Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
It's funny how feelings creep up on you. How up and down we are. I always wonder, if we were still just animals living in caves and grunting, whether we would get the same waves of emotion. Whether other animals get the same waves of emotion. I wonder. But today was a good day, a high peak, which obviously has to balance out with a low trough. Does this high and low mean that I'm just being negative? Is it just me, or is it normal? And am I supposed to deal with it and stop it or just accommodate it? I'm finding all these thoughts are very jumbled up in my head right now.
I've just plunged into a new life, one with important jobs to be done that effect my living situation and not my intellectual situation. And that's very scary. I'm sure I've said that a lot, but it's these moments when that gets to me. I feel hugely strong and very vulnerable at the same time, which is unusual. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. But at the same time I want to just talk and talk at someone who'll listen to it all and not say a thing. If someone just heard all the thoughts repeating themselves in my head over and over again maybe I'd feel better. But I don't like off-loading feelings on people, it's not fair I don't think.
There was a film I watched once where Bett Middler played an excellent part. She said "Be selfish. Because in life, if you go around taking care about everyone else and you don't stop to think, what about me? You'll go crazy." Where does the line end from being true to your own interests and being a good friend and a good person. There is much philosophy and contrasting beliefs in this world that it's sometimes very baffling to figure out what doing the right thing is. Are we to trundle through every japanese proverb and philosophical musing and decide, yes or no. I agree with this, I don't agree with this? What if we agree with contrasting theories?
I tell you want. There is one simple, most basic philosophy in this life. Things begin, and things end. That is the simple law of it. Everything that ever is, was or will be, will exist and will burn out. That's it. Down to a T. What we colour in in-between might be a nice way to calm ourselves and reassure ourselves that there's more to life than that, but when it comes to the laws of science, nothing matters except birth, death; beginning, end; start, stop.
On the other hand, there should always be happiness, I believe. There should be colour and experience and hurt. All we are really, are witnesses to this current world. We are born, we see, we try to learn and appreciate what we can, or we don't appreciate it and die regretfully, and then we die. It is not a purpose, but a habit of our species. Observe, progress, appreciate, survive.
I've just plunged into a new life, one with important jobs to be done that effect my living situation and not my intellectual situation. And that's very scary. I'm sure I've said that a lot, but it's these moments when that gets to me. I feel hugely strong and very vulnerable at the same time, which is unusual. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. But at the same time I want to just talk and talk at someone who'll listen to it all and not say a thing. If someone just heard all the thoughts repeating themselves in my head over and over again maybe I'd feel better. But I don't like off-loading feelings on people, it's not fair I don't think.
There was a film I watched once where Bett Middler played an excellent part. She said "Be selfish. Because in life, if you go around taking care about everyone else and you don't stop to think, what about me? You'll go crazy." Where does the line end from being true to your own interests and being a good friend and a good person. There is much philosophy and contrasting beliefs in this world that it's sometimes very baffling to figure out what doing the right thing is. Are we to trundle through every japanese proverb and philosophical musing and decide, yes or no. I agree with this, I don't agree with this? What if we agree with contrasting theories?
I tell you want. There is one simple, most basic philosophy in this life. Things begin, and things end. That is the simple law of it. Everything that ever is, was or will be, will exist and will burn out. That's it. Down to a T. What we colour in in-between might be a nice way to calm ourselves and reassure ourselves that there's more to life than that, but when it comes to the laws of science, nothing matters except birth, death; beginning, end; start, stop.
On the other hand, there should always be happiness, I believe. There should be colour and experience and hurt. All we are really, are witnesses to this current world. We are born, we see, we try to learn and appreciate what we can, or we don't appreciate it and die regretfully, and then we die. It is not a purpose, but a habit of our species. Observe, progress, appreciate, survive.
Monday, 10 June 2013
I saw this as a stand for some chewing gum today, see what you think:
"Ever made out with a watermelon?" Ummmm.... no. And not a massive desire of many I would presume. Is that too judgemental of me? Maybe I missed out on the fruit-fancying gene that everyone else has.
Pfft.
Also if you haven't seen this already, it still makes me laugh:
That's my leaving present to Miss Evans. I know, I am so funny.
Anyway, enough about ME. (Having said that it's quite hard to blog talking about how you are, because I don't know who you are). I am now a free person, practically and actually I think you could strongly argue, a person who is on their gap year. I have a list as long as my arm of things I need to get done, so what did I do today after my last school exam? I made a birthday card for Evie which took far longer than it should've done. When you're learning origami and screaming at the chinese guy on the video to slow down, as my mother says 'It's time to stop Petal.'
I'm excited though, I'm going to hand in some paperwork to a job agency and hopefully get some work going soon for saving next year.
Ooh! Another exciting thing, I went to see The Boy With Tape On His Face the other night, a comedy gig. James Kelly had free tickets so we went with Tom and James' dad. My god was it funny. I didn't think I could laugh so much from something without speech. It was fantastic. Apart from almost crapping yourself whenever he came into the audience, Tom got picked and he thought the guy was pointing at me, turned and laughed in my face and then realised what was really happening. Long story short he was hand-cuffed to a random girl and forced to kiss. I nearly wet myself.
That's all for now folkes, Made In Chelsea catch up time!!
"Ever made out with a watermelon?" Ummmm.... no. And not a massive desire of many I would presume. Is that too judgemental of me? Maybe I missed out on the fruit-fancying gene that everyone else has.
Pfft.
Also if you haven't seen this already, it still makes me laugh:
That's my leaving present to Miss Evans. I know, I am so funny.
Anyway, enough about ME. (Having said that it's quite hard to blog talking about how you are, because I don't know who you are). I am now a free person, practically and actually I think you could strongly argue, a person who is on their gap year. I have a list as long as my arm of things I need to get done, so what did I do today after my last school exam? I made a birthday card for Evie which took far longer than it should've done. When you're learning origami and screaming at the chinese guy on the video to slow down, as my mother says 'It's time to stop Petal.'
I'm excited though, I'm going to hand in some paperwork to a job agency and hopefully get some work going soon for saving next year.
Ooh! Another exciting thing, I went to see The Boy With Tape On His Face the other night, a comedy gig. James Kelly had free tickets so we went with Tom and James' dad. My god was it funny. I didn't think I could laugh so much from something without speech. It was fantastic. Apart from almost crapping yourself whenever he came into the audience, Tom got picked and he thought the guy was pointing at me, turned and laughed in my face and then realised what was really happening. Long story short he was hand-cuffed to a random girl and forced to kiss. I nearly wet myself.
That's all for now folkes, Made In Chelsea catch up time!!
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Pranking Mum
So, today I was rudely woken at o-christ-hundred-hours, that's right, 10 o'clock my dad comes in with a cup of tea, then half an hour later my mum comes in and sings into my face until I get up. She wanted me to try her new bread. Fucks sake. Anyway, then Dad made Mum iron his shirt (sexist) and he headed off to work looking very pretty. Then I followed Mum who was in the camperp-van in my car to go to the garage (her lights inside aren't working properly and she likes to have the fairy-lights when she's away).
Anyway, we did some stuff in town, then went back to the garage. I dropped her off, and drove home by myself with our food shopping in the back. When I get home, I spend 5 minutes looking for my other flip flop in the passenger foot-well. I remember her mentioning stealing Dad's shoes before. I kept looking muttering 'you absolute bitch.' So I think RIGHT my turn. I carry the shopping, flowers, baguette into the house occasionally getting a stone engraved into my foot and swearing. I put everything down and take a bowl of water upstairs, wedge it above her office door and try not to laugh too much.
It was so funny. I followed her up the stairs, and she tried to open the door and it was wedged so she was going "Ooh! Ooh! Oh!" and then it fell. Barney had done the same thing to me a few days ago, and it was funny then, so she had to find it funny. She was mopping it up with a towel saying 'you stupid stupid bitch.' it was hilarious.
Apart from that, my chair broke on one side, so I've been doing this all day:
Sat in the sun revising for a bit. Beaut.
Anyway, we did some stuff in town, then went back to the garage. I dropped her off, and drove home by myself with our food shopping in the back. When I get home, I spend 5 minutes looking for my other flip flop in the passenger foot-well. I remember her mentioning stealing Dad's shoes before. I kept looking muttering 'you absolute bitch.' So I think RIGHT my turn. I carry the shopping, flowers, baguette into the house occasionally getting a stone engraved into my foot and swearing. I put everything down and take a bowl of water upstairs, wedge it above her office door and try not to laugh too much.
It was so funny. I followed her up the stairs, and she tried to open the door and it was wedged so she was going "Ooh! Ooh! Oh!" and then it fell. Barney had done the same thing to me a few days ago, and it was funny then, so she had to find it funny. She was mopping it up with a towel saying 'you stupid stupid bitch.' it was hilarious.
Apart from that, my chair broke on one side, so I've been doing this all day:
Sat in the sun revising for a bit. Beaut.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Scared
Tonight I am filled with all the things I am afraid of right now. I feel angry, vulnerable and doubtful. I am afraid of my exam on wednesday, I am afraid of my future and I am afraid of my relationships with different people. Of course having begun to learn to suppression technique, it is inevitable that it forces its way out of your throat at various intervals. (I don't know how you suppressors do it, it's exhausting.)
The amount of stress that is both surrounding me and being supplied by myself makes me feel as if I'm stood in a large room and there are invisible forces pushing in against me and I can't breathe. It doesn't help hearing everyone else's troubles at the same time, trouble's that affect you. I would never not listen to anyone, but sometimes it can be a little over-bearing, you know? I just feel rather lonely and more frightened than I think I've ever been. There are so many aspects of life coming closer that I am clueless as to how they'll turn out. And I'm scared.
Sometimes I can't figure out if I'm putting myself in the same situations as well, or whether they're different. It's confusing when people can be so totally different and yet when you question your emotions you feel exactly the same in both cases.
On an alternate note, my hands have smelt weird all day. I keep washing them but they smell like tomato sauce and soap... not pleasant.
Night.
The amount of stress that is both surrounding me and being supplied by myself makes me feel as if I'm stood in a large room and there are invisible forces pushing in against me and I can't breathe. It doesn't help hearing everyone else's troubles at the same time, trouble's that affect you. I would never not listen to anyone, but sometimes it can be a little over-bearing, you know? I just feel rather lonely and more frightened than I think I've ever been. There are so many aspects of life coming closer that I am clueless as to how they'll turn out. And I'm scared.
Sometimes I can't figure out if I'm putting myself in the same situations as well, or whether they're different. It's confusing when people can be so totally different and yet when you question your emotions you feel exactly the same in both cases.
On an alternate note, my hands have smelt weird all day. I keep washing them but they smell like tomato sauce and soap... not pleasant.
Night.
Well I'm having a mixed day. Half of me is in pure panic about the shear amount of stuff to know for this ruddy exam on wednesday. So, so much. I've run out of cue cards in the right colour! But also it's been a nice day because my brother and his girlfriend came round. They're off to Amsterdam this week- so jealous! But Barney chucked water all over me, so I chucked it back. Then after he left I came up to my room, opened the door and a bowl of water fell all over me.
He will pay.
Charlie is so lovely though, mum and I said if he doesn't I should marry her. It's so annoying though, I always wish I were older so that I could be friends with my brother's friends and not just the little sister. It's terribly dull. But hey ho, it's still nice to meet nice people older than me and spend time with them occasionally. That way I can be like the exotic mysterious person that they don't see much of... ooh I like that.
However I am still fretting about this exam.
More later.
He will pay.
Charlie is so lovely though, mum and I said if he doesn't I should marry her. It's so annoying though, I always wish I were older so that I could be friends with my brother's friends and not just the little sister. It's terribly dull. But hey ho, it's still nice to meet nice people older than me and spend time with them occasionally. That way I can be like the exotic mysterious person that they don't see much of... ooh I like that.
However I am still fretting about this exam.
More later.
Sunday, 2 June 2013
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