If I were a grown up, looking back at my young years, what would I think so far? Imagine it. I'm the perfect version of myself, the best version I can be because I'm older. I'm experienced and developed, broken hundreds of habits over the years and learnt to control myself in a way my young self couldn't... maybe it would sound something like this:
I was always devastated as a child that there was nothing wrong with my life. I wanted some big tragedy: a death, some kind of personality disorder. I focussed my energy into hoping something awful would happen, trying to attract some negative attention. Perhaps it's why I made a fool of myself for the entire of my school life, because it made people laugh. Perhaps it explains why 'these things always happen to me' was a frequent phrase of mine. But through the time I spent googling 'personality disorders,' you know, just to check I didn't have any, I was so up and down I couldn't help feeling I was holding myself back somehow.
I'm wise enough and old enough to understand now that I was attention seeking. I resented that about myself, though I secretly knew it all along. Having two daughters of my own, watching them I understand more and more about myself. I wonder if one only ever satisfies the teenage feelings of 'Who Am I?' when one has children to observe. My elder daughter is quiet, she doesn't waste time on her emotions. She controls them and that's always how I wanted to be. She seems okay about living that way, so it's win win really; she gets to be the extremely mysterious and beautiful creature, and who didn't want to be like that growing up? I envy her.
My younger daughter, on the other hand, is me. Don't tell her I said that though. She's highly emotive, irritates herself more than anyone else and spends hours thinking and nit-picking about every tiny detail that has been in reference to herself throughout her day. Call it attention seeking, or just major insecurity. Now, I'd say personally, I was attention seeking. I had my confidence issues but they weren't really the real route of my analysing hobby. Why did she say that, what did she mean? Does she want to be friends with me? Did I give her a bad impression? I probably just like to think about myself. In a strange sort of attention seeking way... I gave myself attention, does that make sense?
As for my decisions, it's all rather boring. I have one or two more interesting stories but the types of fun I had in school would be tying tampons to my friends car windscreen wipers rather than running off to other cities and taking drugs. Nothing interesting in it really, I loved the idea of being rebellious but never could be. So while I don't regret the decisions I did make, (I came to terms with some of my idiotic mistakes while I was still young), the one thing I regret is not making decisions. You always wonder what if? But realistically I'm imagining the kind of what ifs? that would've resulted in If I Could Go Back...
So mistakes were made, sort of. I was hurt, used, like everyone else. That's hardly a life experience in my eyes. I always believed you should get over the twatty minor issues and not make a fuss in anyone's life (hugely hypocritical of me). Hypocritical, but I knew what direction I wanted to take and I think that's a good quality to have. I may have been attention seeking but I wasn't blind, I knew myself and hand on heart I knew what I had to sort out. So my decisions weren't bad.
And if I could go back? I'd perhaps push the boundaries more. I'd love to have a couple of stories like: "So we went to France one night randomly..." or "So I woke up with a seal licking my face..." Things that would thrill my children.
All I can hope is that they have a childhood they don't regret, and one they don't feel they didn't explore enough. As long as they're safe and let me know occasionally that they're still alive, they can do what they like as far as I'm concerned. No point wrapping your children in cotton wool, independence should be learnt from an early age and being protective isn't going to do anyone any favours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c
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