Salisbury

  I used to absolutely hate Salisbury. My first problem was knowing people working in the Cathedral for a while, and I grew to despise the self-righteous way the organisation was run. I felt, and still do, that the narrow mindedness of our 'city' was completely based around that bloody building. It's amazing how we are given something stunning to care for and we manage to make it into this exclusive club which says it is just 'protecting' the structure. So frustrating.

  Other aspects I despised were the falseness of Salisbury; we live in this ironically un-cultured place in our little middle class white person bubble and it's boring. It was also the snobbery of South Wilts and Bishops, the two grammar schools. Now, I absolutely adored my first five years at South Wilts, but by the time you get the kids into the final two years for some reason everyone thinks we are the premium people. Kids swanning around and acting like we are at a private school and being horrendously segregated from one another. Because we are all so similar, the criteria drawn up in between groups was so petty. I absolutely hated sixth form, it was the most miserable two years of my school life and I'm not afraid to say that now.

  I never had a set group of friends, I was more of a floater. God forbid I set foot in the middle circle though, to talk to Georgina or Jessie. Any of you reading this from sixth form at SWGS, you have to agree with this. When I made friends with some people from the year above, I felt like I was made to feel incredibly guilty by people in my year, because I was trying, because I was punching above my weight, because I was obsessed with them. I had to have conversations trying to justify why I spent any time with them and it drove me mad. Thank god when it ended, then people were saying 'Remember when you tried to get in with the year above?' Horrific behaviour.

  BUT. I am not in South Wilts anymore, and I am not inside the Cathedral. Salisbury has become a beautiful city to me. Rolling hills, ten minute drive into the countryside, on route to London, to the sea, good shopping and good people. Once I was free from school, I fell in love with the place I live in. We complain, but there is nowhere in the country so safe, stunning and with so many options. We are so lucky to have all of that in one place.

  It occurred to me the other day, that this time next week I won't live in Salisbury again. I go to Wales before I go travelling, then I'm out of the country for 5 months and then I come back to Wales and move to Reading. I feel quite emotional to be leaving, I have had a great childhood here and good employment.

  The world is a big place though, and now I can get out into it. You don't realise how great it will be when you step outside those school gates. There are opportunities you wouldn't ever believe and they're yours to choose from.

 I've been silent on here for a while, I suppose because I've been thinking about my future, and my feelings about this have changed. As they should, and will continue to do. The main reason I haven't posted anything in a while is because the lovely James Bache read it (somehow) and he told me it was boring because he wasn't mentioned on it anywhere. Dickhead.

  I have just seven days of work left, my last shift in 2 years, 4 months at L'occitane, which I am feeling extremely sad about. They have been such good employers to me and I will miss the products so much!

  Of course the biggest thing ever in my life so far, the most daunting challenge I have had to undertake is going to begin on the first of April. For those who aren't aware, I will be catching a flight to Hanoi. Bache's flight doesn't get in for a good 9 hours after mine. I can picture two possibilities, a) me arriving, getting into a taxi to go to central Hanoi, being taken miles from anywhere and mugged because it was a phony taxi company, being lost, eating some pizza from a mysterious van and suddenly feeling unwell. Bache will then have to arrive, find me and sort me out. Or, option b) sitting with a large bar of toblerone anxiously watching everyone around me and reading a book for 9 hours.

  Anyway, I have a 5 month journey ahead of me then. What am I most scared about? Being with someone every moment of every day for 3 months is what I'm afraid of. I think that's understandable. When I booked this trip, I was going to be an independent girl taking the guts to go alone and grow up. Now the whole trip has changed it's image in my head. I'm relieved and excited, don't get me wrong. But I have niggling thoughts: what if we argue, what if I annoy him too much, what if we don't want to do the same things. But we'll just have to see.

Developments

  Apologies that it has been so long since I have done any writing here. I have been super busy with organising my travel plans. Today for example, I have spent £700 on a trekking trip to Machu Picchu and got angry with confused.com for constantly shutting down my insurance page.

  Much is as always, changing. I can't even contemplate the changes I am going to go through with my life this year, from work to living in Wales to 40 degree weather and then diarrhoea, kangaroos, drinking, mugging, the hall of fame, spicy food, diarrhoea again, mountain trekking, crying hysterically, angry English football fans and then I come home and go to university. Stop for a breath anyone?

  I feel so completely calm. Excited more like, and nervous of course but this will give me that last push into being a grown up that I need. Then I can look my brothers in the eye like I've had a life as well and achieved something off my own back. I can admit to myself that I am no longer lazy.

  This trip is one I'll tell my children about and I can't even believe I almost missed this opportunity, when it's going to change my life forever.

  I've been working on my Gap Year Bucket List today, and come up with some good ones. I'll release it nearer the time.

  Thanks for all the people who have been checking this still on a daily basis, means a lot to know that people are even marginally interested in what I have to say.

Cravings

  It's New Year. The time of expectations, ideals of living out dreams and promises. This year, I am treating New Year as another day. Every day is a chance to better myself, learn new things and discover more.

  I watched Cherrybomb last night, which I've wanted to for a long time. I love the stuff Rob Sheehan is in, he has this edge for being cast in cold situations with complex characteristics. In this he was a fucked up teenager living trying to support an alcoholic and substance addicted father, and he was given an opportunity to better himself, take responsibility and get on with his own life. Inevitably he fucks it up. The film was pretty average, but it sparked off this ideal that I have.

  If I'm honest, I would love nothing more than to be a bit of a fuck up. Someone with a complex life who overcomes it. To be extraordinary. I've not had any struggles really, which I am very thankful of, but I wish I was amazing.

  So it's time to seize opportunities and live life to the full, every day of the new year. Even if that means having to bust my arse of now to enjoy travelling.

  And I've been craving thrillers. I want to watch some really ghostly thrillers soon. Not sure if you were interested in that.

And I got this.

Humbled

I have a few photos which montage my life below. Just little every day occurrences which I have captured. I feel deeply humbled tonight by all the good around me. I sent off an article tonight someone who may be able to give me a shot at writing for a paper. I sorted out some travelling things. Just titbits you know? But necessary ones. I just feel that my life lies in front of me with endless possibilities and chances and I feel so lucky to have all that ahead of me. Most of that has come on a platter to me, I just hope I can do something good for the world. 

I will let the pictures be the main feed tonight, to ring the changes. (Hooray!)

I give you my Vietnamese man. Back in year 11, we were given a black and white photo of this man and told to paint the shades on him. He had a really interesting face. I did the above piece and my teacher loved it, so I glued it onto my wall. Which was a silly thing to do because I couldn't take it with me. And so I'm sure he's been painted over by now, and this was the best photograph I had of him. Sad really.

My new favourite little thing. Millie is one the Kelly's dogs, and she is SO CUTE. Always greets me nicely and wants to be stroked.

Anyone remember this face? My other half and I shopping in Southampton, and naturally when anyone picks up a camera this is how you react. This was a nice day, thought I'd share a momento.

Sobsobsob. My dinner date with Dad, this was probably the 9th try for a photo without him looking confused, annoyed or false. I miss my Pops a lot. He almost cried when he dropped me off on this night. I can't think about them too much because I'll start to cry.

Love this. Little devoted fans. Had nothing to do with my gorgeous gammon steak obviously.

Anger

How do we react when we feel different things?

Emotion is a very personal and selfish trait of human nature. In a way. The past couple of days I've been getting tired of listening to every aspect of society being judged as wrong. In my opinion, we need to remember we are all just animals programmed and instinctively designed to keep surviving. The rest is just fabrication we have created to reassure ourselves that there is some meaning in such a short existence.

That sounds pretty sombre, but I don't mean it negatively. It's a natural and simple point of view on a world full of endless complications and problems, hell even a simplistic view on the good stuff.

But back on topic, when I feel angry it manifests quite similarly to being upset. I've been wondering whether this is a similarity between the two feelings and what they do to your psyche. Being mad makes me want to reach out to people, in a way which would be totally destructive. It reminds me of every little thing that was never sorted out with people. Every unanswered question. And it makes me want to shout at them all.

One of the main things I want to pass on to any children I may have is that there is nothing worse than not sorting out un-finished business, any queries which remain unsolved. You cannot lead a life unable to move on from the past because you never had the information you needed.

This is probably all coming out as a weird stream of consciousness but sometimes that's all thoughts really are. I just feel like I lost a small piece of respect for the world.

The Only Way Is Up

  What a day. And what a week this will be. Yesterday I had a lovely day off, sat in the sitting room under a duvet with one Kelly twin either side of me watching film after film. Felt so good to be doing absolutely nothing.

  There have been steps forward with my gap year in the past couple of days, today I had an email from the editor of Salisbury Journal. It looks like they may have some opportunity for me... early days but all good experience. This week I will be receiving a quote from a representative of a student travel agency, telling me how much the travel will be for my chosen route. I have been stressing about how people I want to go with keep pulling out or not being able to come. So I have decided the best thing to do will be to book the flights and then it's no going back.

  I couldn't deal with the idea of being stuck at home for the whole year in Salisbury, earning money just to buy hundreds of drinks next year.

  So it's exciting! To add to that, my parents have moved into their Welsh home today and I hear they are both hugely happy, which is great news. I was worried it would be a stressful day but it seems to have gone smoothly (still glad I wasn't there to witness this for sure though).

  I have made myself a promise that my life will be extraordinary. I think it already has been to be honest. When I think of all the experiences and challenges I've faced in the past couple of years, hell, months! I feel deeply amazed that so much opportunity lies ahead of me. All the times I'm yet to have next year as well... eek!

So again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU