Health

 I don't know how normal it is for a first year to feel completely bewildered and crazed by the start of university. I am.

 I spent my whole childhood looking to two elder brother's - both much more capable and intelligent than I will ever be. At every new phase of their life, I wanted to be involved. I loved being with them, I wanted nothing more than their attention. I'm pretty sure they both thought I was just an annoying lump for the 11 or so years we lived together, but I was always craving their satisfaction with what I'd done. I wanted them to be impressed by me.

 At the point where they went to university, I was around 15. For the next three years I felt desperation to get there, I hated school for that time. I always wondered whether it was just jealousy for the life they were leading, but now I wonder if I was desperate to have something in common with them: to be living the life with them.

 Speaking to a friend at university on Skype once, she was boiling some pasta, which she then poured accidentally into the sink. The sink was filled with grime but she had no more pasta and had to pick it out. Then she got the tomato soup she'd been heating and poured it over the top. When she got back to her room I asked her what she was going to do the rest of the day; she told me she'd watch some more tv or a film. I got this picture of uni life being a breeze.

 Now I'm here, I feel the constant need to get home and stop to catch my breath. The work is never-ending, always something I should be doing. This coming Friday I have one 1500 word essay due, the following Monday 15% of my Persuasive Writing is due, followed by another 1500 word essay the Friday of that week. And I just know, when I go into German tomorrow she's going to ask me if I've managed to do a book review yet. No I haven't.

 The transition between school and university has been piss poor. I have no idea what is expected of my essay writing, and no way of getting help with it. I'm not allowed to hand in drafts and I'm not being heard when I've asked questions. I feel set to fail at the moment and that's not a nice feeling.

 The travelling has still been taking its toll on my body: I'm having indigestion and feeling close to peeing myself every so often. I've tried choking back every pill: done blood tests, I've pooed and peed in a cup. I've tried Yakult (and had one stolen from the fridge - who steals Yakult?!).  I eat healthy, I drink plenty of water. Nothing is working so I have to go BACK to the doctor this week and watch someone stare at me blankly again as if I'm wasting their time.

 The stress is stopping me sleeping. So is the busting to pee situation. Plus today I had to reach into a bin to get my campus card that I'd just accidentally dropped. It's not going well. Not coping. Help.