Here's an old draft I found... 2013

Here is my post it board of stressy things. I am currently working my way through "Tidy Room" but it doesn't seem to be going well...

To commemorate our final day tomorrow, I thought I'd do one of those imaginary posts about a made up day. A typical day at South Wilts.


  "POPPY ARE YOU UP?" I groan as I here Dad yelling and realise I am devastatingly late for the 6000th time. Fucks sake.
  "Yeah" I yell convincingly back as if I've been doing yoga for 3 hours.
I know exactly what is going to happen now. I will roll over, see that it's five to eight, panic, smash into the mirror sit up and see my face, get annoyed at my face, fall out of bed, put on an outfit which is going to make me feel cool until I step out the house. No breakfast. No lunch packed. No make up.

  And am I right? Of course I am. This happens. In amongst this are texts from all the "Harnham Crew" checking if I am walking. I am in a foul mood.

  Emily arrives at my house five minutes late and we reach James who is even later. We reach Rosa who is panicking that we've walked on without her. I am grumpy. So I ignore everyone else's optimism and just complain about how shit everything is. We get to Emma at the bridge, and accurately in this time I've managed to be a bitch to each one of the walkers. So now it's Emma's turn to hear about how fucking annoyed I am.

  We get to school with seconds to spare, hold all of Rosa's stuff as she ties up her laces and wait for Emily to pull her skirt down before we walk past Stamdawg. She scolds us for being late and we all give her death looks.

  I go up to registration and manage to convince my tutor into letting me off going to assembly. 'If any higher staff come in, I'll look sad and we just tell them I was having an emotional melt down?'

  Get to my first lesson, if I have one. Basically I'm either asleep on the desk or on the common room sofa. My class civ teacher thinks I've got problems because I keep sleeping in her lessons. Really it's because I was up till 4am last night doing an essay for her.

  Try not to annoy anyone over lunch by walking into the wrong social circle... god forbid I should get the South Wilts bitch face thrown at me again. I'll eat a packet of crunchy nut from Waitrose next to Bex and Ollie and catch up on the gossip or just take ugly pictures of myself on their phones when they're in the toilet.

  Trundle through whatever my last lesson is of that day and then walk home, normally by myself. If I'm not by myself I'm going along with my iPod in and head down in case anyone else wants to walk with me. I don't think anyone else needs to handle my mock sarcasm for the rest of the day. I've learnt that if you say how you really feel but do it in a sarcky tone - people laugh.

 Arrive home to an empty house... I don't know where my parents are as per. Which means I get to watch tv and eat nutella pancakes as quick as I can before they're back.

Downer

 Coming back from travel has been the weirdest phase of my life. You've spent five months trekking across the globe. You've learnt to use sunglasses as tweezers and what the best way to wash your pants in the shower is. You're meeting the most inspirational go-getters from every country in the world. All you want while you're out there, is to run back into your families arms, have a bath and eat something with good cheese in it. And then it's completely not how you expect.

 For the last two weeks of my trip, I was incredibly ill and exhausted. I had been on antibiotics for 4 days for a reoccurring problem over three and a half months, followed by a 22 hour bus journey that made me throw up all night, and then I arrived at altitude and got the worst altitude sickness I have ever had. This was just before my 4 day trek up to Macchu Pichu, which meant I was sick during my time and it made it very difficult. The fabulous landmark and the optimism of my team was a huge lift - I forgot for a minute that the only thing I can eat without being sick is crisps - the view was phenomenal and my group were the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure to spend time with.

 Then it was my last country, Brazil. I was chuffed to see an old friend, but counting down the days, desperate to get home. I went into a Macdonalds and tried to order a chicken burger in Portugese - I came out with a Mango Smoothie. It was going well. It got to the point where I was counting down the minutes and minus-ing off each minute that passed. All I could do was play the image of coming through the gate and seeing my parents and my boyfriend again. With my birthday the day after my return it was hugely exciting to be so close to the end.

 One eleven and a half hour flight back, I was crying at one point I was so excited, I was constantly looking out my window and checking the time. Then I arrived, and I ran so fast I overtook the 1st class people from my flight just to be out first. After the big collapse into them again I was so shocked, it felt surreal to be back with them again.

 It's funny how crazy that moment seems and then ten minutes later you're discussing what's going to happen next Tuesday to the dogs and it's like you've never been gone. You're expecting people to ask you what happened and to tell them everything about it and they don't. Because everyone has been getting on with their own lives, no one is really desperate to hear about your story.

 I'm not annoyed at all, but it was the weirdest thing. Life descends back to reality and after a couple of days of feeling like you've missed out on loads it's just the same as it always was. The sad part is I came back with so much zest for life and I was so excited to get stuff done. That all faded away when I was back. It felt very draining. But now I am at university and I have made such good friends already. I feel right at home and my course is going to be great fun, so I am happy now. I just found that side of my return very interesting; how quickly we acclimatise again, and you aren't an individual to anyone but yourself really. Hell can you tell the difference between people who took a year out and people who didn't though... at least I have that smug maturity.

Doobie

 I've been growing pretty frustrated recently on the hold drugs has been having on people my age. It's not the act of breaking the law or the defects it has on their body, that's their burden to bear. It's the complete disregard for anyone close to them and how it may affect those important people. It's not taking responsibility for the fact that you are putting people around you at major risk of getting in deep shit. And the people who are looking out for you, it's shitting on their outstretched hand.

How many friends am I going to lose to drugs? They seem to be a pretty good way of separating the friends who never cared about you anyway from the friends that do.

No Thanks

 This past week I spent two days in Aberdeen, two days in Wales and two days in London with two friends who happen to live in opposite ends of the country. Whilst I was up in Scotland I was hearing a lot about their Referendum that's coming up so soon. It's practically the only subject in conversation in the north. On the second night we went out in Aberdeen and met some people in a club and got chatting, as you do.

 This next conversation represented clearly to me what I believe is a huge and really frightening problem evolving as a result of social media - or rather, the ease in the gain and spread of information nowadays. One particular girl I spoke to told me quite openly that she was going to vote 'Yes'. She then said to me, that the only reason she had decided on this was because 'wages will increase'.

(In the Scottish Government's words this was put as: 'ensuring that the minimum wage rises in line with inflation' a grand promise)

 If you think for a minute about this statement, which has obviously been pumped out of Alex Salmond's campaigners, how on Earth are they going to guarantee that wages will go up. Scotland doesn't have a fully working government yet, on who's calculator was that phrase legitimised? It is such a vague and unconfirmed claim, for a country who do not yet have a running system and cannot yet have worked out the unforeseen costings that will come with their separation from Britain.

 Don't get me wrong, if Scotland wants to leave then I think it's a deep loss for us, but they must go if it's their wish. However, if people are basing their vote on such absolute gossip and vague ideas, then it will result in regret and a complete mess. Their first government will have lied to them, or guessed figures to please people. That wouldn't be a fantastic start.

 It's part of a wider problem I believe has been breached out of the lazy way we can now encounter news and gain national and international information. People generally will hear one comment from someone they know and that will become gospel. I know myself, that I've passionately repeated something I've heard on the grapevine as the ultimate truth, when it's occurred in conversation elsewhere, at a later date. To me, people seem rather vicious and aggressive about things they just don't know fully about or even understand before they back it.

 I am trying now to research and check my information before I go parading it as the absolute truth. We should be balanced and if we care about something, we should research and get our facts from more reliable sources.

 Recently, I wrote an aggressive article as an English experiment; I wanted to create something vicious and see what the reaction was. I sent it to my family and very quickly had a venomous email returned by one of my brothers, who was furious I had made such huge comparisons and broad statements without knowing anything on topic. He was right, but it was also just an experiment, I was at that moment in a hostel in Mexico with patchy wifi and only Spanish literature, which makes researching your point quite difficult. Interestingly, as he'd sort of been provoked, he then made huge stereotypes about the people I'd spoken to and the origin of the opinions listed. He was trying to deter me away from doing something that he then himself did, as he was so angry. So the circle goes on.

 We cannot possibly know the truth about many, many things that go on in the world. I suspect that a great deal of what we hear is bent slightly or an outright lie. So I urge people to think before they back something and to use common sense when thinking about important decisions, seeing as we are now eligible for voting and I daresay with our attitude that could be a scary prospect.

Gapping

 For a while now I've wanted to do a follow up post just to reassure everyone, you wouldn't believe how many people actually contacted me giving me advice and spurring me on. I think that's always nice, when you see how much people really care for you. At the time I wrote it, because of the time change everyone I really needed to speak to was asleep and I was in bits. The main reason I posted it was because I wanted some reassurance there and then. Possibly I'd call that attention seeking... Partly I also wanted it as a memoir as well.

 The day after that post, I was sat in my hostel frustrated that no one was talking. I caught eyes with an American girl and got chatting, and her Australian friend came over and said she'd heard me crying on FaceTime to my parents and that I was saying things she felt and she tried to find me after but I'd gone. After that one day with people it snowballed, I was with someone day and evening for the rest of my time in LA. As soon as that happened, I forced myself to stay by booking tickets and trips for my time in America. My thinking was each time I'm in a new place I should make the most of that, because I may never be back and I have the tickets booked and I'm here now. Then I just have to get on the next flight.

 My aim over the next year is to write a book of my journey. I kept a small notepad which has an outline of what we did each day, people we met. I've tried to soak in as much as I possibly can. 

 For me this experience has been more about it's consequences than its actual experience, if you catch my drift. This has been the most incredible year, totally made up for those lousy years in sixth form. I had the most fun week ever in France. During my whole time at South Wilts, I never made friends in an easy way, it always took time. As soon as I arrived in the Alps, I was sat on a sofa with a bunch of strangers. The woman running the course read out my name with two others and we nodded at each other shyly. We were put in a room and a team together and it took about an hour for me to realise I had made two of the best friends I think I will ever have, that was an incredible feeling. No one had as much fun as we did that week and I'm so excited to still be going to see them soon.

 My parents and I had become an impenetrable unit and were torn apart by their move. I can still remember the evening I was moving out to two doors down, holding my parents and all three of us sobbing. They are my best friends too and I miss them so much right now. Knowing that I will always have that love and support to go back to makes me feel so grateful, especially having seen the unkindness and hearing the stories of others who weren't so lucky around the world.

 At the beginning of this academic year I told myself enough was enough, no more pissing around with boys and being an obvious loon about it. I was working seven days a week, travelling and then going to university. There will be no time for any boys. Inevitably once you think something like that, what happens? You land yourself in a serious relationship - my first ever. That was hugely terrifying; the only reason we went for a drink in the first place was so I could say it was too awkward and we should just be friends. However after a few whiskeys I completely forgot my prepared speech and now look where I am. 

 That brought massive stress to me as well because I had these feelings I'd never had before, I was working early and then waiting up late till James got home from work and waking early to head to work again every day, it exhausted both of us. Many people are surprised that any couple can come out the other end of travelling and be stronger for it. I cried like a baby saying goodbye to James at the airport. What a fantastic journey that's proving to be as well.

 Being away has also made me appreciate the friends I have at home, new and old. I feel really close to so many people even being away. Sometimes it takes space to see who is important. I remember when Barney went away this year that I missed him more than I thought I would. I miss Ollie massively, I miss Jessie, Georgina, heaps of people. My brother's gorgeous girlfriend Charlie who I feel super close to now as well, like a big sister. And people I wasn't so close too as well. I'm excited to be going to university with someone from the past I'd lost touch with.

 Right now I have 18 days left. I'm in Lima, which is pretty quiet. Then I have to trek Machu Picchu which will be interesting seeing as today I've just bought a course of some dodgy antibiotics without a prescription and using screenshots from google translate... But it'll be one hell of an experience. Then finally I have five days in Brazil, where I'm meeting someone very important from my past. I'm so looking forward to seeing a familiar face out here - people kept saying to me 'you're only 24 hours away from us' that's too far sometimes. So that will give me the boost I need to finish this.

 I am gagging to get home, and hand on heart if someone told me I was coming home tomorrow I'd be so glad. But what I am getting from this trip more than anything is the inspiration of what to do when I'm home. Being in California made me want to help homeless people, my god it's sad how the richest country in the world can't keep more people off the street and safe. Reading Stephen Fry's autobiography has made me want to study like crazy and I cannot wait to get a job and start writing.

 And I tell you what, for all the people who haven't travelled, the one thing I've taken away strongest is that I absolutely love my country, my culture, my food, the people at home. You don't know what you've got till it's gone and for everyone who still says England is 'crap' you should really not take it for granted. The poorest people in our country have benefits and rights like nowhere else I've seen - even America. We have a beautiful country and amazing culture. We should be really proud of that, I am.

Cheer Up

Thought I'd post to let everyone know how I'm doing, seeing as I selfishly made everybody at home panic. I feel very bad for that, sorry. The last couple of days it's generally taken me about 3 hours to message everyone back and email people back at the end of each day! Thanks to everyone who's been sending me paragraphs.

You'd be surprised to know that the messages I've had have been very mixed, which is interesting. The majority of people have been messaging me to say keep going for fucks sake! You'll never get this opportunity again blah di blah... The other reaction has been the people who went travelling, felt the same and did go home, saying they know I must feel pressured and to know that there's no shame or regret in coming home early. The only person who would be disappointed and never forgive me, is me. Annoyingly, I can't get away from myself.

Both sides of the argument have helped me heaps, just amazed by how many awesome people have approached me about it. When I was feeling lowest, my parents were in bed because of the time difference and James was on a plane and I couldn't get hold of anyone. So I was a mess and I remembered that this venting helps me and so I posted the last piece. Thanks to all the people who've contacted me and helped me. I never really have had to do this alone, because I have all the people I love backing me up. Couldn't do it without that support.

Last night some really cool girls started chatting to me and today we all went out to lunch together. It was such a relief, when you've been in a hostel where literally EVERYONE (myself included) is sat on their phones and laptops, and you're thinking why are you all here then?! Then when someone gets talking to you it's just the best, after feeling so lonely.

The worst part is being away from James, we've all been on holidays with friends where after a few days you're pissing each other off. James and I had our moments, but we agreed on pretty much everything and he was a massive support to me when I was feeling low or missing home. Back home when we were working we saw each other every day, and we had been with each other constantly for 4 months. It made us very very close and being away from that person now? It's like having a limb removed. Most of the time I forget and expect him to come back from the toilet. Or I wake up expecting to see his face. It's just weird to have to be yourself all by yourself again.

I've booked some stuff to keep me busy and am looking at volunteering in Mexico for when I'm there, to keep me here.

For anyone who has not been travelling, you cannot imagine how surprisingly stressful it is. You have to think constantly about where I'm staying, where am I eating, how much can I afford to spend on that, how do I get there... Etc etc. It's mad. And the lugging your stuff around constantly? Christ it's hard work.

I'm still having moments of being sad to be away, but definitely feel like I'm seeing the perks.

Travel Hell

I have been away from home now for just over three months. Yesterday, James left and went home. He gets into London in about 45 minutes in fact, after a gruelling 33 hours in transit, Fiji to Hong Kong, to Doha, to London.

I haven't loved travelling. It is exhausting and stressful, and I have been pretty home sick the whole time. Now that James is at home with my family as well, it's become unbearable. Tonight I am in one of those hostel rooms where no one talks, so I ate alone and spent the night alone. I was hassled by some bearded arse in Macdonalds (Classic American culture, I had to go there to eat).

When I got into bed earlier I just feel hugely out of place. I would give anything to be going home right now, I am so tempted to book the next flight out. he annoying thing is knowing if I do I will really regret it. But anywhere I walk to or spent time in I just feel like I can't breath and I'm deeply unhappy.

I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow I won't feel that, and after a couple of days I'll be thinking oh my god I nearly threw it all in! But right now the massive depressive well in the pit of my stomach, lying across my lungs and making my breathing short, it is so so depressing that I feel like I cannot cope. That I have to leave.

This is the nastiest feeling I have ever had. Not only the sadness, but the sheer disappointment in myself for not being able to cope. It's broken my heart just a little.