http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF8BRvqGCNs

I had the best time in London with Bex. But I've come back with a headful of confusion and stress.

I'm not going to tell you about London today. I'm going to talk.

My brother's are 6 and 8 years older than me, which is quite a considerable gap. I don't know if anyone else in our year has this, but it has affected me more than anyone else. When the boys left home I missed them hugely, because really my proper family I suppose is Mum, Dad and me. And there real family is their dad, Mum and each other. As we've grown I've seen that effecting us more, mainly because I don't see them much so they don't remember how old I am or anything. I feel distant from them which is a shame.

But it's also built up this huge jealousy in me, I've always wanted to be where they are in life. In year 8 to 11 I was dead ready for University life, gagging for it to be closer. Then in year 12 we all started to plan going to Uni, but my brother's have a different life now. They have flats, flatmates, friends, careers, hopes, goals, they know where they want to go with their lives. So while we were all busily signing up for University I got to experience life after that occasionally. Seeing them in London was like watching an episode of a T.V series you really obsess over. Not surprising then, is it, that I've moved on from University and now wish I were past all of that.

So now it looks as though I'm turning down my offers and re-considering. I'll take my gap and try and figure out what the hell I want. Do I want to go and study letters and nouns just so I might possibly get an opening into journalism? Not really.

I am clinging onto my gap year for inspiration. Barney had a gap year that ended before he'd planned it to, and Joz went straight to uni. So while I feel like I'm constantly wishing I was where they are, I'm also doing something different and that's a good sign. Maybe after that I'll know what I want to do and I'll go and drink for 3 years and get in debt that I'll have to pay off for the rest of my life. Maybe. Who knows?

Do you know how scary it is to not know where you're going or what you want? I have no passion for anything I've discovered yet, and that's scary. I'm hugely emotional and my emotions are what I take value of more than the other stuff, so if there's a job in that it's mine.

But one thing I'm getting through all of this, is that it may be incredibly terrifying, but it also feels right. I still believe I'll do something extraordinary with my life, and maybe that doesn't come from following the University route. Feels like the first day of the rest of my life.