I was getting panicky about the fact that I missed blogging again, and thinking how I am now doomed to failure. But then, I realised that there will be days where I physically cannot write something. For example, I'm meant to be going to Greece in Easter (that is, if Mr Owen actually arranges it. Doesn't look like he's going to).

Friday night I went to Barney's house with a few people, and I've not had such a good time in ages. I maintained my drunken state for ages, which is so not like me so I was very proud. Plus as well as catching up with Ollie and Barney it was nice to spend some time with people I didn't know well. And I put my iPod in and NO ONE said anything bad about my music, which was incredible. Yesterday I babysat for Cunley and Oni which was very amusing. Cunley put music on and danced around for ages. As soon as his parents left having just said 'They can go to bed after watching Strictly' Cunley looked up at me with his giant affro and long lashes and said sweetly 'We could do a jigsaw after Strictly' hmmm...

I'm writing this from the comfort of my living room under a blanket watching Desperate Housewives (yet to pick a film). Oh and I forgot to mention, my chocolate pudding is cooking in the oven. Yippee. After my exhaustion last night, (very sorry about the rant), and my teary drive to school this morning my mum decided I need some sleep, so it's home sweet home. And Hopefully I'll get my UCAS off this weekend!!

Anyway, Patrick Brennan, (who went off to Durham because he's very clever), sent me a message last night saying he'd written a blog and being very nice about mine. He's keeping his journalist options open by practising on this link:

http://www.peejaybizzle.blogspot.co.uk/

I had a proper read a minute ago and I really like it. It's like my blog but smart and funnier. And his last post about Bloc Party is completely accurate, it made me laugh. So take a read, more and more people jumping on the Blog bandwagon. In an abstract sense of course.

Found this photo on my phone earlier and it made me laugh. Georgina went to the loo at my house so I thought it'd be funny to take loads of stupid pictures of myself for her return. I've deleted all of them because they were hideous, but love this photo. I waited for her to come unsuspectingly back into the room and then nabbed her.

Mum on holiday discovering a passion for rapping...

I've officially had the worst evening ever. This was going to be my first night in since monday, which doesn't sound that bad but I was really tired this week and stressed. So I get out the shower, mum says: "did you not hear the answerphone?" because my emails haven't been connecting with the writing group leaders', I didn't know we were going to see a play tonight. I had 10 minutes to be at the playhouse and I was there from 6 till 10, with a bunch of arrogant middle aged people who make me feel stupid and young. They went round the circle and said 'Oh I'm Jim, I've got two plays on at the minute, directing another and just own this competition...' they talk for ages and it got to me and all I could say was 'I'm at sixth form' I hate being so young and waiting for my life to start.

During this, my mum texted me saying maybe I should have tomorrow off to catch up on some sleep and feel better, I got home and she said 'I'll give you a lift to school tomorrow' which means that I'm not getting a day off after all, which after thinking I would have one has upset me so much. I feel ridiculously stressed. This weekend, I'm going to a friends friday, straight to work saturday, straight to babysitting after work, then I'm in at work the next day for the campaign change, which is crazy because I've done way over my hours for this week and next. I swear they aren't paying me for over time at the minute as well... need to check my statement more closely and work out how much I should be getting.

When I finally climbed into bed, hysterically upset and being girly, I realised I hadn't blogged and I said I'd fail my A level if I didn't blog every day. I know that seems like something really trivial, but when I fail at things like that I get really freaked out. So I got even more upset. I'm tired and stressed enough to burst into tears right now, and I really need Mr Dew to give me back my personal statement so I can go to uni. And I need to hand that letter in. FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK. If I have to go to english tomorrow I'm probably going to burst into tears, can't stand english at the moment.

What I realised tonight as well, was that I used to be amazing at talking to people I don't know well. I cannot do it now. I panic, sound nervous and make it awkward. It's so upsetting to watch everything I used to be good at disappearing. Almost swore at my parents tonight for no reason, which is really unlike me. Really sad.

So I said I've have 'more about that later' in reference to the assembly we had. I'm not going to go on for too long about this because it was yesterday and assemblies don't remain very important in my life for over 24 hours. Anyway, this focus group came in and gave an assembly on being a lesbian or a gay person. This consisted of a video of them talking about common debate issues about gay/lesbian community, but to me it sounded like 4 lesbians talking about how much they hated straight people: 'No one understands unless they are gay or a lesbian'. That was ridiculous.

Then they talked 10 minutes over the registration time, so I was now missing nap time, which made me a feel almost tempted to become homophobic. But I didn't. Then they had an obviously fake story about a boy who killed himself half at lunch time after he'd been teased about kissing a boy in spin the bottle as a dare. For a start, no one plays Truth or Dare at the same time as Spin the Bottle, and he MUST'VE had other issues to commit suicide after half a day of teasing. Ridiculous crap. Then at the end of the assembly they had a slogan song which literally sang: "Lesbians and Gays, Biosexuals and Queers' At this point, from the back of the main hall I watched everyone put their faces into their hands.

The point of their assembly was to encourage us to sign these billboards which made us agree to not using 'gay' as a negative adjective, (I will complain about this in a moment), but I refused to sign because I don't agree with the aggressive way they presented their viewpoints. I actually felt a little offended and thought they were making a little bit too much of a big deal about stuff. I don't know what they've been through, and I understand it must've been hard. But they surely can't think the hardest part of being gay is hearing people say 'gay' when something is bad?

Anyway, it reminded me of when the christian group came for a discussion with us in year 11 and one of them said 'In my opinion gays need to be cured' and it was a lovely moment because everyone in our year got furious and had a go at him for the next half an hour. So actually, I don't think people are that homophobic anymore, not that I've experienced.

Now, my complaint about using 'gay' as a negative adjective are that no we don't. For a start, I know few people who actually say that anymore, I think it's a phase when you're younger and you're pushing taboo language for a reaction from people. But 'gay' when used in a negative light is no longer used directly meaning that the person saying that doesn't like gay people. It's just picked up a negative association, and it will phase out because language changes. (Feel like my english textbook right now). I'm getting bored of myself.

GOODNIGHT.

Firstly, I want to apologise for my recent annoying habit. When someone's in the middle of speaking my brain thinks 'OOH I know a story similar to this that I can talk about when they're done' but instead of waiting, I just keep talking. My brain/mouth correlation is definitely in need of some D.I.Y. so I apologise for interrupting everyone by saying 'Oh my god it was so awkward the other day...' I am aware I'm doing it and you just have to hit me in the face.

Tonight I recorded a video about what's stressing me out today, and I'm going to play it in 6 months and see how much any of it mattered. I'm positive 100% of it will be completely behind me by then, but then it's nice to watch myself learning... as in, when I watch it in the future I will think 'How wonderful I have learnt from these experiences'. One thing I've picked up almost immediately is don't overuse 'YOLO...' it's not cool or funny. Or angry enough.

This year I've also learnt that you shouldn't give your phone to chavs, and I should never play my music in public. It always ends badly. Normally it's just Ollie yelling at me 'THIS IS SHIT!' which is better than everyone staring at my blankly. Because you can't even end a song with 'You had to be there' because that would make no sense at all.

Here's a quote from a James Morrison song:

"Well I'll hide all the bruises, I'll hide all the damage that's done.
But I'll show how I'm feeling, until all the 'feeling' has gone."

Ooh aren't I cultured?!

I'm feeling sort of low tonight, you know when you feel like something is dragging you down and you can't figure out what it is. I guess it's a combination of little things, like I've left my pad at bishops which has a form in it that I need signed. I get stressed by things like that. Or that my duffel coat has gone missing and it's cold. Or that I had a bad drama lesson today. Or that I can't figure out why I'm being grumpy to my parents at the moment.

In half term I went to London twice, Sunday night we saw Eddi Reader doing a concert and it was amazing, but I always find it really hard to leave London. I get withdrawal symptoms I swear... one time, when I'd been there for a week doing work experience, I cried on the way home. I love it there. Actually, I once cried leaving Devon. I'd been going every fortnight with my mum and it got to the point where I was so attached to the place, I was crying on the way home and mum said 'If you wanted us to transfer you to Colyton grammar for sixth form, we'd move for you' and I thought about it. So there we go, I almost moved to Devon for sixth form. Imagine the chaos that would've caused, leaving everyone to fend for themselves...


...yeah anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psiILfa-G1c&feature=endscreen

I JUST WROTE A SONG and I think this one is actually good:

It’s half one in the morning

And I’m lying here listening to what you said.

I know it was heat of moment,

But I can’t get those words out my head.

And you make me feel like nothing.

Every time I think of you I’m ashamed.

You know I can’t be a perfect person.

But still I feel you lay on me the blame.

It’s half one in the morning

And I’m lying here listening to what you said.

I know it was heat of moment,

But I can’t get those words out my head.

We’ve hardly said a word and still,

We have come to this conclusion.

I barely know you at all,

Yet you’ve barred me into my seclusion.

It’s half one in the morning

And I’m lying here listening to what you said.

I know it was heat of moment,

But I can’t get those words out my head.

And every time, I close, my eyes.

I see your face.

And when I lift my fingertips,

It’s that I can perfectly trace.

Every line on your skin is a memory,

And one that I will never have seen.

Every moment’s a moment wasted,

We’re too busy counting the moments in between.

It’s half one in the morning

And I’m lying here listening to what you said.

I know it was heat of moment,

But I can’t get those words out my head.

Eh???