm in a new place I should make the most of that, because I may never be back and I have the tickets booked and I'm here now. Then I just have to get on the next flight.
My aim over the next year is to write a book of my journey. I kept a small notepad which has an outline of what we did each day, people we met. I've tried to soak in as much as I possibly can.
For me this experience has been more about it's consequences than its actual experience, if you catch my drift. This has been the most incredible year, totally made up for those lousy years in sixth form. I had the most fun week ever in France. During my whole time at South Wilts, I never made friends in an easy way, it always took time. As soon as I arrived in the Alps, I was sat on a sofa with a bunch of strangers. The woman running the course read out my name with two others and we nodded at each other shyly. We were put in a room and a team together and it took about an hour for me to realise I had made two of the best friends I think I will ever have, that was an incredible feeling. No one had as much fun as we did that week and I'm so excited to still be going to see them soon.
My parents and I had become an impenetrable unit and were torn apart by their move. I can still remember the evening I was moving out to two doors down, holding my parents and all three of us sobbing. They are my best friends too and I miss them so much right now. Knowing that I will always have that love and support to go back to makes me feel so grateful, especially having seen the unkindness and hearing the stories of others who weren't so lucky around the world.
At the beginning of this academic year I told myself enough was enough, no more pissing around with boys and being an obvious loon about it. I was working seven days a week, travelling and then going to university. There will be no time for any boys. Inevitably once you think something like that, what happens? You land yourself in a serious relationship - my first ever. That was hugely terrifying; the only reason we went for a drink in the first place was so I could say it was too awkward and we should just be friends. However after a few whiskeys I completely forgot my prepared speech and now look where I am.
That brought massive stress to me as well because I had these feelings I'd never had before, I was working early and then waiting up late till James got home from work and waking early to head to work again every day, it exhausted both of us. Many people are surprised that any couple can come out the other end of travelling and be stronger for it. I cried like a baby saying goodbye to James at the airport. What a fantastic journey that's proving to be as well.
Being away has also made me appreciate the friends I have at home, new and old. I feel really close to so many people even being away. Sometimes it takes space to see who is important. I remember when Barney went away this year that I missed him more than I thought I would. I miss Ollie massively, I miss Jessie, Georgina, heaps of people. My brother's gorgeous girlfriend Charlie who I feel super close to now as well, like a big sister. And people I wasn't so close too as well. I'm excited to be going to university with someone from the past I'd lost touch with.
Right now I have 18 days left. I'm in Lima, which is pretty quiet. Then I have to trek Machu Picchu which will be interesting seeing as today I've just bought a course of some dodgy antibiotics without a prescription and using screenshots from google translate... But it'll be one hell of an experience. Then finally I have five days in Brazil, where I'm meeting someone very important from my past. I'm so looking forward to seeing a familiar face out here - people kept saying to me 'you're only 24 hours away from us' that's too far sometimes. So that will give me the boost I need to finish this.
I am gagging to get home, and hand on heart if someone told me I was coming home tomorrow I'd be so glad. But what I am getting from this trip more than anything is the inspiration of what to do when I'm home. Being in California made me want to help homeless people, my god it's sad how the richest country in the world can't keep more people off the street and safe. Reading Stephen Fry's autobiography has made me want to study like crazy and I cannot wait to get a job and start writing.
And I tell you what, for all the people who haven't travelled, the one thing I've taken away strongest is that I absolutely love my country, my culture, my food, the people at home. You don't know what you've got till it's gone and for everyone who still says England is 'crap' you should really not take it for granted. The poorest people in our country have benefits and rights like nowhere else I've seen - even America. We have a beautiful country and amazing culture. We should be really proud of that, I am.
The day after that post, I was sat in my hostel frustrated that no one was talking. I caught eyes with an American girl and got chatting, and her Australian friend came over and said she'd heard me crying on FaceTime to my parents and that I was saying things she felt and she tried to find me after but I'd gone. After that one day with people it snowballed, I was with someone day and evening for the rest of my time in LA. As soon as that happened, I forced myself to stay by booking tickets and trips for my time in America. My thinking was each time I'm in a new place I should make the most of that, because I may never be back and I have the tickets booked and I'm here now. Then I just have to get on the next flight.
My aim over the next year is to write a book of my journey. I kept a small notepad which has an outline of what we did each day, people we met. I've tried to soak in as much as I possibly can.
For me this experience has been more about it's consequences than its actual experience, if you catch my drift. This has been the most incredible year, totally made up for those lousy years in sixth form. I had the most fun week ever in France. During my whole time at South Wilts, I never made friends in an easy way, it always took time. As soon as I arrived in the Alps, I was sat on a sofa with a bunch of strangers. The woman running the course read out my name with two others and we nodded at each other shyly. We were put in a room and a team together and it took about an hour for me to realise I had made two of the best friends I think I will ever have, that was an incredible feeling. No one had as much fun as we did that week and I'm so excited to still be going to see them soon.
My parents and I had become an impenetrable unit and were torn apart by their move. I can still remember the evening I was moving out to two doors down, holding my parents and all three of us sobbing. They are my best friends too and I miss them so much right now. Knowing that I will always have that love and support to go back to makes me feel so grateful, especially having seen the unkindness and hearing the stories of others who weren't so lucky around the world.
At the beginning of this academic year I told myself enough was enough, no more pissing around with boys and being an obvious loon about it. I was working seven days a week, travelling and then going to university. There will be no time for any boys. Inevitably once you think something like that, what happens? You land yourself in a serious relationship - my first ever. That was hugely terrifying; the only reason we went for a drink in the first place was so I could say it was too awkward and we should just be friends. However after a few whiskeys I completely forgot my prepared speech and now look where I am.
That brought massive stress to me as well because I had these feelings I'd never had before, I was working early and then waiting up late till James got home from work and waking early to head to work again every day, it exhausted both of us. Many people are surprised that any couple can come out the other end of travelling and be stronger for it. I cried like a baby saying goodbye to James at the airport. What a fantastic journey that's proving to be as well.
Being away has also made me appreciate the friends I have at home, new and old. I feel really close to so many people even being away. Sometimes it takes space to see who is important. I remember when Barney went away this year that I missed him more than I thought I would. I miss Ollie massively, I miss Jessie, Georgina, heaps of people. My brother's gorgeous girlfriend Charlie who I feel super close to now as well, like a big sister. And people I wasn't so close too as well. I'm excited to be going to university with someone from the past I'd lost touch with.
Right now I have 18 days left. I'm in Lima, which is pretty quiet. Then I have to trek Machu Picchu which will be interesting seeing as today I've just bought a course of some dodgy antibiotics without a prescription and using screenshots from google translate... But it'll be one hell of an experience. Then finally I have five days in Brazil, where I'm meeting someone very important from my past. I'm so looking forward to seeing a familiar face out here - people kept saying to me 'you're only 24 hours away from us' that's too far sometimes. So that will give me the boost I need to finish this.
I am gagging to get home, and hand on heart if someone told me I was coming home tomorrow I'd be so glad. But what I am getting from this trip more than anything is the inspiration of what to do when I'm home. Being in California made me want to help homeless people, my god it's sad how the richest country in the world can't keep more people off the street and safe. Reading Stephen Fry's autobiography has made me want to study like crazy and I cannot wait to get a job and start writing.
And I tell you what, for all the people who haven't travelled, the one thing I've taken away strongest is that I absolutely love my country, my culture, my food, the people at home. You don't know what you've got till it's gone and for everyone who still says England is 'crap' you should really not take it for granted. The poorest people in our country have benefits and rights like nowhere else I've seen - even America. We have a beautiful country and amazing culture. We should be really proud of that, I am.
Wednesday 9 July 2014
Cheer Up
Thought I'd post to let everyone know how I'm doing, seeing as I selfishly made everybody at home panic. I feel very bad for that, sorry. The last couple of days it's generally taken me about 3 hours to message everyone back and email people back at the end of each day! Thanks to everyone who's been sending me paragraphs.
You'd be surprised to know that the messages I've had have been very mixed, which is interesting. The majority of people have been messaging me to say keep going for fucks sake! You'll never get this opportunity again blah di blah... The other reaction has been the people who went travelling, felt the same and did go home, saying they know I must feel pressured and to know that there's no shame or regret in coming home early. The only person who would be disappointed and never forgive me, is me. Annoyingly, I can't get away from myself.
Both sides of the argument have helped me heaps, just amazed by how many awesome people have approached me about it. When I was feeling lowest, my parents were in bed because of the time difference and James was on a plane and I couldn't get hold of anyone. So I was a mess and I remembered that this venting helps me and so I posted the last piece. Thanks to all the people who've contacted me and helped me. I never really have had to do this alone, because I have all the people I love backing me up. Couldn't do it without that support.
Last night some really cool girls started chatting to me and today we all went out to lunch together. It was such a relief, when you've been in a hostel where literally EVERYONE (myself included) is sat on their phones and laptops, and you're thinking why are you all here then?! Then when someone gets talking to you it's just the best, after feeling so lonely.
The worst part is being away from James, we've all been on holidays with friends where after a few days you're pissing each other off. James and I had our moments, but we agreed on pretty much everything and he was a massive support to me when I was feeling low or missing home. Back home when we were working we saw each other every day, and we had been with each other constantly for 4 months. It made us very very close and being away from that person now? It's like having a limb removed. Most of the time I forget and expect him to come back from the toilet. Or I wake up expecting to see his face. It's just weird to have to be yourself all by yourself again.
I've booked some stuff to keep me busy and am looking at volunteering in Mexico for when I'm there, to keep me here.
For anyone who has not been travelling, you cannot imagine how surprisingly stressful it is. You have to think constantly about where I'm staying, where am I eating, how much can I afford to spend on that, how do I get there... Etc etc. It's mad. And the lugging your stuff around constantly? Christ it's hard work.
I'm still having moments of being sad to be away, but definitely feel like I'm seeing the perks.
You'd be surprised to know that the messages I've had have been very mixed, which is interesting. The majority of people have been messaging me to say keep going for fucks sake! You'll never get this opportunity again blah di blah... The other reaction has been the people who went travelling, felt the same and did go home, saying they know I must feel pressured and to know that there's no shame or regret in coming home early. The only person who would be disappointed and never forgive me, is me. Annoyingly, I can't get away from myself.
Both sides of the argument have helped me heaps, just amazed by how many awesome people have approached me about it. When I was feeling lowest, my parents were in bed because of the time difference and James was on a plane and I couldn't get hold of anyone. So I was a mess and I remembered that this venting helps me and so I posted the last piece. Thanks to all the people who've contacted me and helped me. I never really have had to do this alone, because I have all the people I love backing me up. Couldn't do it without that support.
Last night some really cool girls started chatting to me and today we all went out to lunch together. It was such a relief, when you've been in a hostel where literally EVERYONE (myself included) is sat on their phones and laptops, and you're thinking why are you all here then?! Then when someone gets talking to you it's just the best, after feeling so lonely.
The worst part is being away from James, we've all been on holidays with friends where after a few days you're pissing each other off. James and I had our moments, but we agreed on pretty much everything and he was a massive support to me when I was feeling low or missing home. Back home when we were working we saw each other every day, and we had been with each other constantly for 4 months. It made us very very close and being away from that person now? It's like having a limb removed. Most of the time I forget and expect him to come back from the toilet. Or I wake up expecting to see his face. It's just weird to have to be yourself all by yourself again.
I've booked some stuff to keep me busy and am looking at volunteering in Mexico for when I'm there, to keep me here.
For anyone who has not been travelling, you cannot imagine how surprisingly stressful it is. You have to think constantly about where I'm staying, where am I eating, how much can I afford to spend on that, how do I get there... Etc etc. It's mad. And the lugging your stuff around constantly? Christ it's hard work.
I'm still having moments of being sad to be away, but definitely feel like I'm seeing the perks.
Monday 7 July 2014
Travel Hell
I have been away from home now for just over three months. Yesterday, James left and went home. He gets into London in about 45 minutes in fact, after a gruelling 33 hours in transit, Fiji to Hong Kong, to Doha, to London.
I haven't loved travelling. It is exhausting and stressful, and I have been pretty home sick the whole time. Now that James is at home with my family as well, it's become unbearable. Tonight I am in one of those hostel rooms where no one talks, so I ate alone and spent the night alone. I was hassled by some bearded arse in Macdonalds (Classic American culture, I had to go there to eat).
When I got into bed earlier I just feel hugely out of place. I would give anything to be going home right now, I am so tempted to book the next flight out. he annoying thing is knowing if I do I will really regret it. But anywhere I walk to or spent time in I just feel like I can't breath and I'm deeply unhappy.
I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I won't feel that, and after a couple of days I'll be thinking oh my god I nearly threw it all in! But right now the massive depressive well in the pit of my stomach, lying across my lungs and making my breathing short, it is so so depressing that I feel like I cannot cope. That I have to leave.
This is the nastiest feeling I have ever had. Not only the sadness, but the sheer disappointment in myself for not being able to cope. It's broken my heart just a little.
I haven't loved travelling. It is exhausting and stressful, and I have been pretty home sick the whole time. Now that James is at home with my family as well, it's become unbearable. Tonight I am in one of those hostel rooms where no one talks, so I ate alone and spent the night alone. I was hassled by some bearded arse in Macdonalds (Classic American culture, I had to go there to eat).
When I got into bed earlier I just feel hugely out of place. I would give anything to be going home right now, I am so tempted to book the next flight out. he annoying thing is knowing if I do I will really regret it. But anywhere I walk to or spent time in I just feel like I can't breath and I'm deeply unhappy.
I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I won't feel that, and after a couple of days I'll be thinking oh my god I nearly threw it all in! But right now the massive depressive well in the pit of my stomach, lying across my lungs and making my breathing short, it is so so depressing that I feel like I cannot cope. That I have to leave.
This is the nastiest feeling I have ever had. Not only the sadness, but the sheer disappointment in myself for not being able to cope. It's broken my heart just a little.
Sunday 6 April 2014
I am posting from 6000km away from home, in a hotel in Hue in Vietnam on a lazy day.
So far there has been no diarrhoea and no vomit which is great news. AND my lunch today cost 68p. Suck on that.
We arrived on Wednesday, I had to wait for 9 hours for Bache at the airport, arriving at midnight English time, so I spent a lot of time sleeping hugging my bag to me at the airport. Anyway he finally arrived and we got in a taxi and went to our hostel. Hanoi is literally mental. To cross the road, you have to just go and stuff moves around you, it's terrifying.
Also there are NO rules, you give way to no one. Everyone just joins the road, and then we got to a roundabout and I thought, okay, this'll be where that rule comes into play. NO. You just JOIN the roundabout. In a massive bus.
I digress. I do not believe Hanoi is an attractive place, but it was good fun. We've done Halong Bay and got the night bus to Hue where we arrived this morning. It's calmer here, we like it. And we barely slept last night thanks to the Asian guy who snored like no other noise on the planet so we are shattered.
Off for a nap now.
So far there has been no diarrhoea and no vomit which is great news. AND my lunch today cost 68p. Suck on that.
We arrived on Wednesday, I had to wait for 9 hours for Bache at the airport, arriving at midnight English time, so I spent a lot of time sleeping hugging my bag to me at the airport. Anyway he finally arrived and we got in a taxi and went to our hostel. Hanoi is literally mental. To cross the road, you have to just go and stuff moves around you, it's terrifying.
Also there are NO rules, you give way to no one. Everyone just joins the road, and then we got to a roundabout and I thought, okay, this'll be where that rule comes into play. NO. You just JOIN the roundabout. In a massive bus.
I digress. I do not believe Hanoi is an attractive place, but it was good fun. We've done Halong Bay and got the night bus to Hue where we arrived this morning. It's calmer here, we like it. And we barely slept last night thanks to the Asian guy who snored like no other noise on the planet so we are shattered.
Off for a nap now.
Sunday 30 March 2014
My Adventure
Tomorrow I leave for Gatwick. I'll spend a night at a Travel Lodge with Mum, who will be fussing and fretting about everything. Then I'll be flying on Tuesday at 1:10 to Hanoi, where 9 hours later I'll be waiting for Bache's arrival.
Fuck.
People keep asking if I'm ready; I never know whether they mean have I packed, or am I ready culturally. Right now, the answer is neither. I can't finishing packing until I've brushed my teeth the last time. And of course I am not culturally ready. The most different place 'culturally' I've ever been to was Malia for gods sake. No I am not 'ready'.
But I'm not scared. I'm not scared because this year I turned into one of those people that does stuff rather than just floats through life. All of a sudden this momentum and drive came to me that I'd never had before, probably because school is so strictly organised that it happens for you, and then it stops and you have to create your life yourself. Otherwise you're sat with dirty dishes around you watching series 8 of Friends and it's only been 6 days since you start the omnibus... not how I wanted to spend my year.
I received, in the past few days a most extraordinary letter from my eldest brother which I think could be one of the most important documents I'll ever hold onto. It will have the power to keep me going at the points where I long to be coming home in the next 5 months, so I am taking it with me.
Anyway. Now I have to go and pack and stuff. So more later.
Fuck.
People keep asking if I'm ready; I never know whether they mean have I packed, or am I ready culturally. Right now, the answer is neither. I can't finishing packing until I've brushed my teeth the last time. And of course I am not culturally ready. The most different place 'culturally' I've ever been to was Malia for gods sake. No I am not 'ready'.
But I'm not scared. I'm not scared because this year I turned into one of those people that does stuff rather than just floats through life. All of a sudden this momentum and drive came to me that I'd never had before, probably because school is so strictly organised that it happens for you, and then it stops and you have to create your life yourself. Otherwise you're sat with dirty dishes around you watching series 8 of Friends and it's only been 6 days since you start the omnibus... not how I wanted to spend my year.
I received, in the past few days a most extraordinary letter from my eldest brother which I think could be one of the most important documents I'll ever hold onto. It will have the power to keep me going at the points where I long to be coming home in the next 5 months, so I am taking it with me.
Anyway. Now I have to go and pack and stuff. So more later.
Friday 28 February 2014
Salisbury
I used to absolutely hate Salisbury. My first problem was knowing people working in the Cathedral for a while, and I grew to despise the self-righteous way the organisation was run. I felt, and still do, that the narrow mindedness of our 'city' was completely based around that bloody building. It's amazing how we are given something stunning to care for and we manage to make it into this exclusive club which says it is just 'protecting' the structure. So frustrating.
Other aspects I despised were the falseness of Salisbury; we live in this ironically un-cultured place in our little middle class white person bubble and it's boring. It was also the snobbery of South Wilts and Bishops, the two grammar schools. Now, I absolutely adored my first five years at South Wilts, but by the time you get the kids into the final two years for some reason everyone thinks we are the premium people. Kids swanning around and acting like we are at a private school and being horrendously segregated from one another. Because we are all so similar, the criteria drawn up in between groups was so petty. I absolutely hated sixth form, it was the most miserable two years of my school life and I'm not afraid to say that now.
I never had a set group of friends, I was more of a floater. God forbid I set foot in the middle circle though, to talk to Georgina or Jessie. Any of you reading this from sixth form at SWGS, you have to agree with this. When I made friends with some people from the year above, I felt like I was made to feel incredibly guilty by people in my year, because I was trying, because I was punching above my weight, because I was obsessed with them. I had to have conversations trying to justify why I spent any time with them and it drove me mad. Thank god when it ended, then people were saying 'Remember when you tried to get in with the year above?' Horrific behaviour.
BUT. I am not in South Wilts anymore, and I am not inside the Cathedral. Salisbury has become a beautiful city to me. Rolling hills, ten minute drive into the countryside, on route to London, to the sea, good shopping and good people. Once I was free from school, I fell in love with the place I live in. We complain, but there is nowhere in the country so safe, stunning and with so many options. We are so lucky to have all of that in one place.
It occurred to me the other day, that this time next week I won't live in Salisbury again. I go to Wales before I go travelling, then I'm out of the country for 5 months and then I come back to Wales and move to Reading. I feel quite emotional to be leaving, I have had a great childhood here and good employment.
The world is a big place though, and now I can get out into it. You don't realise how great it will be when you step outside those school gates. There are opportunities you wouldn't ever believe and they're yours to choose from.
Other aspects I despised were the falseness of Salisbury; we live in this ironically un-cultured place in our little middle class white person bubble and it's boring. It was also the snobbery of South Wilts and Bishops, the two grammar schools. Now, I absolutely adored my first five years at South Wilts, but by the time you get the kids into the final two years for some reason everyone thinks we are the premium people. Kids swanning around and acting like we are at a private school and being horrendously segregated from one another. Because we are all so similar, the criteria drawn up in between groups was so petty. I absolutely hated sixth form, it was the most miserable two years of my school life and I'm not afraid to say that now.
I never had a set group of friends, I was more of a floater. God forbid I set foot in the middle circle though, to talk to Georgina or Jessie. Any of you reading this from sixth form at SWGS, you have to agree with this. When I made friends with some people from the year above, I felt like I was made to feel incredibly guilty by people in my year, because I was trying, because I was punching above my weight, because I was obsessed with them. I had to have conversations trying to justify why I spent any time with them and it drove me mad. Thank god when it ended, then people were saying 'Remember when you tried to get in with the year above?' Horrific behaviour.
BUT. I am not in South Wilts anymore, and I am not inside the Cathedral. Salisbury has become a beautiful city to me. Rolling hills, ten minute drive into the countryside, on route to London, to the sea, good shopping and good people. Once I was free from school, I fell in love with the place I live in. We complain, but there is nowhere in the country so safe, stunning and with so many options. We are so lucky to have all of that in one place.
It occurred to me the other day, that this time next week I won't live in Salisbury again. I go to Wales before I go travelling, then I'm out of the country for 5 months and then I come back to Wales and move to Reading. I feel quite emotional to be leaving, I have had a great childhood here and good employment.
The world is a big place though, and now I can get out into it. You don't realise how great it will be when you step outside those school gates. There are opportunities you wouldn't ever believe and they're yours to choose from.
Saturday 22 February 2014
I've been silent on here for a while, I suppose because I've been thinking about my future, and my feelings about this have changed. As they should, and will continue to do. The main reason I haven't posted anything in a while is because the lovely James Bache read it (somehow) and he told me it was boring because he wasn't mentioned on it anywhere. Dickhead.
I have just seven days of work left, my last shift in 2 years, 4 months at L'occitane, which I am feeling extremely sad about. They have been such good employers to me and I will miss the products so much!
Of course the biggest thing ever in my life so far, the most daunting challenge I have had to undertake is going to begin on the first of April. For those who aren't aware, I will be catching a flight to Hanoi. Bache's flight doesn't get in for a good 9 hours after mine. I can picture two possibilities, a) me arriving, getting into a taxi to go to central Hanoi, being taken miles from anywhere and mugged because it was a phony taxi company, being lost, eating some pizza from a mysterious van and suddenly feeling unwell. Bache will then have to arrive, find me and sort me out. Or, option b) sitting with a large bar of toblerone anxiously watching everyone around me and reading a book for 9 hours.
Anyway, I have a 5 month journey ahead of me then. What am I most scared about? Being with someone every moment of every day for 3 months is what I'm afraid of. I think that's understandable. When I booked this trip, I was going to be an independent girl taking the guts to go alone and grow up. Now the whole trip has changed it's image in my head. I'm relieved and excited, don't get me wrong. But I have niggling thoughts: what if we argue, what if I annoy him too much, what if we don't want to do the same things. But we'll just have to see.
I have just seven days of work left, my last shift in 2 years, 4 months at L'occitane, which I am feeling extremely sad about. They have been such good employers to me and I will miss the products so much!
Of course the biggest thing ever in my life so far, the most daunting challenge I have had to undertake is going to begin on the first of April. For those who aren't aware, I will be catching a flight to Hanoi. Bache's flight doesn't get in for a good 9 hours after mine. I can picture two possibilities, a) me arriving, getting into a taxi to go to central Hanoi, being taken miles from anywhere and mugged because it was a phony taxi company, being lost, eating some pizza from a mysterious van and suddenly feeling unwell. Bache will then have to arrive, find me and sort me out. Or, option b) sitting with a large bar of toblerone anxiously watching everyone around me and reading a book for 9 hours.
Anyway, I have a 5 month journey ahead of me then. What am I most scared about? Being with someone every moment of every day for 3 months is what I'm afraid of. I think that's understandable. When I booked this trip, I was going to be an independent girl taking the guts to go alone and grow up. Now the whole trip has changed it's image in my head. I'm relieved and excited, don't get me wrong. But I have niggling thoughts: what if we argue, what if I annoy him too much, what if we don't want to do the same things. But we'll just have to see.
Friday 24 January 2014
Developments
Apologies that it has been so long since I have done any writing here. I have been super busy with organising my travel plans. Today for example, I have spent £700 on a trekking trip to Machu Picchu and got angry with confused.com for constantly shutting down my insurance page.
Much is as always, changing. I can't even contemplate the changes I am going to go through with my life this year, from work to living in Wales to 40 degree weather and then diarrhoea, kangaroos, drinking, mugging, the hall of fame, spicy food, diarrhoea again, mountain trekking, crying hysterically, angry English football fans and then I come home and go to university. Stop for a breath anyone?
I feel so completely calm. Excited more like, and nervous of course but this will give me that last push into being a grown up that I need. Then I can look my brothers in the eye like I've had a life as well and achieved something off my own back. I can admit to myself that I am no longer lazy.
This trip is one I'll tell my children about and I can't even believe I almost missed this opportunity, when it's going to change my life forever.
I've been working on my Gap Year Bucket List today, and come up with some good ones. I'll release it nearer the time.
Thanks for all the people who have been checking this still on a daily basis, means a lot to know that people are even marginally interested in what I have to say.
Much is as always, changing. I can't even contemplate the changes I am going to go through with my life this year, from work to living in Wales to 40 degree weather and then diarrhoea, kangaroos, drinking, mugging, the hall of fame, spicy food, diarrhoea again, mountain trekking, crying hysterically, angry English football fans and then I come home and go to university. Stop for a breath anyone?
I feel so completely calm. Excited more like, and nervous of course but this will give me that last push into being a grown up that I need. Then I can look my brothers in the eye like I've had a life as well and achieved something off my own back. I can admit to myself that I am no longer lazy.
This trip is one I'll tell my children about and I can't even believe I almost missed this opportunity, when it's going to change my life forever.
I've been working on my Gap Year Bucket List today, and come up with some good ones. I'll release it nearer the time.
Thanks for all the people who have been checking this still on a daily basis, means a lot to know that people are even marginally interested in what I have to say.
Tuesday 7 January 2014
Cravings
It's New Year. The time of expectations, ideals of living out dreams and promises. This year, I am treating New Year as another day. Every day is a chance to better myself, learn new things and discover more.
I watched Cherrybomb last night, which I've wanted to for a long time. I love the stuff Rob Sheehan is in, he has this edge for being cast in cold situations with complex characteristics. In this he was a fucked up teenager living trying to support an alcoholic and substance addicted father, and he was given an opportunity to better himself, take responsibility and get on with his own life. Inevitably he fucks it up. The film was pretty average, but it sparked off this ideal that I have.
If I'm honest, I would love nothing more than to be a bit of a fuck up. Someone with a complex life who overcomes it. To be extraordinary. I've not had any struggles really, which I am very thankful of, but I wish I was amazing.
So it's time to seize opportunities and live life to the full, every day of the new year. Even if that means having to bust my arse of now to enjoy travelling.
And I've been craving thrillers. I want to watch some really ghostly thrillers soon. Not sure if you were interested in that.
And I got this.
I watched Cherrybomb last night, which I've wanted to for a long time. I love the stuff Rob Sheehan is in, he has this edge for being cast in cold situations with complex characteristics. In this he was a fucked up teenager living trying to support an alcoholic and substance addicted father, and he was given an opportunity to better himself, take responsibility and get on with his own life. Inevitably he fucks it up. The film was pretty average, but it sparked off this ideal that I have.
If I'm honest, I would love nothing more than to be a bit of a fuck up. Someone with a complex life who overcomes it. To be extraordinary. I've not had any struggles really, which I am very thankful of, but I wish I was amazing.
So it's time to seize opportunities and live life to the full, every day of the new year. Even if that means having to bust my arse of now to enjoy travelling.
And I've been craving thrillers. I want to watch some really ghostly thrillers soon. Not sure if you were interested in that.
And I got this.
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