Boredom is over.

I have just discovered a way to NEVER. GET. BORED. You will laugh as much as I have. (Probably a bit less).

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah, I'm going to die alone but now it's WORTH IT.

Night.

LOOK IT'S LIKE YOU'RE IN SPAIN:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHU-AJTn0I8

Nice eh?

Well well summer is well and truly upon us. It's been so long since I've been able to wonder round for days in a row in my yellow rain coat and pink wellington boots. Honestly, it is a delight to welcome back the sun.

I am two days away from my first re-sit, which I am incredibly excited about. (Laughter). But anyway. Turn off the guitar now it's annoying me.

My life has been pretty dull of late, it's consisted of about 5 things:
1. Screaming "I'M NOT DOING TEMPLES" at Mr Owen.
2. Complaining
3. Watching Game of Thrones
4. Complaining
5. Trying to get into a coma so I get my grades for uni based on predictions.

Been spending time with some new people lately which has been nice, it's good to mix things up a bit. I've also only got 6 doubles in school now, which means I am NEVER in school. Which is rather lovely. My new life is reciting greek words and then eating a cookie as a reward. I've even recorded myself talking about the Odyssey and have been playing it at night, hoping it'll sort me out for exams. Hahahaha aaah optimism.

Also having a drunk conversation with my brother yesterday, it was his birthday and I rang him at half 11 to wish him a happy one and he was obviously intoxicated. He kept yelling "YEAH I'VE BOOKED AN ALGERIAN PLACE FOR SATURDAY. YOU CAN EAT STEAK THERE." He's 24 now, all grown up. (ish) Sometimes I wonder if I'm more mature than him... What am I saying, I am more mature than him!

L'occitane have launched 4 new fragrances, made exclusively by a fragrance merchant for the company and they are really lovely. Tell your mother's to go and try them out. Just do it, don't just think you will. Do it.

Do it.

Have a lovely evening.

This.

Was on my Youtube adverts.

Mmm... not the most flattering photo in the world. I'm not even sure if she's smiling. It looks like one of those photos that happens when you're getting ready to go out and your friend says "Janet photo you look hot!" and you go "really?" "YEAH! Don't move you look perf." *click*

Oh... that's... lovely... smoulder.

Mood Sthwingth

  I suppose I had it coming really, I'd been incredibly happy and cheerful saying goodnight to my parents, and now I've come crashing down. Rock bottom or what. (Just goes to show how far a bit of Sun will affect someone).

  The pivotal moment this night was when Ned Stark was beheaded in the episode of Game Of Thrones I've been watching on catch-up desperately trying to keep up with everyone around me. I cried like a baby. Okay I am of course kidding, I'm still in tears now. Ned! But that's the dangerous thing one does by watching a tear-jerker alone at night in bed. It's all piling out now. Exam stress, parental stress, social stress, boy stress. It's just all here. Sometimes it seems like every problem I have, (not that I have many but go with me), they turn into people and I feel like they're all stood in my room while I sleep. And I hate it when people come into a room where everyone else is sitting/lying and they stand.

  There's so much pressure. It's so hard to remain relaxed and not over-think tiny details in other aspects of your life when you feel like there's an expectation of you to perform in the same way as every other person doing what you're doing.

  How shit is that? Next friday I will go into a Class Civ exam and take the same exam as the students around me and talk about the same subject and be marked by the same criteria and get a result based on how well articulated and historically aware I am. I'm not academic. Perhaps I could be, I was at Grammar school and so I guess there must be something I can do. But I think I'm not, really, because I hate it. I despise being taught the exact same course and not being able to express anything through my exam. When I come out of an exam I think 'yeah that went okay.' I think it because according to the way I've been taught to write the exam, it went well. But not once in an exam do I find myself being able to discuss any information in a way I want to.

  They don't care what my opinion is. They don't care what I have to say about anything. They care how it matched criteria. Opinion is such a low part of an exam's needs. I don't want to be forced into thinking. At university we'll get to pick what fascinates us for our dissertation, but right now, who cares what I have to say? I don't like my lessons because not only am I bored and unengaged but so are my teachers. They're frustrated at not being able to express their opinions as well.

I can't do this for much longer. I feel like no one in the world is listening and no one in the world cares about me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

This is my favourite song right now. Had a lovely couple of days initiating a rather impressive British Tan, if I may say so myself. You know the kind of tan I mean, you know it's happening because with your sunglasses on your body looks really brown, and you think 'Hey well done Mr Sun!' and then you take your sunglasses off and blind yourself with whiteness. Yeah. That's my legs. But it's dark right now so they look very nice. And they're under covers which I think personally makes them look even nicer.

I love the sun. It's been such a rush having it back again, I'm happier in my own company. When it's cold and my parents go somewhere I get really low normally, but now I've been at the Vitamin D factory it's big smiles all the way.

What else... let me think of a topic. I thought of something provocative the other day, what was it...

Well that thought has gone. But I shall come up with something else before I drift. Let's see... what about emotion? Or more interestingly, love.

Maybe that was my thought the other day, what is love, and is it real and have we made it up. It doesn't seem like, as animals, we were intended to settle down and have one partner. That's my perception. You think about animals for example lobsters, (I'm taking this factual lobster stuff from Friends so I'm open to it being wrong), but they mate for life. None of them go off with any other lobsters. It just seems to me that if we were like that no one would change their mind about their partner.

And how do you know when it's time to end being with someone? Maybe you're out of love, but you can fall out of love with anyone. So should you not try? I just don't know. I wonder whether we've made up love. 'You'll just know.' Hear that a lot. You do get moments of knowing. I've had them. Mum says it's when you think about them constantly, you always want to be with them and you feel it in your stomach. Well sure, I've felt that. That's what infatuation feels like to me. I think love comes from the moment we can't express how much we like someone. I think maybe it's not love, it's a failure of language.

Let that blow your mind for a second - or mine anyway - perhaps we haven't found the vocabulary to perfectly explain the feelings we have for another person we like a lot. So maybe love is something we've made up to make ourselves feel like we've expressed it. Or maybe it's that we're not summing up the feeling enough. The trapped feeling of not being able to express yourself has been named 'love.' Who knows.

We've all been here, you've had a few shots. You're a bit merry and you're sat with your drunk friend, trying to tell them how much they mean to you and you feel like you're on the verge of tears. And you say things to each other: "I really love you...no seriously I love you so much...I love you more than anything." It's like now love has turned into a quantifiable noun that perhaps it doesn't have as much effect anymore.

My thoughts are so interesting when you magnify them. I like that.


I am going to share this photo with you because I love you very much. And despite how ugly it is it makes me snort with laughter every time I see it:

My mother is going to lead a 'Mamma Mia' concert tonight. This is what she looked like leaving the house:

Is it okay that I'm weirdly proud? The shoes were a present from her Military Wives Choir. The dress was actually mine, I bought it for a retro party aaaages ago which I didn't actually go to in the end. I tried to sell it on ebay but strangely no one wanted it... funny that. Glad it's got a proper use now.

  Aged 17, going on 38... we're only at the doorstep of our lives, but I'm not ready to believe that I haven't experienced life enough to understand things. I get really miffed at those adults who say things like: "Oh well that's life" and that "It'll be the same as you get older." I'm tired of some adults acting like we don't know anything. Because I think we do, everyone grows up a lot faster than parents recognise. I've been talking this through a lot recently with one person, and it's made me think a lot about it.

  The change happens as we start to keep secrets from our parents. We tell our friends instead, and it's okay that we don't tell our parents things. We're becoming our own person and not theirs anymore. Someone was saying to me about how parents have to learn to be interesting to their children again, otherwise with that gone and the authority gone, why would the child stick around? I think it's a fascinating point of view, but I think there's a sense of guilt which makes a tie between the generations. I feel - I don't know if anyone else feels the same - but I feel like I owe my life and everything I have to my parents. I don't want to feel like that, parents are the ones who brought us into this world out of their desire, not ours. I love this, listen to Sidney Poitier's speech:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtHGA6zlsnA

  Within a middle class realm, I can empathise with any situation. Think about it. Whenever people come to you with a problem, pretty much every time you can think of some experience which is connected somehow no? I've seen death in many forms, had to deal with family problems, lies, falling out with friends, set backs in my 'career' (I'm counting exams as that because it's all path building), I've seen people hurt, tried to help people and been unsuccessful. I've been hurt and let down and I've learnt how to deal and recover from these things.

  Self-discipline is the hardest lesson. I still struggle to refrain from getting back in contact with people who I know are no good for me, but I'm getting better and visualising the crashing sense of regret you feel afterwards. Most days, that's enough to deter me from any further damage. Learning to work harder and to trust yourself as well, is going to be such an important life skill. Really everyone just wants to be the same as everyone else, no one wants to think about self-improvement. I don't want to apply for student finance. That requires dealing with it BY MYSELF. Leave me alone.

  How am I going to get myself to the point where I can control myself enough to manage my life effectively? I wish I knew how to do that now, but it'll happen. But I'm not a little girl and I'm certainly not as naive as older people might believe. Sometimes I'm childish or stupid, but I am aware I'm being an idiot, I just am not sure how to stop my impulses; doesn't mean that I'm immature.